This will be a first

Well, this is going to be a first since the affair.
I will have to be home for my birthday.
I want to cry, but I will put on my big girl pants and suck it up. I will just ignore that day, if my kids will let me.  Some of you may know why I do not want to be around for my birthday, if you read my past posts.  Some of you may not know about it, so I will give a brief reason why.
My life as I knew it ended on my birthday 4 years ago.  Handsome took me for a short ride, not where I wanted to go, then took me home.  He proceeded to leave for an afternoon ride, while I stayed home and got my birthday supper ready.  That is NOT the way it works in my family.  You get your favorite meal, and you DO NOT cook it yourself.  But I did. Then I asked my MIL to heat something up in the house, while I was outside cooking burgers.  She let it burn.  Handsome was not home in time, and the kids were there waiting with me.  I flipped when half the supper was burned, I cried, and I ran up stairs. I KNEW something was wrong, but I had no clue whatsoever.  NONE.
It would come out in drips and drabs throughout the next two weeks, the truth, the way he was feeling.  But it all went back to my birthday, that was D day for me.  That was the day everything changed, even if I did not know it.
So in an effort to not HATE my birthday, I have Handsome take me away every year somewhere on the bike, for a couple days.  ( It helps that my birthday is around a major holiday that makes taking off work easier)
Enough time that I forget what day is what, and boom, my birthday has gone by!  I did not have to think about it, or remember it or anything. That is what makes my birthday tolerable to me. I have not had to have the kids sing happy birthday, or the cake, or the "special meal" that I truly do not think will ever be special to me again.
But this year, Handsome cannot take off.  He works on my bday.  We cannot leave and run away. I will have to deal with people wishing me a happy birthday, eat cake, sing songs, be happy.
And right now, all I can think to do is figure out a way that I do not have to be here for that day.  But I will have to, and that means I have to deal with the anxiety that always comes around with my birthday.
I hope that one day again, I can have a happy birthday, without anxieties, without bad memories.
Ug.
Peace and Blessings