sorry it has been so long.

Hello friends! I am sorry I have been away for so long, life has been so busy, I went to visit my family for a week, then of course you need a week to catch up from being gone for a week.
The weather today finally broke after 2 weeks of rain every.single.day. Fortunately for me it was not so much rain as to ruin my garden as it is all in raised beds, and my garden is going bonkers!  I planted all heirloom veg this year, I get them from rareseeds.com which is Bakers Creek Seeds.  I had 100% germination, which is really amazing and all of it is going great gangbusters.  I hope that I get a plentiful tomato harvest. I have read that sometimes heirlooms do not produce as many fruit as the hybrid, but we will see. I did not get my San Martzano tomatoes in, and they produce like mad for me.  I have 4 types, Cherokee Purple, Amish Paste ( which I hope produces like mad for canning), some kind of Genovese tomato, and Arkansas Traveler.  If any of you have experience with these types, I would love input. Also if anyone would like to trade seeds at the end of the year, I would love to do that as well. I so enjoy sharing plants from around the country.  I sent Kymber some of my forget me knots as well as a surprise or two for her rock garden, and she sent me Lupines which I will plant over the winter to put out next spring.  It gives me a great feeling of connection with my friends from other places.
I have also been eating baby bok choy and peas from my garden! I wish I had room to plant enough peas to put up, but that would require so many rows, so I plant enough to enjoy eating fresh from the garden.  They are perhaps my favorite fresh picked veg, well one of my favorites~lol.

My grand twins are still the joy of my life, they are starting to talk like gang busters, and man nothing is funnier than what comes out of a couple of 2 year old mouths.  They are the joy of my life and I treasure each moment with them. We are finally making progress, after four years of saving, on finishing our kitchen. I cannot wait for it to be done, I think I got used to living in a torn up house, and that should not be!  I am not picky, nor do I live in a "fancy" house, and let me tell you, the area I live in, the houses are RIDICULOUS. But we are so close to paying it off, which those fancy houses will probably never be paid off.  We hope that when we pay it off we can afford better health insurance, how sad is that. Instead of paying off our house and traveling, like we had hoped, we will use that money to pay for health insurance that will be MORE EXPENSIVE THAN OUR MORTGAGE. I pray every single day that they fix this mess that is Obamacare.

Handsome has seemed off lately. I am not sure what is up, he says everything is fine.  It is funny, when I started this blog, it was to deal with issues I was struggling with.  I have veered away from that some, as I have internet friends who now read, and I don't want to talk "badly" about my DH. But if I am to stay true to why I started this, it was to deal with things that spin around in my head and grow bigger and bigger until it is a huge problem.  I also believe that when we dwell on negative situations in our life, it is an open door for the devil to plant thoughts in your head, because we all know that the evil one wants to tear apart anything that God deems good, and marriage is good in the eyes of the Lord, and when we commit before Him to death do us part, and we honor God by honoring our vows, well the devil LOVES to ruin what God blesses. So that is another reason I started this, was to get it off my mind and my chest.  Every marriage has problems, and nobody is immune to that, be you Christian or not.  My problems stem from the issue of my handsomes emotional affair over five years ago. I get better and better at handling these issues as time passes, and I pray someday that I just never ever think about it, but that day is not now.  Surprisingly it is not the woman who I ever think about or worry about. It is the things said in the heat of anger that I hear in my head so often.  I know that he said these things to justify to himself that what he was doing was ok, but part of me ALWAYS worries that he was speaking the truth, the real inside him truth, but then when the dust settled that he stayed with me because of his obligations to family, because he knew his children would never see him the same way, than staying because he really realized that he did in fact love me and wanted to stay. This is my insecurity, and I deal with it every time I think that Handsome has something "wrong" He never really talks about emotions, never has, but one of the things we agreed in counseling was that he needed to tell me when there was a problem because I do not have the ability to read his mind. He agreed to that, and has done better about it, but I still feel at times he holds back with me. I have stated before that our intimate life has struggled as well, and that never helps things. I guess I throw that out here now because I have been having some insecure feelings lately.  Feeling like something is bothering him, even though he swears there is not. I promised God I would not dwell on these insecurities, and I am trying so hard. But I felt like maybe if I puked it all out on "paper" it would help to get rid of them. I know that life changes, that we change, that being together for over thirty years, well that makes changes in a marriage.  Funny thing though, if you asked either he or me who would we choose to spend time with, we would both pick each other, we are indeed best of friends, who really enjoy each other, make each other laugh, love adventuring together, get joy out of the same things. I guess what I am feeling is the passion is gone, not the love.
Uggg. I am sorry to have blathered on about it, but originally this was my intent, to get these feelings out in a way that helped me.  I also know that as my birthday comes closer I always struggle harder with these feelings, as the day my world fell apart was my birthday. I have dreaded them ever since, and try to go away and not even acknowledge it at all! We have been able to do it every year, he has taken me away on an adventure, but this year we cannot afford it, and it kinda scares me. I like to run away for my birthday, and I cant.

Anywho~!  I sincerely hope this finds my internet friends healthy ( waves at Mrs. PP) happy ( always miss Kymber!) And enjoying their gardens and summer!
Peace and Blessings to you...
LTW.....