Oh dear, what a week

Where do I begin???
Well I have spoke of my in laws, my sister and brother in law, my mother in law who lives with me.  Well the wicked witch of the east (yes she is a REAL witch) has done some real damage to our family.  She said awful things about me, that are #1 untrue and #2 show her to be the ungrateful woman she is.  I have taken care of her mother for 13 years. She rarely comes for a visit, and the last time she did, it was after 4 years of not visiting, and we had to make her feel guilty to come see her mother when she was hospitalized 3 times in a month. Her mother is going down hill fast.  I do not really expect her to live a whole lot longer. The kicker is, she is only 5 1/2 hours away. I live 15 hours away from my mother, and visit 2x every single year.  I talk to my mother a couple times a week.  She wont even call.
Well she stirred up the whole family, wrote a note calling me vile names, and Handsome read it.  Well, Handsome really stood up for me, and has been really really wonderful thru this! At this point in time, I do not know if we will ever speak to them again.
And his mother is in the hospital again, going to a rehab home.  Over night she lost the ability to walk. We have stairs in our older 1940's house.  If she cannot do stairs she will have to go to the nursing home, and we were trying hard to avoid that....:(

Then on top of all this, we had a flood in our basement.  We have lived here for 20 years, and never a drop of water in the basement, ever.  So when Handsome's mother came, we built a bedroom in the basement for our son, who gave up his room for his gma. So yup, all of it is gone. Thankfully we could save electronic things, but lost so much. We spent the past thirty six hours or so trying to pitch everything, rip up carpet, and just try to make it habitable again. It is so damp where I am at, that nothing wants to dry. This coupled with the grief we are getting from his family is leading to some heavy weight landing on my shoulders.

Young son said, look on the bright side mom, we have been wanting to clean out the basement. lol his is correct, but I did not want to clean everything we had out of it, and into the trash!  Oh, and I forgot the kicker is our homeowners insurance will not cover it. None of it. Because we all have extra money laying around.  Right.
I am trying not to focus on the wicked witch of the east, but she said some very hard and hurtful things.  I am trying to focus on what blessings are right in front of me, and I have many.
Handsome and I have been drawn together tightly in this battle with his family, and our storm.  So if there is any pay off, that is it.
Off to clean some more wet things...
Peace and Blessings

This will be a first

Well, this is going to be a first since the affair.
I will have to be home for my birthday.
I want to cry, but I will put on my big girl pants and suck it up. I will just ignore that day, if my kids will let me.  Some of you may know why I do not want to be around for my birthday, if you read my past posts.  Some of you may not know about it, so I will give a brief reason why.
My life as I knew it ended on my birthday 4 years ago.  Handsome took me for a short ride, not where I wanted to go, then took me home.  He proceeded to leave for an afternoon ride, while I stayed home and got my birthday supper ready.  That is NOT the way it works in my family.  You get your favorite meal, and you DO NOT cook it yourself.  But I did. Then I asked my MIL to heat something up in the house, while I was outside cooking burgers.  She let it burn.  Handsome was not home in time, and the kids were there waiting with me.  I flipped when half the supper was burned, I cried, and I ran up stairs. I KNEW something was wrong, but I had no clue whatsoever.  NONE.
It would come out in drips and drabs throughout the next two weeks, the truth, the way he was feeling.  But it all went back to my birthday, that was D day for me.  That was the day everything changed, even if I did not know it.
So in an effort to not HATE my birthday, I have Handsome take me away every year somewhere on the bike, for a couple days.  ( It helps that my birthday is around a major holiday that makes taking off work easier)
Enough time that I forget what day is what, and boom, my birthday has gone by!  I did not have to think about it, or remember it or anything. That is what makes my birthday tolerable to me. I have not had to have the kids sing happy birthday, or the cake, or the "special meal" that I truly do not think will ever be special to me again.
But this year, Handsome cannot take off.  He works on my bday.  We cannot leave and run away. I will have to deal with people wishing me a happy birthday, eat cake, sing songs, be happy.
And right now, all I can think to do is figure out a way that I do not have to be here for that day.  But I will have to, and that means I have to deal with the anxiety that always comes around with my birthday.
I hope that one day again, I can have a happy birthday, without anxieties, without bad memories.
Ug.
Peace and Blessings

