On Christians and Depression

I waited a little to write this out after Robin  Williams death.  I for one thought he was incredibly funny.  I did not agree with much of his politics but he did make me laugh.  I knew he was an addict, and was struggling most of his life with that.  I did not realize his depression though.
I was at work in the aftermath of his death, talking with co workers about it.  Now I work at a large Non Denominational church, so the people I am talking with are all confirmed Christians. What I heard from a few of the younger people floored me. Now they are full of the spirit of serving and living a life pleasing to Christ, and I love love love seeing that in the younger generation.  But they also have much to learn about life in general, lol.
One young man said, "well if he had the Lord, this wouldn't have happened".
I said what do you mean by that? He told me if he had the Lord, he could have cast all his cares on Him, he (robin williams) could have given his anxiety over to the Lord, and he would not have had a problem.
Wait, what????
In love, I turned and told him that many devout, loving, serving Christians suffer with depression.  They suffer with anxiety. They do cast their cares on the Lord, over and over and over again.  It helps, certainly , to know that God has a plan in all the mess, that He will be there in the end for you, but it does not magically end the anxiety or depression.  This attitude among Christians is what is driving many Christians to feel as if they failed, or are not "good enough" for God to get rid of the depresssion and anxiety.  On top of the problems they are having, they now feel like "failed Christians" because the Lord wasnt enough to stop the problem, so it must be that I do not believe enough, or havent prayed enough, or any of a thousand reasons the Lord is not taking this away.
Sometimes, in times of real anxiety and/or depression, people will self medicate.  They do this to try to stop the pain and anxiety. Now you add to the feeling of failure, you failed at being a christian because you did not cast your worries on Him, and NOW you are doing something you know is not what the Lord wants, but you justify it because it does help temporarily to ease the pain.
But then it comes back.
This happened to me.  I tried just treating the symptoms for years.  I told myself that the Lord would take this away from me in His time.  Until then I must just suffer through.  My family paid, my marriage paid, my job paid.
Then one day the world around me collapsed. I thank God for my doctor, I fell apart in his office while I was taking my mother in law to him for a check up.  He asked if I was ok, and BAM the flood gates opened and I just bawled and broke down, and I mean broken.
He hugged me and said please let me help you.  I had spoken to him before about the anxiety, I only wanted a medicine to take at the time of the anxiety, but I systematically refused to take and anti depressent for some strange reason. But on that day, I would do anything to get help.  I hadn't slept in months, I lost weight.  It was aweful.  So I agreed to the antidepressant.  After 4 days I felt my mind clear, after two weeks I could eat.  He brought me in and asked how I was doing, and I told him how amazing I felt, but that I still was not sleeping.  He said I want to up your dose, and I freaked out a bit.  He said I want you to sleep at night, try this for two weeks, if you do not feel better yet, and get sleep we will back it down.
Lo and Behold, after three days of the higher dose I was sleeping, all night long!
And guess what, God still loved me, and I loved Him , no changes in that.
I was not a failed Christian, but a stubborn one.  He had been sending me help every time I went to the Dr., but I did not see it as that.  I saw it as being weak.  Until I was so overcome with weakness that I accepted the help that I now see was sent by God so long ago, but I did not recognize.
So please, if you are a Christian and need help, ask for it.  You are NOT a failed Christian for asking for help, it does not mean that you are not good enough, or that you are paying for something.
On the flip side, if you are a Christian, and see a brother or sister suffering, pray for them yes, but do not think for a moment that they have done something wrong.  Help them, hug them and say, Can I help you?
Sister, Brother, you are not alone, reach out for the help that is out there.  The first step is the hardest. After that, its all down hill.
I think that Robin Williams felt like he had failed. Like he wasn't good enough to stop feeling these feelings, that he deserved it. He didn't, nobody does.
Peace and Blessings,
LTW

