Like everyone I have been incredibly busy with Christmas and the New Year. I have had little time to sit and think, and less time to put those thoughts on paper.
I deal with anxiety. I have always dealt with it. For many years I did not have a name for it, but I felt like I was constantly going to burst at the seams. Anxiety takes many forms, in some it can be a rapid heart beat, in others they loose their breath. Some people are anxious about unknown things, some people are anxious because of the state of the world around them. Many people with anxiety deal with depression as well. I have anxiety, and I have dealt with depression as well.
I have taken medication for many years, and it has helped tremendously. BUT.... I still have anxiety.
This is what my anxiety looks like, and feels like on a daily basis. I cannot stop. I cannot relax. If I find myself sitting on the couch, it creates anxiety in me. I MUST BE DOING SOMETHING, every minute of every day, until I collapse in bed. IF I sit, I feel an extreme form of restlessness, which then progresses to a feeling I like to call "superman in the phone booth". Do you remember superman? He used to go into a phone booth, rip open his shirt at the chest and out would pop his superman outfit? Well take that picture and make it rip open your chest and just let the anxiety POP out. It is so hard to explain to so many people. But in looking back on my life, I have struggled with this since I was a child. I remember rocking back and forth in my bed, on my knees with my head on the pillow just wanting to get rid of the feeling. Honestly I cannot even say what triggers it for me. There are normal times when you should have anxiety, for me high places, or bridges. I understand that anxiety. What I do not understand is the anxiety for no reason. So I struggle with this. I take a daily medicine, and xanax one time a day, but still have break thru anxiety. So I proceed to beat myself up. Why?
I am a Christian. The bible tells us to "cast all our cares on Him, and He will care for us". I promise, I cast my cares on Him, but still I have anxiety. What does that mean? Does it mean I am not letting go of my anxiety? Does it mean I do not trust God to take it away? Does He want me to suffer with it? If so, to what end?
I have struggled for years with this question. I think though that in this new year, I am not going to struggle with that question anymore. For whatever reason, this is my lot in life. God knows it, and He allows it, and I will learn the reason one day when I reside in Heaven. But until then I have to STOP beating myself up, I have to STOP thinking I am a failed Christian. I am not. I do cast my cares on Him, somedays are easier than others. I pray to con core this one day at a time, with the Love of God shining on me.
I am a Christian, I love the Lord, and I have anxiety.
Peace and Blessings
LTW
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