I wanted to address what people in the "affair" community call triggers. They are awful terrible things. They come at you from nowhere often times. You could be in a wonderful, happy place in your recovery. Things are going so well, that you don't think about the affair for days, or weeks on end. Then, you hear a song that you heard on the day your spouse told you about "it". Or you take a ride past the place that your spouse and their friend went to, you found out after the fact. Or your spouse says something that reminds you of that time. These are triggers. They start the onslaught of emotions you thought you had under control. Triggers are so very frustrating, and if you are not careful, they can set a reconciliation backwards. I have had to get some of my triggers under control. I cannot have them torturing me the rest of my life. These triggers are dates that I MUST deal with, especially since one is my birthday.
You see, the fight that started the beginning of Handsome's "confession" to not loving me started on my birthday. I cannot give the whole story, but suffice it to say, that during our difficult time when we were deciding whether to reconcile or not, I found out that some of my birthday was spent giving "her" a ride on the back of the bike.
Yeah. Sucks bad right? I mean if you are trying to reconcile right now, and have the raw emotions that come with the revelation of an emotional or physical affair then I am sure you understand how I felt when I found out about it. Her, on the back of the bike. No sissy bar. Hold on! Late for my birthday dinner. My birthday.
How, tell me, are you supposed to get rid of that trigger! My birthday, thankfully, comes every year~!
The first year, I said "take me away, anywhere" I was running away from my birthday. No special dinner, no presents, don't even say happy birthday to me please. Let us all pretend it is just another day. That actually worked, we had a great road trip, I forgot what day was what, and realized after the fact that my birthday had come and gone. Handsome made a real effort to give me a memorable and fun trip. He succeeded too, we had an amazing time, saw BEAUTIFUL scenery, and just enjoyed each others company.
So the next year we did the same thing, we ran away. Same thing, no birthdays allowed here folks, move on move on.
Well, it is coming upon that lovely time of year again. I have decided that I cannot run away from my birthday forever, my kids may actually want to see me on that weekend, as it is a holiday weekend. So this year, we are staying home. We will travel to visit a friend the day after my birthday. I am trying now, to phsyc myself up for this. You see, even if I can say, "we are happy, there is no threat to my marriage", when my day comes around, I inevitably go to that year, that day my life changed, and certain feelings return, angry, hurt, bitter.
I have to stop giving the triggers the power to steal my happiness. They are theives and I am tired of being robbed. I am tired of being held hostage to a day, or a memory. I am working towards overcoming this trigger this year. I have over come many of them, and truly dear soul, it is hard, so very hard. But you can do it. It takes time, it takes you replacing the bad memory with a good one. I think time makes it easier, it seems that way, but I will let you know for sure when my birthday comes and goes.
Celebrate your recovery, try to take the power back from those terrible triggers.
Your future will be what you want it to be now, we no longer give the power of our happiness to another person. We are strong. You are strong.
Peace and Blessings.
Thursday, May 29, 2014
Monday, May 26, 2014
Wednesday, May 21, 2014
can a longtime marriage survive an emotional affair?
YES! Sorry I don't mean to yell. But I want anyone who may find this to know that yes, you can survive it.
Your marriage will be be different than before, but it might be better. If you decide on reconciliation know that you can do it. Expect ups and downs. Don't expect it to be fast. There is a very good chance that your communication will be better than before. I will never ever say a spouse has a reason to look outside their marriage, but lack of communication is the number one reason listed for the causes of affairs.
So the very first thing, after deciding you want to save your marriage, is find a counselor,pastor or some professional that can help open the lines of communication. You may not need ongoing sessions, but please believe me, they help open the lines of communication. Handsome and I only went a few times, but it was enough to to teach us some skills that we desperately needed.
It also served a huge purpose, it showed Handsome that he could tell me his feelings and I would not be angry.
You see, he never said anything because he was afraid of my reaction. Fair or not, it was how he felt. I had to show him that he could tell me how he felt,and I would not get angry,but discuss the issue. And that took a professional being there to help make both of us feel safe.
So please, get help, even for one or two sessions.
I can honestly say now that handsome and I communicate better now than we ever did. We still are learning, every day.. but for some reason tonight I felt led to post this bit of hope for the one person who may not be sure you can survive an emotional affair, I am here to tell you YES YOU CAN.
