State of the Union....

So just a quick update of the state of my mind, and our union, Handsome and I.  It seems that my anxiety about our marriage is finally getting better. I think I finally feel enough time has passed, that if Handsome truly was still unhappy, or trying to just "make it" in our marriage it would have come out by now.  We are at a happy place in our lives.  I have come to accept that Handsome will not, after this many years, be anything different that who he is.  He is not flowers and romance.  He is not a man of words.  He is a man of action tho, and he has been very clear on where his happiness lies.
A midlife crisis is a terrible thing, but boy do I see how they happen.  I have crossed the line, I am 51 this year.  I find myself sometimes wondering if this is what my life should have been, and wondering if I could have made better choices.  I can see how if you are slightly depressed, this could take you down a long and winding path of discontent.  I think that you need to be very very aware that if you start going  down the "what if " road, the devil can have a field day in your brain.  The evil one loves discontent, he plays in the muck and mire of it. For me, the way to continually arm myself against that is to "count my blessings, one by one".  The evil one cannot dispute you when you are thankful for the blessings you are given, and have been given.
Handsome opened the door on that discontent, and the evil one had a field day with him.  It was hard and soul crushing, especially for me at that time, but I think the passing years have been hard on him.  He has shame for what he did.  He is always struggling with forgiving himself.  He struggles how I forgave him.  But those struggles get less and less as the days go by.  If you live in forgiveness, it is easier to accept that forgiveness.
I have had to also learn to accept that I must let go of the past to be able to live fully in this moment.  If I open the door to discontent, why would I not expect the evil one to come in and fill my head with thoughts, if only handsome would say this, or do that? The exact same way he did to Handsome.

So now, I start my day and end my night with all the blessing we have.  How we have been provided for, how we have been taken care of during all the worst times.  Funny thing is, since I have done this, there has not been any what if thoughts.

I am happy.
Blessings and Peace
LTW