So I am getting ready to leave to visit my family half way across the country. Unfortunately, Handsome cannot come with me this time, he has no vacation accrued yet at his newish job. So I will be going alone. Driving alone, and staying one night in a hotel by myself.
I have never ever driven the amount of miles, or this trip by myself. I thought I would be ok about it, no anxiety but I find I am having some dreams that are pointing out that I am having some issues with the trip, and they are not about driving.
This will be the first time that I will be gone since Handsome had his affair. Now we do not live in the house alone, there are others living there, so it isn't if he is all alone. But I guess "unsupervised" might describe it, but I don't supervise him. I guess it is just that I wont be there, and right before Dday, I made this trip alone, and found out that much of his spare time that week was spent with her. I told you I found out about it right after my birthday, and found out that he had spent my birthday with her. I also found out that he spent many evenings riding with Handsome while I was visiting family. So this is what I consider a trigger. The trip, the amount of time, all of it is triggering some unpleasant thoughts that tend to dominate my head. I do not want to spend my time worrying about what he may or may not be doing. I talked not to long ago about making the decision to trust Handsome. That in order to succeed in this reconciliation I MUST trust again. The reason is two fold, one because the doubt tortures my soul, and two, because no relationship can survive with out trust. So this is my big test for myself. Can I go away, and keep my thoughts under control. Can I keep trusting so I do not feel insecure. So that I can enjoy this time away.
I can handle the triggers, I know that they may plague me in some way or another for the rest of my days. But I am determined to trust again, so all week, I tell myself, it will be ok. He promised me. He said never ever again. He said he will not put himself in compromising places, will not ever befriend a woman again.
So I keep telling myself that I have made this choice to trust. I will keep that choice in the forefront of my mind in the week I am gone.
I am human. I will worry some, but I am determined to make that choice, to shut out the voices of doubt, and believe that my husband will never do it again.
Triggers, they so suck :).
I am strong. I will overcome. I trust.
Peace and blessings~!
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