Do over!

When we were kids if we did not like the outcome of something, we would yell "do over"! If your friends were nice, they let you do whatever "it" was over.
Or say we are golfing, you make a TERRIBLE shot, you ask you friends if you can take a mulligan.  That friends is a fancy golf term for do over lol.  I know that I cannot be the only person who as an adult says "I wish I could have a do over in this or that situation."

When I reflect on how we handled our reconciliation from his affair, I think to myself, I wish I had a do over.  One that would have made it easier for me to believe that he still did love me.  Easier for me to believe that he did not reconcile out of guilt alone, or because the kids were furious, or because he saw the error of his ways.
One way that would have happened I believe is to have actually separated.  Now at the time, if you had suggested that I would have railed against you, telling you that if I let him go, or I go, then it will just make it easier for him to leave our marriage. I would have freaked out and said that was giving in to her. There are numerous reasons I would have had for NOT separating.
But as the years go by, and as we navigate this thing that is our marriage, and try to make it out of the murky waters of an emotional affair, I find myself thinking, "self, what if you had left?" If you left, and Handsome came after you, even after some time had passed then perhaps I would not have such a lack of security in my mind.  I could say hey self, HE came back to you.  He wanted this marriage to work.  You let him go and he came back, he must want your marriage and you !
But I do not have that.  We stayed together even during the time when we did not know if we were going to reconcile or not. I was crazy, and needed affirmation CONSTANTLY that he really wanted to be there. In hind site, I feel as if I harassed him into staying.  I made him painfully aware of what the outcome of him and I splitting like this would have.  His children wanted to punch him, his friends would disown him, his future grandchildren would never be close to him like they would me, because my relationship with the kids was still good.  I told him I would love him no matter what, that I would work as hard as he to fix this marriage.
I was desperate.
What I find now is that I would like a do over.  NOT to separate forever, but to have at least walked away and let him think about a life without me. I would have liked to have that security that he chased me back, he couldn't live without me blah blah blah.
But I will never know for sure, there will always be that seed of doubt.
I love Handsome with all my heart.  I believe he loves me as well, but given the chance, I would take a Mulligan.