Well today has nothing to do with handsome and I other than to say things have been pretty darn good!! We have been enjoying each others company, talking, reminiscing. It has been very nice. No feelings of insecurity have reared their ugly head in the past week or so. We had a lovely time at camp, even though it rained every night. It rains every time we camp, so I was not surprised lol.
I figured today if I can figure it out I may put in some pictures of my garden. or at least some produce. I have had a great garden year so far, at least until it turned 70 degrees for a HIGH temp here, which is NOT summer weather. I worry now that all my tomatoes will not ripe without some warm nights. My peppers which were eaten by aphids at first are finally coming back, but they do not like the cool weather and will probably quit producing. Now the beans, they are going CRAZY! And I am still picking beans.
The county farm show is going on next week, and I am going to enter a bunch of stuff. I used to enter so we got a free ticket to get in, but I have some nice produce and flowers, so I decided to enter anything I can, hey top prize in each category is $4!!!!!!!
I always have fun at the farm show, no I do not ride the scary rides, or even not scary rides, but I love looking at all the great produce and quilts and animals. It is right up the street from me, which is even nicer! So all and all, this has been a nice week or so. I hope that you are having a good week too. Whether it is in your garden or in your marriage.
I pray for any here who are struggling in their marriage, that they can do the hard work that will help to restore it.
Peace and Blessings.
LTW
Tuesday, July 29, 2014
Thursday, July 24, 2014
When you feel better about yourself, you feel better all the way around
Handsome and I have been having a great week. We are going away for our 20th annual "Christmas in July" camping trip! We now are going with our grand babies. This is a group of people who we have gone with for 20 years, faithfully, watching our kids grow up. What makes us both feel great is the fact that are grown kids choose to go every year with their parents. Quite frankly, Handsome and I both know we would not have hung out with our parents in our late teens and early twenties, but our kids do. We treasure that. And the excitement for me is crazy because my twins are going to see it for the first time in their little lives. Although I told my kids, don't be surprised if they don't sleep like they do at home, and if they melt down its ok. There will be plenty of "grands" and "aunts and uncles" there to help with the chores. Then on Saturday night a big "Snow Ball" dance, with all the campers. It is cheesy great fun.
And that is what has been happening, we are having fun again together. Real smile and enjoy ourselves fun. No second guessing , no wondering if he wants to be where he is, because it is readily apparant he does.
We are planning a trip on Route 66, the whole thing. We have this amazing future we are again looking forward too.
Today.
My prayer is today that this continues, that my demons are behind me. But for today, life is GOOD>
And that is what has been happening, we are having fun again together. Real smile and enjoy ourselves fun. No second guessing , no wondering if he wants to be where he is, because it is readily apparant he does.
We are planning a trip on Route 66, the whole thing. We have this amazing future we are again looking forward too.
Today.
My prayer is today that this continues, that my demons are behind me. But for today, life is GOOD>
Tuesday, July 15, 2014
sorry for the break
I have been insanely busy of late. My MIL came home from rehab, our basement flooded and life is just crazy right now.
My last post, I was so excited~ We had such a wonderful time together. We saw beautiful sights, rode on crazy mountain roads, and bonded. We stayed in an old cheap motel, and reminisced about how we used to pick up and take trips, sometimes with no destination in mind, just go and see what is out there. We have always shared a wanderlust between us. We one time when our First Born was three, we decided on a whim to go to Assategue Island and camp for a week. No reservations, no knowledge of where we would go if it that did not work. We went in blind, but it worked out, and we had one of the most memorable trips we have ever had. We made such great memories, that we still to this day share.
So this quick y trip was something we love to do. It also did wonders for my head. By that I mean, I was pretty tortured about being home and "celebrating" my birthday. We had kids over for the 4th, no cake, just a picnic. We all went to watch the fireworks, it was great fun. I adore the times my whole family are together, as does Handsome. I can see him looking around and smiling. We talk when they leave about how we made great kids. We had great family fun.
When Handsome suggested going somewhere I jumped on it, said lets go~! And also can we stay the night, go on an adventure? Handsome was very happy to accomodate. People, he was wonderful, thoughtful, kind and generous. I felt LOVED people~! I felt valued, I felt that consideration was taken for me.