Peace and blessings
Your marriage will be be different than before, but it might be better. If you decide on reconciliation know that you can do it. Expect ups and downs. Don't expect it to be fast. There is a very good chance that your communication will be better than before. I will never ever say a spouse has a reason to look outside their marriage, but lack of communication is the number one reason listed for the causes of affairs.
So the very first thing, after deciding you want to save your marriage, is find a counselor,pastor or some professional that can help open the lines of communication. You may not need ongoing sessions, but please believe me, they help open the lines of communication. Handsome and I only went a few times, but it was enough to to teach us some skills that we desperately needed.
It also served a huge purpose, it showed Handsome that he could tell me his feelings and I would not be angry.
You see, he never said anything because he was afraid of my reaction. Fair or not, it was how he felt. I had to show him that he could tell me how he felt,and I would not get angry,but discuss the issue. And that took a professional being there to help make both of us feel safe.
So please, get help, even for one or two sessions.
I can honestly say now that handsome and I communicate better now than we ever did. We still are learning, every day.. but for some reason tonight I felt led to post this bit of hope for the one person who may not be sure you can survive an emotional affair, I am here to tell you YES YOU CAN.
Peace and blessings
When being nice makes you a target
ARRRRGGGGG.
This rant is today brought to by the letters B*^&) and AS$%%&#
Ok, thats out of the way. Answer me this, why do I continue to do something that gets the same results every time, and why am I surprised?
I was just told by an in law that their son HATES me. Yeah. Along with another two in laws who are also hating on me.
Why you ask? Well because when my brother in law was almost killed by his wifes neglect ( he is young but has had debilitating strokes), I asked brother in law if he wanted to go back home to the wife who almost killed him or did he want our (handsome and I ) help to get out of the house, and get closer to where I live, so that we could help in his care.
So that was what was done. I take said brother in law to church every week, arranged for two Godly men to come and do a weekly visit with bible study, and I bring him home a couple days a month to hang out with his mother who LIVES WITH ME FOR 13 YEARS NOW. Absorb that one please.
He has two other sisters, one of whom lives two miles from the nursing home, they never call, never do anything. I had to text his wife and ask if she could maybe bring the kids out to visit him and maybe take him to dinner. They have not called or talked to him in MONTHS.
His mothers care is getting very very hard, she has fallen and we are looking into daytime arrangements for her, because she is falling, she just fell and her whole face is purple, she landed on her FACE people.
So in saying that, in the past two months, I have not had more than one full pay check due to having to take work off for my mother in law, for various reasons.
All that to set the stage for how hurt I was today by said brother in law.
He said he was sad on facebook, so I called the nursing home to ask what was wrong. When he came on the phone, after trying to decipher what is being said ( which nobody in his family does, they do not have the patience) , I realize he was saying (insert his sons name here) HATES YOU.
OK what? I wanted to make sure I heard him correctly, ask him to say it again, repeat it back and he says YES.
So why would you tell me that? Just to hurt me? The whole family points their fingers my way saying I am doing things wrong, but not one of them steps up to help me.
I know I should brush it off, but I cried. I don't do this stuff for the "gratitude" believe me if I did, it wouldn't be long before I quit. I do it for God alone. but I am human, and I was so hurt by that statement. He did not have to say it, there was no reason for it.
I tell myself, well then just let him be, alone there, and let the others care about him. But I know me, in two weeks God will poke and prod me, and I will do what is right instead of what makes me feel good or bad.
So today, I am going to visit him and this weekend I will pick him up.
All I need to remember is who and why I do it.
I want to hear "well done good and faithful servant" when I face God one day.
Off to the nursing home I go.
Peace and Blessings
This rant is today brought to by the letters B*^&) and AS$%%&#
Ok, thats out of the way. Answer me this, why do I continue to do something that gets the same results every time, and why am I surprised?
I was just told by an in law that their son HATES me. Yeah. Along with another two in laws who are also hating on me.
Why you ask? Well because when my brother in law was almost killed by his wifes neglect ( he is young but has had debilitating strokes), I asked brother in law if he wanted to go back home to the wife who almost killed him or did he want our (handsome and I ) help to get out of the house, and get closer to where I live, so that we could help in his care.
So that was what was done. I take said brother in law to church every week, arranged for two Godly men to come and do a weekly visit with bible study, and I bring him home a couple days a month to hang out with his mother who LIVES WITH ME FOR 13 YEARS NOW. Absorb that one please.
