Anxiety.....and being Christian

Like everyone I have been incredibly busy with Christmas and the New Year.  I have had little time to sit and think, and less time to put those thoughts on paper.
I deal with anxiety.  I have always dealt with it.  For many years I did not have a name for it, but I felt like I was constantly going to burst at the seams.  Anxiety takes many forms, in some it can be a rapid heart beat, in others they loose their breath.  Some people are anxious about unknown things, some people are anxious because of the state of the world around them.  Many people with anxiety deal with depression as well.  I have anxiety, and I have dealt with depression as well.
I have taken medication for many years, and it has helped tremendously. BUT.... I still have anxiety.

This is what my anxiety looks like, and feels like on a daily basis.  I cannot stop.  I cannot relax.  If I find myself sitting on the couch, it creates anxiety in me. I MUST BE DOING SOMETHING, every minute of every day, until I collapse in bed.  IF I sit, I feel an extreme form of restlessness, which then progresses to a feeling I like to call "superman in the phone booth".  Do you remember superman?  He used to go into a phone booth, rip open his shirt at the chest and out would pop his superman outfit?  Well take that picture and make it rip open your chest and just let the anxiety POP out.  It is so hard to explain to so many people.  But in looking back on my life, I have struggled with this since I was a child.  I remember rocking back and forth in my bed, on my knees with my head on the pillow just wanting to get rid of the feeling.  Honestly I cannot even say what triggers it for me.  There are normal times when you should have anxiety, for me high places, or bridges.  I understand that anxiety.  What I do not understand is the anxiety for no reason.  So I struggle with this.  I take a daily medicine, and xanax one time a day, but still have break thru anxiety.  So I proceed to beat myself up.  Why?

I am a Christian.  The bible tells us to "cast all our cares on Him, and He will care for us".  I promise, I cast my cares on Him, but still I have anxiety.  What does that mean?  Does it mean I am not letting go of my anxiety?  Does it mean I do not trust God to take it away? Does He want me to suffer with it?  If so, to what end?
I have struggled for years with this question.  I think though that in this new year, I am not going to struggle with that question anymore.  For whatever reason, this is my lot in life.  God knows it, and He allows it, and I will learn the reason one day when I reside in Heaven.  But until then I have to STOP beating myself up, I have to STOP thinking I am a failed Christian.  I am not.  I do cast my cares on Him, somedays are easier than others. I pray to con core this one day at a time, with the Love of God shining on me.

I am a Christian, I love the Lord, and I have anxiety.

Peace and Blessings
LTW

The Five Love Languages

Early in my writing I spoke of the book "The Five Love Languages".  This book opened new doors of understanding for me in how to love and how I need  to be shown love.  This book and the web site opened the window on why I am constantly hugging Handsome.  Or why I always am the one to kiss him.  Physical touch is a main love language for me.  If I do not get that physical touch, I do not feel loved.  I have told Handsome this, but I still am the one who always reaches out first for affection.
I have tried to not be the first one to reach out, but after a few days with no physical affection, I cannot go without, and I reach out for it.
I will talk with Handsome about it, and he will be ok for a few days, but then reverts back to me doing the touching just so I get my love fix.  It hurts me, truthfully, but I am not sure at this stage of the game that Handsome will ever change his ways.
But this book did help me.  It helped me recognize so many things about how and why I love, and how and why Handsome does what he does.

This is the web site  http://www.5lovelanguages.com/

check it out, I firmly believe this book should be required reading for all people who are engaged.  I believe had I had this information back when we were younger, it would have changed so very much about our lives.

The other book I recomend to all husbands and wives is
http://smile.amazon.com/How-We-Love-Discover-Marriage/dp/1400072999/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1417020371&sr=8-1&keywords=how+we+love&pebp=1417020374374

I am reading it now, and it is eye opening.  Truly explaining so many things about the differences in Handsome and I and why we love the way we do.  Very very good book.