It was just what I needed in other words, and Handsome KNEW it. ( how could he help it though after my crazy outburst)
When you decide to reconcile your marriage after an affair, one of the things I have found is I have a overwhelming desire to create new AMAZING memories. Because for a long long time, you have "before the affair memories" and "after Dday" memories. This weekend goes into my vault of new wonderful memories.
I write in this blog to offload some of the feelings I have to deal with. I worry that Handsome sounds like this ogre of a man, that all of you wonder how I live with. He isn't , he is incredibly thoughtful, an amazing father, one of the hardest working men I know. He has worked so hard to provide for his family, he supported me in every decision about staying home to raise our kids after working with the first baby. He loves me. I know you may be shaking your head, but he does.
MY struggle is wanting to be loved in the way I want. I became so very needy after the affair, I am trying to dig my way out of that. I want to be secure, safe, and loved. Today, this week, I feel that way. Today I am excited about our future, today I am making plans for our future, and so is he!
We are planning a bucket list trip, to ride/drive all of route 66 from Chicago to the Santa Monica Peir. This to me is so exciting~! This is the future, and Handsome is EAGERLY planning for US to go on the trip of our life. His eyes light up, and I get excited, looking up websites and places to stay and eat. We put our heads together and dream of an exciting time we will share in our future. We both feel BLESSED. Both of us.
If I can give one piece of advice if you try reconciliation. Look around at your life, and see what things made you both happy. Do those things. Not the way you used to do them, but make new memories. These new memories will slowly replace ones that may be sad. Not completely but they sure do help me.
I pray that if there is anyone here that is going thru the trials of recovery from an affair can come here and see they are not alone. That they are not crazy for these thoughts of insecurity. That normal will have a new definition, and that it is ok. I root for your marriages, I truly believe if there is a way to save your marriage you should try to save it. Marriage has become way to disposable these days.
So if you are in the thick of it, know that I pray for you. I pray whenever I write my crazy words that if one person comes here I hope that I can be of help. I pray for your marriage, I pray for you.
Peace and Blessings
LTW
My last post, I was so excited~ We had such a wonderful time together. We saw beautiful sights, rode on crazy mountain roads, and bonded. We stayed in an old cheap motel, and reminisced about how we used to pick up and take trips, sometimes with no destination in mind, just go and see what is out there. We have always shared a wanderlust between us. We one time when our First Born was three, we decided on a whim to go to Assategue Island and camp for a week. No reservations, no knowledge of where we would go if it that did not work. We went in blind, but it worked out, and we had one of the most memorable trips we have ever had. We made such great memories, that we still to this day share.
So this quick y trip was something we love to do. It also did wonders for my head. By that I mean, I was pretty tortured about being home and "celebrating" my birthday. We had kids over for the 4th, no cake, just a picnic. We all went to watch the fireworks, it was great fun. I adore the times my whole family are together, as does Handsome. I can see him looking around and smiling. We talk when they leave about how we made great kids. We had great family fun.
When Handsome suggested going somewhere I jumped on it, said lets go~! And also can we stay the night, go on an adventure? Handsome was very happy to accomodate. People, he was wonderful, thoughtful, kind and generous. I felt LOVED people~! I felt valued, I felt that consideration was taken for me.
It was just what I needed in other words, and Handsome KNEW it. ( how could he help it though after my crazy outburst)
When you decide to reconcile your marriage after an affair, one of the things I have found is I have a overwhelming desire to create new AMAZING memories. Because for a long long time, you have "before the affair memories" and "after Dday" memories. This weekend goes into my vault of new wonderful memories.
I write in this blog to offload some of the feelings I have to deal with. I worry that Handsome sounds like this ogre of a man, that all of you wonder how I live with. He isn't , he is incredibly thoughtful, an amazing father, one of the hardest working men I know. He has worked so hard to provide for his family, he supported me in every decision about staying home to raise our kids after working with the first baby. He loves me. I know you may be shaking your head, but he does.
MY struggle is wanting to be loved in the way I want. I became so very needy after the affair, I am trying to dig my way out of that. I want to be secure, safe, and loved. Today, this week, I feel that way. Today I am excited about our future, today I am making plans for our future, and so is he!