He has two other sisters, one of whom lives two miles from the nursing home, they never call, never do anything. I had to text his wife and ask if she could maybe bring the kids out to visit him and maybe take him to dinner. They have not called or talked to him in MONTHS.
His mothers care is getting very very hard, she has fallen and we are looking into daytime arrangements for her, because she is falling, she just fell and her whole face is purple, she landed on her FACE people.
So in saying that, in the past two months, I have not had more than one full pay check due to having to take work off for my mother in law, for various reasons.
All that to set the stage for how hurt I was today by said brother in law.
He said he was sad on facebook, so I called the nursing home to ask what was wrong. When he came on the phone, after trying to decipher what is being said ( which nobody in his family does, they do not have the patience) , I realize he was saying (insert his sons name here) HATES YOU.
OK what? I wanted to make sure I heard him correctly, ask him to say it again, repeat it back and he says YES.
So why would you tell me that? Just to hurt me? The whole family points their fingers my way saying I am doing things wrong, but not one of them steps up to help me.
I know I should brush it off, but I cried. I don't do this stuff for the "gratitude" believe me if I did, it wouldn't be long before I quit. I do it for God alone. but I am human, and I was so hurt by that statement. He did not have to say it, there was no reason for it.
I tell myself, well then just let him be, alone there, and let the others care about him. But I know me, in two weeks God will poke and prod me, and I will do what is right instead of what makes me feel good or bad.
So today, I am going to visit him and this weekend I will pick him up.
All I need to remember is who and why I do it.
I want to hear "well done good and faithful servant" when I face God one day.
Off to the nursing home I go.
Peace and Blessings
Tuesday, May 20, 2014
Do over!
When we were kids if we did not like the outcome of something, we would yell "do over"! If your friends were nice, they let you do whatever "it" was over.
Or say we are golfing, you make a TERRIBLE shot, you ask you friends if you can take a mulligan. That friends is a fancy golf term for do over lol. I know that I cannot be the only person who as an adult says "I wish I could have a do over in this or that situation."
When I reflect on how we handled our reconciliation from his affair, I think to myself, I wish I had a do over. One that would have made it easier for me to believe that he still did love me. Easier for me to believe that he did not reconcile out of guilt alone, or because the kids were furious, or because he saw the error of his ways.
One way that would have happened I believe is to have actually separated. Now at the time, if you had suggested that I would have railed against you, telling you that if I let him go, or I go, then it will just make it easier for him to leave our marriage. I would have freaked out and said that was giving in to her. There are numerous reasons I would have had for NOT separating.
But as the years go by, and as we navigate this thing that is our marriage, and try to make it out of the murky waters of an emotional affair, I find myself thinking, "self, what if you had left?" If you left, and Handsome came after you, even after some time had passed then perhaps I would not have such a lack of security in my mind. I could say hey self, HE came back to you. He wanted this marriage to work. You let him go and he came back, he must want your marriage and you !
But I do not have that. We stayed together even during the time when we did not know if we were going to reconcile or not. I was crazy, and needed affirmation CONSTANTLY that he really wanted to be there. In hind site, I feel as if I harassed him into staying. I made him painfully aware of what the outcome of him and I splitting like this would have. His children wanted to punch him, his friends would disown him, his future grandchildren would never be close to him like they would me, because my relationship with the kids was still good. I told him I would love him no matter what, that I would work as hard as he to fix this marriage.
I was desperate.
What I find now is that I would like a do over. NOT to separate forever, but to have at least walked away and let him think about a life without me. I would have liked to have that security that he chased me back, he couldn't live without me blah blah blah.
But I will never know for sure, there will always be that seed of doubt.
I love Handsome with all my heart. I believe he loves me as well, but given the chance, I would take a Mulligan.
Or say we are golfing, you make a TERRIBLE shot, you ask you friends if you can take a mulligan. That friends is a fancy golf term for do over lol. I know that I cannot be the only person who as an adult says "I wish I could have a do over in this or that situation."
When I reflect on how we handled our reconciliation from his affair, I think to myself, I wish I had a do over. One that would have made it easier for me to believe that he still did love me. Easier for me to believe that he did not reconcile out of guilt alone, or because the kids were furious, or because he saw the error of his ways.