I know when I started this blog, I spoke of my husbands emotional affair and the tole it took on me.  I still struggle, not every day, but I still have moments of wondering whether we made the right choice,  my self esteem will probably never be the same.  But, I know that Handsome does love me, and I know that I love him, and I know we both love God, and we want to honor that love and commitment.  It will be thirty years this year, and frankly, neither of us can picture life without the other.
Marriage is hard.  There are so many steps, there are so many hills and valleys.  We grow and change, life changes, children change, everything changes.
If you hold on to the reason you love, you can weather those changes, you can ride the waves instead of being overcome by them.
God promises us that in this life there WILL be trouble, He never said it will be easy.  He did say that if we honor and trust Him, He will make our path straight.  He will not leave or forsake me.

If you are married read the Five Love Languages, even if you are so deliriously happy you could never see any issues.  It is eye opening. It is a short read that will open so many eyes.

I wish all of you a very Blessed Thanksgiving.
Peace and Blessings
LTW

Extended Family, and the new family unit.

So in our house, we care for my mother in law, who moved in with us thirteen years ago.  My youngest child also lives at home, he/she is in their early twenties.  Now I will say, I never ever thought that MIL would be here this long.  NEVER.  But regardless, she is still here.  It has seriously had repercussions in my marriage , and it took a very long time to get used to, but she is not really a problem and in my family, family takes care of family if at all possible.  Handsome has other family members, but trust me, they have nothing to do with the care of their mother.  She is lucky that they call her twice a year, it is sinful, and I finally this year called out the worst offender.  They do not talk with us anymore as a result. My post today does not really have to do with my mother in law, but with my child that is living at home.
I read an article today speaking about how kids are living at home longer.  I posted it on facebook, and really did not expect to see any comments on it.  Wow was I wrong.  It elicited a very lively conversation between people who are friends.  The article came from the positive aspects of having a child at home, but my friends, some who have kids, some who do not commented how awful and lazy she was.  How she was not learning about life.  She had a boyfriend, but they did not live together, and she was staying home until the timing was right or marriage.  This started me thinking, how many people think we are wrong for letting our child live at home still?  How many would just boot their child out the door at 18 or if they did not go to college?  My parents did that to me.  I love and adore my parents, but what they did, did not help me.  It gave me a very rough start in life.  I had to move in with my now husband.  We struggled for years.  Juxtapose that against my oldest child, who we let live at home til they  were  prepared. they  stayed at home, later got engaged, and then got an apartment.  they  married, they bought a house, and two years later had kids.
It was a blessing to child number one, and a blessing I have no problem with child number two.  They do learn responsibility!  They do learn about caring for others~, no person can live in our house with out being productive and working and sharing the load.
We enjoy our time with our child.  This child is a huge help in caring for our mother in law.  If this child did not take that responsibility seriously, handsome and I could never get away for a break or a trip.
It makes me wonder if our country may be going back to a time not long ago when the extended family was not a curse but a blessing.
I am curious what you think, maybe I am completely off base here, but I do enjoy having my family close to me!
Blessings!
LTW