We are planning a bucket list trip, to ride/drive all of route 66 from Chicago to the Santa Monica Peir. This to me is so exciting~! This is the future, and Handsome is EAGERLY planning for US to go on the trip of our life. His eyes light up, and I get excited, looking up websites and places to stay and eat. We put our heads together and dream of an exciting time we will share in our future. We both feel BLESSED. Both of us.
If I can give one piece of advice if you try reconciliation. Look around at your life, and see what things made you both happy. Do those things. Not the way you used to do them, but make new memories. These new memories will slowly replace ones that may be sad. Not completely but they sure do help me.
I pray that if there is anyone here that is going thru the trials of recovery from an affair can come here and see they are not alone. That they are not crazy for these thoughts of insecurity. That normal will have a new definition, and that it is ok. I root for your marriages, I truly believe if there is a way to save your marriage you should try to save it. Marriage has become way to disposable these days.
So if you are in the thick of it, know that I pray for you. I pray whenever I write my crazy words that if one person comes here I hope that I can be of help. I pray for your marriage, I pray for you.
Peace and Blessings
LTW
Sunday, July 6, 2014
what a wonderful weekend.
Handsome did it. He gave me a beautiful weekend. We went on adventure when he got off work Sat, and we took the bike and went somewhere beautiful. We spent the night in a hotel, and then hiked and rode the bike on lovely roads.
He gets it. He got it.
He made me forget.
We made new memories, to hopefully erase the other one. I'm smiling.
Peace and blessings
He gets it. He got it.
He made me forget.
We made new memories, to hopefully erase the other one. I'm smiling.
Peace and blessings
Tuesday, July 1, 2014
the voices in my head
I think that most people would say that in an affair, be it emotional, or physical, that the most harm comes from the thought of our spouse with another person. That must be the hardest part most people think. Maybe for some it is the hardest part, but not for me.
Oh sure, I definitely had a very hard time with her. I compared myself to her, looks, personality all of it. But I found it much easier to let her go.
What I cannot get rid of so easily is the voices in my head. No, I am not crazy yet, lol. By the voices in my head, I mean the words that were spoken between Handsome and I when Dday first happened. Many marriage infidelity sites will tell you that the wayward person will make up their own version of the past, to justify in their mind that what they are doing is ok, because the person they are married to is just the worst person ever. They say hurtful things, to try to make themselves feel better. Those are the voices I hear. Those are the voices that I just have such a hard time getting rid of. These are the voices that I want to replace with words of affirmation, words of love.
Handsome doesnt quite get how I cannot put those words behind me. He promises he did not mean them, but I still hear them.
I think this week is bad too, because my birthday is upon us. And I would give any amount of money to be anywhere but here, but that is not to be. So I will continue to slay my dragon voices. I will cling to the man I love, and pray that he works hard to help me over come these voices.
I pray to God to put a different voice in my head, His voice.
It will get better, it has gotten better. I have faith.
I just wish my birthday would go away.
Peace and Blessings
Oh sure, I definitely had a very hard time with her. I compared myself to her, looks, personality all of it. But I found it much easier to let her go.
What I cannot get rid of so easily is the voices in my head. No, I am not crazy yet, lol. By the voices in my head, I mean the words that were spoken between Handsome and I when Dday first happened. Many marriage infidelity sites will tell you that the wayward person will make up their own version of the past, to justify in their mind that what they are doing is ok, because the person they are married to is just the worst person ever. They say hurtful things, to try to make themselves feel better. Those are the voices I hear. Those are the voices that I just have such a hard time getting rid of. These are the voices that I want to replace with words of affirmation, words of love.
Handsome doesnt quite get how I cannot put those words behind me. He promises he did not mean them, but I still hear them.
I think this week is bad too, because my birthday is upon us. And I would give any amount of money to be anywhere but here, but that is not to be. So I will continue to slay my dragon voices. I will cling to the man I love, and pray that he works hard to help me over come these voices.
I pray to God to put a different voice in my head, His voice.
It will get better, it has gotten better. I have faith.
I just wish my birthday would go away.
