sorry for the break

I have been insanely busy of late.  My MIL came home from rehab, our basement flooded and life is just crazy right now.
My last post, I was so excited~ We had such a wonderful time together. We saw beautiful sights, rode on crazy mountain roads, and bonded.  We stayed in an old cheap motel, and reminisced about how we used to pick up and take trips, sometimes with no destination in mind, just go and see what is out there.  We have always shared a wanderlust between us.  We one time when our First Born was three, we decided on a whim to go to Assategue Island and camp for a week.  No reservations, no knowledge of where we would go if it that did not work.  We went in blind, but it worked out, and we had one of the most memorable trips we have ever had.  We made such great memories, that we still to this day share.
So this quick y trip was something we love to do.  It also did wonders for my head.  By that I mean, I was pretty tortured about being home and "celebrating" my birthday.  We had kids over for the 4th, no cake, just a picnic.  We all went to watch the fireworks, it was great fun.  I adore the times my whole family are together, as does Handsome.  I can see him looking around and smiling. We talk when they leave about how we made great kids. We had great family fun.
When Handsome suggested going somewhere I jumped on it, said lets go~! And also can we stay the night, go on an adventure?  Handsome was very happy to accomodate.  People, he was wonderful, thoughtful, kind and generous. I felt LOVED people~!  I felt valued, I felt that consideration was taken for me.
It was just what I needed in other words, and Handsome KNEW it. ( how could he help it though after my crazy outburst)
When you decide to reconcile your marriage after an affair, one of the things I have found is I have a overwhelming desire to create new AMAZING memories.  Because for a long long time, you have "before the affair memories" and "after Dday" memories. This weekend goes into my vault of new wonderful memories.
I write in this blog to offload some of the feelings I have to deal with. I worry that Handsome sounds like this ogre of a man, that all of you wonder how I live with. He isn't , he is incredibly thoughtful, an amazing father, one of the hardest working men I know.  He has worked so hard to provide for his family, he supported me in every decision about staying home to raise our kids after working with the first baby.  He loves me.  I know you may be shaking your head, but he does.
MY struggle is wanting to be loved in the way I want.  I became so very needy after the affair, I am trying to dig my way out of that.  I want to be secure, safe, and loved. Today, this week, I feel that way. Today I am excited about our future, today I am making plans for our future, and so is he!
We are planning a bucket list trip, to ride/drive all of route 66 from Chicago to the Santa Monica Peir.  This to me is so exciting~!  This is the future, and Handsome is EAGERLY planning for US to go on the trip of our life.  His eyes light up, and I get excited, looking up websites and places to stay and eat.  We put our heads together and dream of an exciting time we will share in our future. We both feel BLESSED.  Both of us.
If I can give one piece of advice if you try reconciliation.  Look around at your life, and see what things made you both happy.  Do those things. Not the way you used to do them, but make new memories.  These new memories will slowly replace ones that may be sad. Not completely but they sure do help me.
I pray that if there is anyone here that is going thru the trials of recovery from an affair can come here and see they are not alone.  That they are not crazy for these thoughts of insecurity.  That normal will have a new definition, and that it is ok.  I root for your marriages, I truly believe if there is a way to save your marriage you should try to save it.  Marriage has become way to disposable these days.
So if you are in the thick of it, know that I pray for you.  I pray whenever I write my crazy words that if one person comes here I hope that I can be of help.  I pray for your marriage, I pray for you.
Peace and Blessings
LTW