Triggers

I wanted to address what people in the "affair" community call triggers.  They are awful terrible things.  They come at you from nowhere often times.  You could be in a wonderful, happy place in your recovery.  Things are going so well, that you don't think about the affair for days, or weeks on end.  Then, you hear a song that you heard on  the day your spouse told you about "it".  Or you take a ride past the place that your spouse and their friend went to, you found out after the fact.  Or your spouse says something that reminds you of that time.  These are triggers.  They start the onslaught of emotions you thought you had under control. Triggers are so very frustrating, and if you are not careful, they can set a reconciliation backwards.  I have had to get some of my triggers under control.  I cannot have them torturing me the rest of my life.  These triggers are dates that I MUST deal with, especially since one is my birthday.
You see, the fight that started the beginning of Handsome's "confession" to not loving me started on my birthday. I cannot give the whole story, but suffice it to say, that during our difficult time when we were deciding whether to reconcile or not, I found out that some of my birthday was spent giving "her" a ride on the back of the bike.
Yeah. Sucks bad right?  I mean if you are trying to reconcile right now, and have the raw emotions that come with the revelation of an emotional or physical affair then I am sure you understand how I felt when I found out about it.  Her, on the back of the bike. No sissy bar.  Hold on! Late for my birthday dinner. My birthday.
How, tell me, are you supposed to get rid of that trigger! My birthday, thankfully, comes every year~!
The first year, I said "take me away, anywhere" I was running away from my birthday.  No special dinner, no presents, don't even say happy birthday to me please. Let us all pretend it is just another day.  That actually worked, we had a great road trip, I forgot what day was what, and realized after the fact that my birthday had come and gone.  Handsome made a real effort to give me a memorable and fun trip.  He succeeded too, we had an amazing time, saw BEAUTIFUL scenery, and just enjoyed each others company.
So the next year we did the same thing, we ran away.  Same thing, no birthdays allowed here folks, move on move on.
Well, it is coming upon that lovely time of year again.  I have decided that I cannot run away from my birthday forever, my kids may actually want to see me on that weekend, as it is a holiday weekend.  So this year, we are staying home.  We will travel to visit a friend the day after my birthday.  I am trying now, to phsyc myself up for this.  You see, even if I can say, "we are happy, there is no threat to my marriage", when my day comes around, I inevitably go to that year, that day my life changed, and certain feelings return, angry, hurt, bitter.
I have to stop giving the triggers the power to steal my happiness. They are theives and I am tired of being robbed.  I am tired of being held hostage to a day, or a memory.  I am working towards overcoming this trigger this year.  I have over come many of them, and truly dear soul, it is hard, so very hard.  But you can do it.  It takes time, it takes you replacing the bad memory with a good one. I think time makes it easier, it seems that way, but I will let you know for sure when my birthday comes and goes.
Celebrate your recovery, try to take the power back from those terrible triggers.
Your future will be what you want it to be now, we no longer give the power of our happiness to another person.  We are strong. You are strong.
Peace and Blessings.