Peace and Blessings
Wednesday, June 25, 2014
Oh dear, what a week
Where do I begin???
Well I have spoke of my in laws, my sister and brother in law, my mother in law who lives with me. Well the wicked witch of the east (yes she is a REAL witch) has done some real damage to our family. She said awful things about me, that are #1 untrue and #2 show her to be the ungrateful woman she is. I have taken care of her mother for 13 years. She rarely comes for a visit, and the last time she did, it was after 4 years of not visiting, and we had to make her feel guilty to come see her mother when she was hospitalized 3 times in a month. Her mother is going down hill fast. I do not really expect her to live a whole lot longer. The kicker is, she is only 5 1/2 hours away. I live 15 hours away from my mother, and visit 2x every single year. I talk to my mother a couple times a week. She wont even call.
Well she stirred up the whole family, wrote a note calling me vile names, and Handsome read it. Well, Handsome really stood up for me, and has been really really wonderful thru this! At this point in time, I do not know if we will ever speak to them again.
And his mother is in the hospital again, going to a rehab home. Over night she lost the ability to walk. We have stairs in our older 1940's house. If she cannot do stairs she will have to go to the nursing home, and we were trying hard to avoid that....:(
Then on top of all this, we had a flood in our basement. We have lived here for 20 years, and never a drop of water in the basement, ever. So when Handsome's mother came, we built a bedroom in the basement for our son, who gave up his room for his gma. So yup, all of it is gone. Thankfully we could save electronic things, but lost so much. We spent the past thirty six hours or so trying to pitch everything, rip up carpet, and just try to make it habitable again. It is so damp where I am at, that nothing wants to dry. This coupled with the grief we are getting from his family is leading to some heavy weight landing on my shoulders.
Young son said, look on the bright side mom, we have been wanting to clean out the basement. lol his is correct, but I did not want to clean everything we had out of it, and into the trash! Oh, and I forgot the kicker is our homeowners insurance will not cover it. None of it. Because we all have extra money laying around. Right.
I am trying not to focus on the wicked witch of the east, but she said some very hard and hurtful things. I am trying to focus on what blessings are right in front of me, and I have many.
Handsome and I have been drawn together tightly in this battle with his family, and our storm. So if there is any pay off, that is it.
Off to clean some more wet things...
Peace and Blessings
Well I have spoke of my in laws, my sister and brother in law, my mother in law who lives with me. Well the wicked witch of the east (yes she is a REAL witch) has done some real damage to our family. She said awful things about me, that are #1 untrue and #2 show her to be the ungrateful woman she is. I have taken care of her mother for 13 years. She rarely comes for a visit, and the last time she did, it was after 4 years of not visiting, and we had to make her feel guilty to come see her mother when she was hospitalized 3 times in a month. Her mother is going down hill fast. I do not really expect her to live a whole lot longer. The kicker is, she is only 5 1/2 hours away. I live 15 hours away from my mother, and visit 2x every single year. I talk to my mother a couple times a week. She wont even call.
Well she stirred up the whole family, wrote a note calling me vile names, and Handsome read it. Well, Handsome really stood up for me, and has been really really wonderful thru this! At this point in time, I do not know if we will ever speak to them again.
And his mother is in the hospital again, going to a rehab home. Over night she lost the ability to walk. We have stairs in our older 1940's house. If she cannot do stairs she will have to go to the nursing home, and we were trying hard to avoid that....:(
Then on top of all this, we had a flood in our basement. We have lived here for 20 years, and never a drop of water in the basement, ever. So when Handsome's mother came, we built a bedroom in the basement for our son, who gave up his room for his gma. So yup, all of it is gone. Thankfully we could save electronic things, but lost so much. We spent the past thirty six hours or so trying to pitch everything, rip up carpet, and just try to make it habitable again. It is so damp where I am at, that nothing wants to dry. This coupled with the grief we are getting from his family is leading to some heavy weight landing on my shoulders.
Young son said, look on the bright side mom, we have been wanting to clean out the basement. lol his is correct, but I did not want to clean everything we had out of it, and into the trash! Oh, and I forgot the kicker is our homeowners insurance will not cover it. None of it. Because we all have extra money laying around. Right.