The death of Brittany Maynard

I am so saddened and horrified by the death of Brittany Maynard.  I truly believe that she was exploited by the right to die people.  My feelings on this are personal, I watched with my husband , our best friend of over thirty years die of the same thing that Brittany had.
But because of watching how our dear friend died, I know for a fact that someone gave that poor girl false information.  Someone, I believe the right to die people, filled her head with scenes of her end that were untrue, that were lies to further their agenda.
I will give you a brief rundown of the death of our best friend.
S was in the prime of his life, 2 young teens, one older son graduating collage.  He and his wife were jogging one day, when S got winded, and started talking to his wife in gibberish.  She immediately took S to the hospital and within a day they were given a death sentence for S.  He had the worst type of glioblastoma possible, with no hope of cure, and they gave him very little time.  Six months.  They gave him a death sentence, but they DID NOT tell him he was going to die a horrible death.  They gave him treatment options that may give him more time, and he wanted that time, he wanted to make memories with his children, he wanted to get everything in order for his wife, so that when the time came he could die in peace knowing he did all he could to ease his families suffering when he was gone.  They took time, they made memories, wonderful memories.  He watched his daughter go to her first formal dance, and preform on the stage in our city, a big stage, with a Broadway troupe.  He watched his son as he became better and better at the sport he loved, hockey.  S's son was going to make his dad proud, and he went out and played the best hockey of his young life, so good in fact, that the pro's started scouting him with in a month of his fathers passing.  At 15.  A freshman in high school.  His wife and he had a romantic getaway.  Was S in pain?  Some, but the truth of the matter is that brain cancer is NOT that painful.  The brain does not feel pain the way the rest of the body does.  Yes, S was heavily medicated against seizures, and yes, he lost his words.  But he was living every minute God gave him.
When I heard Brittany Maynard say that she was told she was going to die with terrible awful pain, by a Dr. I KNEW no Doctor told her that.  Not one Doctor would tell a patient that they were going to die a horrible death, because first brain cancer is not as  painful as other cancers, and second, hospice exists so that you do not have pain at the end. I digress, let me finish S's story.

At one year, we celebrated with champagne and blueberry pie the fact that the Dr's were wrong, and S not only was alive, but he was enjoying his time with his family.
S did start to fail at sixteen months.  He was still up with his family, still met his children at the door after school, but at that point he needed someone to be with him, to make sure he did not have a seizure or fall.  We all volunteered, and I was there on Wed, my day to hang out with S and help out.  When I got there, I knew.  S was in the process, in the final process of dying.  I called his wife, told her that it was time to call hospice. She knew, but was having such a hard time accepting the fact that the time was coming to an end, that she could not face it.  But S did not want to die at home, because of his children.  So the decision was made that he would enter hospice that evening when a room became ready.  S walked to the car with us all around him.  S walked into hospice. In the three days that followed he said a final goodbye to his children, told them he loved them, hugged them, loved them.
S slowly lost consciousness, did he have pain?  Not much, they gave him morphine.  Did he have anxiety?  Surprisingly no, he had accepted what would happen.  They gave him Valium to help keep him relaxed. On the third day, his wife was in his bed and told him she would be ok.  That he had done such a good job of preparing them, that they would be ok.  She told him he was the love of her life, that he had made life worth living.  Then she told him it was ok to go.
S died five minutes after that.
I believe that Brittany Maynard was exploited by the right to die people.  Not one Doctor would have told her what she said, that she would be in agony.  But the right to die people would have told her that.  It would scare a young woman who had not lived enough years to gain the wisdom to make this decision.  I was haunted in her interviews that she was focusing on the fact that medicine had made her gain weight, she was "horrified" by the way she looked!  That broke my heart.  Those words spoke of a young woman who was not making a decision based on wisdom, but on fear.
Fear of looking bad, fear of loosing control.
I do not believe she was a Christian, she never said a word about Gods comfort.  My heart aches for her.  I have witnessed the death she may have had, and she could have had so much more time to spend with her family, preparing them, giving them memories that they could hang on to.
This death opens a door that we as a society should not be opening.
My heart hurts for the days that Brittany threw away.
Peace and Blessings
LTW

Is this "thru the Church?"