open mouth, and out comes some built up resentment

High.
Family, extended family, can bring out THE worst in people.  My in law family is as deeply entwined in my life as is possible. Hanson's mother has lived here for thirteen long years.
There are a bunch of hard feelings going on right now, and an upcoming wedding! Boy how that mixes, huh?!
The story is too long for my kindle, but I overheard Handsome talking to the wicked witch, (my sister in law is a REAL witch, sigh another story).
Because I only overheard part of the conversation, I jumped to a few conclusions. That is not good, when your emotions are in high gear....
So I went outside, I weeded the gardens. I watched my peas grow, lol. I sat on the swing, getting upset, and feeling hurt. When I came in I was properly worked up. So I blurted. A bunch. Guess what tho, I had jumped to conclusions, but one thing in my emotional outburst was true. I was feeling under valued, and very unloved. I had t ok him that. I have discussed my need for more intimacy, need more display of love. Since his affair, I NEED this, like air, I need an I love you.
I don't get them unless I say it first. All physical touch is initiated by me. I have brought this to his attention as well. He has not been following up well.
So tonight I snapped. I told him how I felt. He of course did not address that, but we did get the family situation fixed, for now.
But you want to know something? I am glad I said it. I want him to think about it.
Peace and blessings

wonderful day

I have a longer post to write, but I hope all the dad's out there had a wonderful day.
We had a blast! The grandbabies swam in the tiny pool. We cooked out ribs and potato salad. The children to Handsome out shooting. That was a fantastic good time! They all had new to them guns. Handsome inherited his best friends AK 47, he had not shot it in thirty years. They had a great good time.
I hope your Sunday was blessed.
Blessings and peace

Absence makes the heart grow fonder

I am visiting my mother this week. It is the first time since our reconciliation that I have gone away for more than a weekend, but this week I put on my big girl pants and drove a thousand miles by myself.
First off, yay me! :) I have always been afraid to do the trip myself, but there w
as no way handsome could take off work, so I took my car, with 210,000 miles on it and drove here!
A very nice, very fulfilling thing is happening though, I am missed. Handsome is REALLY missing me. He is filling my love bank up, and I can't wait to see him, and him me.
So two wonderful things happened this week, I grew up, and I was missed.
I can't wait to go home :)

Time out for present day issues, and dag gone TRIGGERS

So I am getting ready to leave to visit my family half way across the country. Unfortunately, Handsome cannot come with me this time, he has no vacation accrued yet at his newish job.  So I will be going alone.  Driving alone, and staying one night in a hotel by myself.
I have never ever driven the amount of miles, or this trip by myself.  I thought I would be ok about it, no anxiety but I find I am having some dreams that are pointing out that I am having some issues with the trip, and they are not about driving.

This will be the first time that I will be gone since Handsome had his affair. Now we do not live in the house alone, there are others living there, so it isn't if he is all alone.  But I guess "unsupervised" might describe it, but I don't supervise him. I guess it is just that I wont be there, and right before Dday, I made this trip alone, and found out that much of his spare time that week was spent with her.  I told you I found out about it right after my birthday, and found out that he had spent my birthday with her.  I also found out that he spent many evenings riding with Handsome while I was visiting family. So this is what I consider a trigger.  The trip, the amount of time, all of it is triggering some unpleasant thoughts that tend to dominate my head.  I do not want to spend my time worrying about what he may or may not be doing.  I talked not to long ago about making the decision to trust Handsome. That in order to succeed in this reconciliation I MUST trust again.  The reason is two fold, one because the doubt tortures my soul, and two, because no relationship can survive with out trust. So this is my big test for myself.  Can I go away, and keep my thoughts under control.  Can I keep trusting so I do not feel insecure.  So that I can enjoy this time away.
I can handle the triggers, I know that they may plague me in some way or another for the rest of my days.  But I am determined to trust again, so all week, I tell myself, it will be ok. He promised me.  He said never ever again. He said he will not put himself in compromising places, will not ever befriend a woman again.
So I keep telling myself that I have made this choice to trust.  I will keep that choice in the forefront of my mind in the week I am gone.
I am human.  I will worry some, but I am determined to make that choice, to shut out the voices of doubt, and believe that my husband will never do it again.
Triggers, they so suck :).
I am strong. I will overcome. I trust.
Peace and blessings~!

Hindsite

It is so easy to look back at a situation and see where mistakes were made.  It is something most people experience at some point along the way of life, we see so much clearer on the other side of a situation.

In the immediate aftermath of Dday, most betrayed spouses will say, "I did not see any problems", or " I thought we were happy".  I said that. Loudly. I railed and yelled, and tortured myself with "what happened?", "why didn't I see it coming"..

Now, I am more than three years out, and I have the luxury of hind site.  I can see, looking back, that we were not spending one on one time together.  We were not connecting or talking about anything but the running of our household.  We stopped having fun together, it was all chores. Our intimate life was suffering. My spouse was loosing weight and bought a motorcycle. All these little signs, that on their own, may not trigger any suspicion, but when weighed together in hind site, they reveal a  problem.

