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Monday, August 18, 2014

On Christians and Depression

I waited a little to write this out after Robin  Williams death.  I for one thought he was incredibly funny.  I did not agree with much of his politics but he did make me laugh.  I knew he was an addict, and was struggling most of his life with that.  I did not realize his depression though.
I was at work in the aftermath of his death, talking with co workers about it.  Now I work at a large Non Denominational church, so the people I am talking with are all confirmed Christians. What I heard from a few of the younger people floored me. Now they are full of the spirit of serving and living a life pleasing to Christ, and I love love love seeing that in the younger generation.  But they also have much to learn about life in general, lol.
One young man said, "well if he had the Lord, this wouldn't have happened".
I said what do you mean by that? He told me if he had the Lord, he could have cast all his cares on Him, he (robin williams) could have given his anxiety over to the Lord, and he would not have had a problem.
Wait, what????
In love, I turned and told him that many devout, loving, serving Christians suffer with depression.  They suffer with anxiety. They do cast their cares on the Lord, over and over and over again.  It helps, certainly , to know that God has a plan in all the mess, that He will be there in the end for you, but it does not magically end the anxiety or depression.  This attitude among Christians is what is driving many Christians to feel as if they failed, or are not "good enough" for God to get rid of the depresssion and anxiety.  On top of the problems they are having, they now feel like "failed Christians" because the Lord wasnt enough to stop the problem, so it must be that I do not believe enough, or havent prayed enough, or any of a thousand reasons the Lord is not taking this away.
Sometimes, in times of real anxiety and/or depression, people will self medicate.  They do this to try to stop the pain and anxiety. Now you add to the feeling of failure, you failed at being a christian because you did not cast your worries on Him, and NOW you are doing something you know is not what the Lord wants, but you justify it because it does help temporarily to ease the pain.
But then it comes back.
This happened to me.  I tried just treating the symptoms for years.  I told myself that the Lord would take this away from me in His time.  Until then I must just suffer through.  My family paid, my marriage paid, my job paid.
Then one day the world around me collapsed. I thank God for my doctor, I fell apart in his office while I was taking my mother in law to him for a check up.  He asked if I was ok, and BAM the flood gates opened and I just bawled and broke down, and I mean broken.
He hugged me and said please let me help you.  I had spoken to him before about the anxiety, I only wanted a medicine to take at the time of the anxiety, but I systematically refused to take and anti depressent for some strange reason. But on that day, I would do anything to get help.  I hadn't slept in months, I lost weight.  It was aweful.  So I agreed to the antidepressant.  After 4 days I felt my mind clear, after two weeks I could eat.  He brought me in and asked how I was doing, and I told him how amazing I felt, but that I still was not sleeping.  He said I want to up your dose, and I freaked out a bit.  He said I want you to sleep at night, try this for two weeks, if you do not feel better yet, and get sleep we will back it down.
Lo and Behold, after three days of the higher dose I was sleeping, all night long!
And guess what, God still loved me, and I loved Him , no changes in that.
I was not a failed Christian, but a stubborn one.  He had been sending me help every time I went to the Dr., but I did not see it as that.  I saw it as being weak.  Until I was so overcome with weakness that I accepted the help that I now see was sent by God so long ago, but I did not recognize.
So please, if you are a Christian and need help, ask for it.  You are NOT a failed Christian for asking for help, it does not mean that you are not good enough, or that you are paying for something.
On the flip side, if you are a Christian, and see a brother or sister suffering, pray for them yes, but do not think for a moment that they have done something wrong.  Help them, hug them and say, Can I help you?
Sister, Brother, you are not alone, reach out for the help that is out there.  The first step is the hardest. After that, its all down hill.
I think that Robin Williams felt like he had failed. Like he wasn't good enough to stop feeling these feelings, that he deserved it. He didn't, nobody does.
Peace and Blessings,
LTW

Wednesday, August 6, 2014

very sad situation

I have some things going on with extended family that are making me very sad, and very frustrated.  A member of our family is being hurt by actions that were not hers, but her mothers actions. Her mother is so stubborn, and I am sorry but MEAN, that instead of doing what needed done to make sure her daughters wedding was beautiful, with all her family there, she continued to say  mean and terrible things about me.  When Handsome was shown what she said about me, he tried calling her, she would not answer. So he was very angry and said you cannot talk to LTW like that, and if you insist on this, we will NOT be coming to the wedding.
We never heard another word from wicked witch of the east after that he left that message.  So we assumed that she would tell her daughter, that we were not coming.  We did not expect her to tell the truth, but at least mention to daughter we cannot come.  There are long standing issues here, and her daughter chose to ignore these issues and pretend all is well.  The wedding is this weekend. I got a message from the bride saying "you are still coming right?"  Now, the thing is, that I am the bad guy to her mother, she is angry with me.The reasons are selfish and if she said the reasons out loud, she may realize that she sounds crazy, but she makes her own reality and always has.....
I told her to call her mother.  She then got back to me, and of course her mother made a different reality, and her daughter is mad with us because we are choosing not to come.  I had to tell her what happened, and why.  She told me, I am staying out of this situation with you and mom.  I told her that because of the foul and awful things she said, uncle Handsome wants an apology from Wicked Witch mom.
She blames us.
Again, I am the bitch, the bad guy. I am the selfish one.
You know, I have only let the wicked witches mother live with me and care for her for THIRTEEN YEARS. So yeah, I deserve the anger on her part.........not.
But ultimately I am sad that we cannot be there, I was excited and happy to go.  The bride was excited to have her whole family around her.
And now we are the ones feeling bad again..
Peace and Blessings.