When we do something for another human being, why are we asked "is it thru the Church"?  Meaning, did the church arrange for this, or did you get the churches help?  What happened to us being the church?  What happened to being the feet of Jesus?  As we grow in our faith, are we not supposed to live out the blessings we have been given by blessing others in the same way God does us?
It was described to me as a river. The blessings you receive should come to you, then flow forth thru you to others "downstream" for lack of a better word.  I have been blessed.  Not as much as other people maybe, but surly better than some.  No matter how much or little we have, someone will always have more, but more importantly to this illustration , there are ALWAYS those who have less.  As we grow in Christ, I think we become more aware of those who have less.  I think if we are growing in Christ, this is a natural progression.  I think that if we look at the world thru the "eyes of Christ" we see so many needs, so many hurting people.  Are we not tasked with loving others better than we love ourselves?  This is all what I have been taught in my journey called Christianity.
Why then do good Christian folk, people whom I admire, and who I KNOW  love the Lord, ask me, "is this (fill in the blank with a kindness, or a need for someone) thru the church?  Meaning did the church find this need for you?  Did the organize the help for the need?  Does the Pastor's know about this?  Is this a Mission thru the church?
NO.
NO.
No. Kinda....
this mission is thru the church.  I AM  the church.  If you are a believer, YOU are the church.  We form the church.  The Pastor, or the building, they are not the church.
Folks, I firmly believe we are entering a very difficult future.  I see things getting so much worse for so many people.  If we are left here to spread the good news, then it is up to us to BE the church.  LOOK for the needs of others.  Find a place that God wants you to work, and work there.  If God says to you  "these folks have a need" then fill it if you can. You know when God lays something on your heart, just listen to Him, He will provide the means for it to be carried out.

Do I help people "thru the church"  Yes.  I do.
But we are to reach out to those around us, those who have a need that we can fulfill.  That makes us the church, right?
Blessings and Peace
LTW

Got to meet some wonderful folks!

I got to meet a longtime author of a blog that I read, and her family this past weekend.  Can I say, Phelan and her family are wonderful people!  They live in a beautiful holler, that she has very accurately described, gorgeous, yet challenging , quiet and restful for the soul.  Handsome and I were glad to meet her lovely family, her quiet hard working husband, and three ( can't say cute) teen boys.
They seem like great kids, and all seem very loving towards each other.  They are a team, you can see it in them all.  Phelan and her husband were so welcoming to handsome and I, and really who are we?  We were strangers, and trusting a stranger you meet on the internet, come on really?  But she welcomed us with open arms.
The land they have chosen is so beautiful, and I can see how it spoke to her soul, and that of her husband.  There are endless possibilities on that land.  That is part of the problem, is that they are endless.  I could feel the weight of it on her and her husband. But things are looking up for them.  They are actively getting power to the house this week, and that alone will help so very much.  They will have insulation in their walls this winter, and their ceiling is up.
But there is a ton of work ahead of them.
Kymber of " Frambois Manor" helped to set up a "go fund me" account to help them get power, and they reached that goal with the help of wonderful people.  There is more to be done though.  So I am posting ( I hope lol) a link to the account.
If every person felt the need to help one person, this world would be a much better place.
Give thanks for every single thing you have.  Whether it is little or plenty.  Give thanks.
My mother said her mother told her that life is hard, and this past week, she said "LTW, grandma was right, life is hard.
It is hard.  But we can make it just a tiny bit easier with a little bit of effort on our part.
Blessings and Peace to you
LTW

http://www.gofundme.com/e8g26c

getting to meet a blogger I admire, going to a homesteading neophytes homestead Sat!

So excited. In a one week time span, with me not  even home, I have managed to line up clothes, blankets,shoes ,and wood to help finish walls.  What I love is seeing God provide it.  I planned this as I was flying out to visit my family. I had no idea where I would come up with money or goods to bring.  But thru the week, many friends have donated clothing, blankets, shoes, medicine.  All things I wanted to bring, but wasn't sure I could afford. I prayed that God would honor his purpose for prodding me to go.  I should know after fifty years if God says go, He WILL open the doors if I get out of His way.
And he did.
I am so excited to meet my friend Phelan and her gang. Get to hang out, do some work, have a camp fire, and just talk.
I'm so excited.
And Kymber and Jam, thank you....
I will take plenty of pix to share if she wants.
Have a blessed and peace filled day.
Much love LTW