Part of the problem in my not recognizing it was comfort.  We have been together for most of my life.  We were comfortable with each other.  We stopped trying to impress, or compliment each other.  We became a team in raising our family, and forgot to put each other at the top of our respective lists. We took each other for granted.

If you are in a marriage now, that has been a long time marriage, or if you have just started this road together, please always evaluate where you both are in the marriage.  What I mean is take a moment, and ask your spouse, how are you doing today?  Lets go outside and talk.  Tell me about your day, is there anything I can do to help you relax?  Would you like to talk or just rest. Be aware, be intentional in fostering the closeness that you both have in each other.

Marriage is for the long haul.  You both will spend more years with each other, than any other relationship.  Treasure each other.  If you start feeling like your spouse is not giving you the attention you need SPEAK UP. Hearing the hard things may be upsetting in the moment, but try to think of the big picture.  Try to see this as an investment in your future.

I will be brutally honest.  First I take no responsibility for Handsomes cheating, that is on him one hundred percent.  But I will be honest and say that I had started treating Handsome like another one of my kids, telling him what to do, how to do it, and hurry up already.  I quit treating him like a partner, and was treating him as my "responsibility".  I had quit showing him I loved him as a man, not as a provider, or what a hard worker he was.  But a man, my husband, my partner.

I will never take responsibility, but I will look at my past with hindsite, and be brutally honest with myself.  I failed in areas as a wife. I was not perfect.

That does not give any person the right to cheat, it doesn't.  But it gives me an insight into the mind of my handsome, to look at where I could have improved. To look at the lack of communication.  To see that there was something wrong in our relationship.  

In Hind site, so much becomes clear.

I implore you, look at your situation with the glasses of honesty. It may hurt, but it will help you to heal, even if healing is not reconciliation.

I pray for all of the betrayed out there.....

Peace and blessings.

Who Cheats?

I was looking around at some statistics this weekend.  The numbers are staggering, and getting worse every year.

Below are compiled statistics on infidelity and marriage:

Percentage of marriages that end in divorce in America: 53%

Percentage of "arranged marriages" (where parents pick their sons or daughters spouses) that end in divorce: 3%

Medical field(s) with the highest divorce rate: psychiatrists and marriage counselors

Percentage of marriages where one or both spouses admit to infidelity, either physical or emotional: 41%

Percentage of men who admit to committing infidelity in any relationship they've had: 57%

Percentage of women who admit to committing infidelity in any relationship they've had: 54%

Percentage of men and women who admit to having an affair with a co-worker: 36%

Percentage of men and women who admit to infidelity on business trips: 36%

Percentage of men and women who admit to infidelity (emotional or physical) with a brother-in-law or sister-in-law: 17%

Average length of an affair: 2 years

Percentage of marriages that last after an affair has been admitted to or discovered: 31%

Percentage of men who say they would have an affair if they knew they would never get caught: 74%

Percentage of women who say they would have an affair if they knew they would never get caught: 68%

Those statistics are scary to me.  If I had seen them prior to our situation, I would have said, "thank God we are not part of those statistics!" But now I am a part of them. Handsome is part of the 57% of men.

Together we are part of  only 31% of couples who reconcile.

Wow. Less than one third make it to reconciliation.  Yet more than half the men are doing this, as well as over half the women as well!  These are staggering numbers.

I think  that this number is rising all the time. I hope that if you are reading this you are not one of these statistics.  If you are though, I want to encourage you to look at your situation as much as an observer as possible.  Look to see if there were outside influences?  Look inside as well. I am sorry, I do not want to offend, but in most cases of infidelity, they begin with dissatisfaction in their relationships.  Is there a place that you could improve on?

In my instance, there was such a huge lack of communication, on both parts.  The funny thing about that statement is if you had asked me if I communicated to Handsome before his affair, I would have said YES I talk to him all the time!  Ah, I talked to him. My problem was not listening or observing when he was not listening. There are almost always a plethora of reasons this happens, but I see communication as the biggest culprit. What we discovered was I was talking at him, not to him.  What he learned was he anticipates a response from me, that he may not get, so he clams up. You would think in  all these years, we would be good at communication, but we weren't.  we are so much better now.  So if you think you may be having a problem with communication, please please look very objectively at it.  See if there are better methods to employ when trying to communicate.  Ask your spouse if they feel heard.  Ask them if you are speaking clearly to them.  It is so darn important.

I am somewhat scattered today, but tomorrow I want to talk to you about hind site being twenty twenty, and what you may want to watch for.

Peace and Blessings.