very sad situation

I have some things going on with extended family that are making me very sad, and very frustrated.  A member of our family is being hurt by actions that were not hers, but her mothers actions. Her mother is so stubborn, and I am sorry but MEAN, that instead of doing what needed done to make sure her daughters wedding was beautiful, with all her family there, she continued to say  mean and terrible things about me.  When Handsome was shown what she said about me, he tried calling her, she would not answer. So he was very angry and said you cannot talk to LTW like that, and if you insist on this, we will NOT be coming to the wedding.
We never heard another word from wicked witch of the east after that he left that message.  So we assumed that she would tell her daughter, that we were not coming.  We did not expect her to tell the truth, but at least mention to daughter we cannot come.  There are long standing issues here, and her daughter chose to ignore these issues and pretend all is well.  The wedding is this weekend. I got a message from the bride saying "you are still coming right?"  Now, the thing is, that I am the bad guy to her mother, she is angry with me.The reasons are selfish and if she said the reasons out loud, she may realize that she sounds crazy, but she makes her own reality and always has.....
I told her to call her mother.  She then got back to me, and of course her mother made a different reality, and her daughter is mad with us because we are choosing not to come.  I had to tell her what happened, and why.  She told me, I am staying out of this situation with you and mom.  I told her that because of the foul and awful things she said, uncle Handsome wants an apology from Wicked Witch mom.
She blames us.
Again, I am the bitch, the bad guy. I am the selfish one.
You know, I have only let the wicked witches mother live with me and care for her for THIRTEEN YEARS. So yeah, I deserve the anger on her part.........not.
But ultimately I am sad that we cannot be there, I was excited and happy to go.  The bride was excited to have her whole family around her.
And now we are the ones feeling bad again..
Peace and Blessings.

Just a few goings on

Well today has nothing to do with handsome and I other than to say things have been pretty darn good!!  We have been enjoying each others company, talking, reminiscing.  It has been very nice. No feelings of insecurity have reared their ugly head in the past week or so.  We had a lovely time at camp, even though it rained every night.  It rains every time we camp, so I was not surprised lol.

I figured today if I can figure it out I may put in some pictures of my garden. or at least some produce.  I have had a great garden year so far, at least until it turned 70 degrees for a HIGH temp here, which is NOT summer weather.  I worry now that all my tomatoes will not ripe  without some warm nights.  My peppers which were eaten by aphids at first are finally coming back, but they do not like the cool weather and will probably quit producing.  Now the beans, they are going CRAZY!  And I am still picking beans.
The county farm show is going on next week, and I am going to enter a bunch of stuff.  I used to enter so we got a free ticket to get in, but I have some nice produce and flowers, so I decided to enter anything I can, hey top prize in each category is $4!!!!!!!
I always have fun at the farm show, no I do not ride the scary rides, or even not scary rides, but I love looking at all the great produce and quilts and animals.  It is right up the street from me, which is even nicer! So all and all, this has been a nice week or so.  I hope that you are having a good week too.  Whether it is in your garden or in your marriage.
I pray for any here who are struggling in their marriage, that they can do the hard work that will help to restore it.
Peace and Blessings.
LTW

When you feel better about yourself, you feel better all the way around

Handsome and I have been having a great week.  We are going away for our 20th annual "Christmas in July" camping trip!  We now are going with our grand babies.  This is a group of people who we have gone with for 20 years, faithfully, watching our kids grow up.  What makes us both feel great is the fact that are grown kids choose to go every year with their parents. Quite frankly, Handsome and I both know we would not have hung out with our parents in our late teens and early twenties, but our kids do.  We treasure that.  And the excitement for me is crazy because my twins are going to see it for the first time in their little lives.  Although I told my kids, don't be surprised if they don't sleep like they do at home, and if they melt down its ok.  There will be plenty of "grands" and "aunts and uncles" there to help with the chores.  Then on Saturday night a big "Snow Ball" dance, with all the campers.  It is cheesy great fun.
And that is what has been happening, we are having fun again together.  Real smile and enjoy ourselves fun.  No second guessing , no wondering if he wants to be where he is, because it is readily apparant he does.
We are planning a trip on Route 66, the whole thing.  We have this amazing future we are again looking forward too.
Today.
My prayer is today that this continues, that my demons are behind me.  But for today, life is GOOD>