I am trying not to focus on the wicked witch of the east, but she said some very hard and hurtful things. I am trying to focus on what blessings are right in front of me, and I have many.
Handsome and I have been drawn together tightly in this battle with his family, and our storm. So if there is any pay off, that is it.
Off to clean some more wet things...
Peace and Blessings
Tuesday, June 17, 2014
This will be a first
Well, this is going to be a first since the affair.
I will have to be home for my birthday.
I want to cry, but I will put on my big girl pants and suck it up. I will just ignore that day, if my kids will let me. Some of you may know why I do not want to be around for my birthday, if you read my past posts. Some of you may not know about it, so I will give a brief reason why.
My life as I knew it ended on my birthday 4 years ago. Handsome took me for a short ride, not where I wanted to go, then took me home. He proceeded to leave for an afternoon ride, while I stayed home and got my birthday supper ready. That is NOT the way it works in my family. You get your favorite meal, and you DO NOT cook it yourself. But I did. Then I asked my MIL to heat something up in the house, while I was outside cooking burgers. She let it burn. Handsome was not home in time, and the kids were there waiting with me. I flipped when half the supper was burned, I cried, and I ran up stairs. I KNEW something was wrong, but I had no clue whatsoever. NONE.
It would come out in drips and drabs throughout the next two weeks, the truth, the way he was feeling. But it all went back to my birthday, that was D day for me. That was the day everything changed, even if I did not know it.
So in an effort to not HATE my birthday, I have Handsome take me away every year somewhere on the bike, for a couple days. ( It helps that my birthday is around a major holiday that makes taking off work easier)
Enough time that I forget what day is what, and boom, my birthday has gone by! I did not have to think about it, or remember it or anything. That is what makes my birthday tolerable to me. I have not had to have the kids sing happy birthday, or the cake, or the "special meal" that I truly do not think will ever be special to me again.
But this year, Handsome cannot take off. He works on my bday. We cannot leave and run away. I will have to deal with people wishing me a happy birthday, eat cake, sing songs, be happy.
And right now, all I can think to do is figure out a way that I do not have to be here for that day. But I will have to, and that means I have to deal with the anxiety that always comes around with my birthday.
I hope that one day again, I can have a happy birthday, without anxieties, without bad memories.
Ug.
Peace and Blessings
I will have to be home for my birthday.
I want to cry, but I will put on my big girl pants and suck it up. I will just ignore that day, if my kids will let me. Some of you may know why I do not want to be around for my birthday, if you read my past posts. Some of you may not know about it, so I will give a brief reason why.
My life as I knew it ended on my birthday 4 years ago. Handsome took me for a short ride, not where I wanted to go, then took me home. He proceeded to leave for an afternoon ride, while I stayed home and got my birthday supper ready. That is NOT the way it works in my family. You get your favorite meal, and you DO NOT cook it yourself. But I did. Then I asked my MIL to heat something up in the house, while I was outside cooking burgers. She let it burn. Handsome was not home in time, and the kids were there waiting with me. I flipped when half the supper was burned, I cried, and I ran up stairs. I KNEW something was wrong, but I had no clue whatsoever. NONE.
It would come out in drips and drabs throughout the next two weeks, the truth, the way he was feeling. But it all went back to my birthday, that was D day for me. That was the day everything changed, even if I did not know it.
So in an effort to not HATE my birthday, I have Handsome take me away every year somewhere on the bike, for a couple days. ( It helps that my birthday is around a major holiday that makes taking off work easier)
Enough time that I forget what day is what, and boom, my birthday has gone by! I did not have to think about it, or remember it or anything. That is what makes my birthday tolerable to me. I have not had to have the kids sing happy birthday, or the cake, or the "special meal" that I truly do not think will ever be special to me again.
But this year, Handsome cannot take off. He works on my bday. We cannot leave and run away. I will have to deal with people wishing me a happy birthday, eat cake, sing songs, be happy.
And right now, all I can think to do is figure out a way that I do not have to be here for that day. But I will have to, and that means I have to deal with the anxiety that always comes around with my birthday.
I hope that one day again, I can have a happy birthday, without anxieties, without bad memories.
Ug.
Peace and Blessings
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