sorry for the break

I have been insanely busy of late.  My MIL came home from rehab, our basement flooded and life is just crazy right now.
My last post, I was so excited~ We had such a wonderful time together. We saw beautiful sights, rode on crazy mountain roads, and bonded.  We stayed in an old cheap motel, and reminisced about how we used to pick up and take trips, sometimes with no destination in mind, just go and see what is out there.  We have always shared a wanderlust between us.  We one time when our First Born was three, we decided on a whim to go to Assategue Island and camp for a week.  No reservations, no knowledge of where we would go if it that did not work.  We went in blind, but it worked out, and we had one of the most memorable trips we have ever had.  We made such great memories, that we still to this day share.
So this quick y trip was something we love to do.  It also did wonders for my head.  By that I mean, I was pretty tortured about being home and "celebrating" my birthday.  We had kids over for the 4th, no cake, just a picnic.  We all went to watch the fireworks, it was great fun.  I adore the times my whole family are together, as does Handsome.  I can see him looking around and smiling. We talk when they leave about how we made great kids. We had great family fun.
When Handsome suggested going somewhere I jumped on it, said lets go~! And also can we stay the night, go on an adventure?  Handsome was very happy to accomodate.  People, he was wonderful, thoughtful, kind and generous. I felt LOVED people~!  I felt valued, I felt that consideration was taken for me.
It was just what I needed in other words, and Handsome KNEW it. ( how could he help it though after my crazy outburst)
When you decide to reconcile your marriage after an affair, one of the things I have found is I have a overwhelming desire to create new AMAZING memories.  Because for a long long time, you have "before the affair memories" and "after Dday" memories. This weekend goes into my vault of new wonderful memories.
I write in this blog to offload some of the feelings I have to deal with. I worry that Handsome sounds like this ogre of a man, that all of you wonder how I live with. He isn't , he is incredibly thoughtful, an amazing father, one of the hardest working men I know.  He has worked so hard to provide for his family, he supported me in every decision about staying home to raise our kids after working with the first baby.  He loves me.  I know you may be shaking your head, but he does.
MY struggle is wanting to be loved in the way I want.  I became so very needy after the affair, I am trying to dig my way out of that.  I want to be secure, safe, and loved. Today, this week, I feel that way. Today I am excited about our future, today I am making plans for our future, and so is he!
We are planning a bucket list trip, to ride/drive all of route 66 from Chicago to the Santa Monica Peir.  This to me is so exciting~!  This is the future, and Handsome is EAGERLY planning for US to go on the trip of our life.  His eyes light up, and I get excited, looking up websites and places to stay and eat.  We put our heads together and dream of an exciting time we will share in our future. We both feel BLESSED.  Both of us.
If I can give one piece of advice if you try reconciliation.  Look around at your life, and see what things made you both happy.  Do those things. Not the way you used to do them, but make new memories.  These new memories will slowly replace ones that may be sad. Not completely but they sure do help me.
I pray that if there is anyone here that is going thru the trials of recovery from an affair can come here and see they are not alone.  That they are not crazy for these thoughts of insecurity.  That normal will have a new definition, and that it is ok.  I root for your marriages, I truly believe if there is a way to save your marriage you should try to save it.  Marriage has become way to disposable these days.
So if you are in the thick of it, know that I pray for you.  I pray whenever I write my crazy words that if one person comes here I hope that I can be of help.  I pray for your marriage, I pray for you.
Peace and Blessings
LTW

what a wonderful weekend.

Handsome did it. He gave me a beautiful weekend. We went on adventure when he got off work Sat, and we took the bike and went somewhere beautiful. We spent the night in a hotel, and then hiked and rode the bike on lovely roads.
He gets it. He got it.
He made me forget.
We made new memories, to hopefully erase the other one. I'm smiling.
Peace and blessings

the voices in my head

I think that most people would say that in an affair, be it emotional, or physical, that the most harm comes from the thought of our spouse with another person.  That must be the hardest part most people think.  Maybe for some it is the hardest part, but not for me.
Oh sure, I definitely had a very hard time with her.  I compared myself to her, looks, personality all of it.  But I found it much easier to let her go.
What I cannot get rid of so easily is the voices in my head.  No, I am not crazy yet, lol.  By the voices in my head, I mean the words that were spoken between Handsome and I when Dday first happened. Many marriage infidelity sites will tell you that the wayward person will make up their own version of the past, to justify in their mind that what they are doing is ok, because the person they are married to is just the worst person ever. They say hurtful things, to try to make themselves feel better.  Those are the voices I hear. Those are the voices that I just have such a hard time getting rid of.  These are the voices that I want to replace with words of affirmation, words of love.
Handsome doesnt quite get how I cannot put those words behind me.  He promises he did not mean them, but I still hear them.
I think this week is bad too, because my birthday is upon us.  And I would give any amount of money to be anywhere but here, but that is not to be.  So I will continue to slay my dragon voices.  I will cling to the man I love, and pray that he works hard to help me over come these voices.
I pray to God to put a different voice in my head, His voice.
It will get better, it has gotten better.  I have faith.
I just wish my birthday would go away.
Peace and Blessings