One way that would have happened I believe is to have actually separated. Now at the time, if you had suggested that I would have railed against you, telling you that if I let him go, or I go, then it will just make it easier for him to leave our marriage. I would have freaked out and said that was giving in to her. There are numerous reasons I would have had for NOT separating.
But as the years go by, and as we navigate this thing that is our marriage, and try to make it out of the murky waters of an emotional affair, I find myself thinking, "self, what if you had left?" If you left, and Handsome came after you, even after some time had passed then perhaps I would not have such a lack of security in my mind. I could say hey self, HE came back to you. He wanted this marriage to work. You let him go and he came back, he must want your marriage and you !
But I do not have that. We stayed together even during the time when we did not know if we were going to reconcile or not. I was crazy, and needed affirmation CONSTANTLY that he really wanted to be there. In hind site, I feel as if I harassed him into staying. I made him painfully aware of what the outcome of him and I splitting like this would have. His children wanted to punch him, his friends would disown him, his future grandchildren would never be close to him like they would me, because my relationship with the kids was still good. I told him I would love him no matter what, that I would work as hard as he to fix this marriage.
I was desperate.
What I find now is that I would like a do over. NOT to separate forever, but to have at least walked away and let him think about a life without me. I would have liked to have that security that he chased me back, he couldn't live without me blah blah blah.
But I will never know for sure, there will always be that seed of doubt.
I love Handsome with all my heart. I believe he loves me as well, but given the chance, I would take a Mulligan.
Monday, May 19, 2014
On Self Esteem
Self Esteem is a funny thing. I think that most women, and probably men do not have a good self esteem. The problem stems from the fact that we get our self esteem from the affirmations of others. Oh so and so liked my outfit, or Mr X told me I did a great job at work, it is easy then to get a boost of self esteem. It also matters who gives us this "boost" of self esteem. Lets say it was a stranger that said, hey love your hair! You would smile, say thank you ( I hope!) and be on your way, you may feel like it made your day. But that person doesn't know you from Adam, their opinion, although nice, does not mean much to you as you will probably never see them again.
If that same compliment comes from your spouse, at least for me, I feel GREAT the rest of the day. My love "likes" this , or "noticed" that. Because Handsome is a man of few words, when that happens, I could float on air for days and days, my self esteem is raised up.
The conundrum with self esteem is we tend to look to others to help us with our self esteem. That is contrary to the word. The esteem should come from yourself, not from others. I know that you laugh, most of us, if left to our own devises, will not say how great we look, or how skinny, or how good our butt looks in those pants. On the contrary, we go to the opposite side of the track!
And guess what, I am so tired of it. I am tired of depending on others to make me feel good about me. I am tired of waiting for a husband to say something, when he is not programmed that way. All it does is disappoint me, and let my self esteem fall further.
Well world, I am done.
Guess what, I have great hair, I used to do hair, and I have a knockout color that I love.
I have a small waist. I like that. I need to celebrate that.
I have mercy. I need to appreciate it in myself.
I am a killer cook. (not so much a cleaner upper!)
I am a loyal friend.
I have pretty eyes.
Ok, so you get the idea. We all need to do an "esteem" check on ourselves once in awhile. We need to stop trying to fulfill ourselves with what others say, but need to say them to our self. Daily, hourly if needed.
Make it a practice to compliment yourself every single day. Lets work on bringing the "self" back to self esteem
Peace and Blessings
If that same compliment comes from your spouse, at least for me, I feel GREAT the rest of the day. My love "likes" this , or "noticed" that. Because Handsome is a man of few words, when that happens, I could float on air for days and days, my self esteem is raised up.
The conundrum with self esteem is we tend to look to others to help us with our self esteem. That is contrary to the word. The esteem should come from yourself, not from others. I know that you laugh, most of us, if left to our own devises, will not say how great we look, or how skinny, or how good our butt looks in those pants. On the contrary, we go to the opposite side of the track!
And guess what, I am so tired of it. I am tired of depending on others to make me feel good about me. I am tired of waiting for a husband to say something, when he is not programmed that way. All it does is disappoint me, and let my self esteem fall further.
Well world, I am done.
Guess what, I have great hair, I used to do hair, and I have a knockout color that I love.
I have a small waist. I like that. I need to celebrate that.
I have mercy. I need to appreciate it in myself.
I am a killer cook. (not so much a cleaner upper!)
I am a loyal friend.
I have pretty eyes.
Ok, so you get the idea. We all need to do an "esteem" check on ourselves once in awhile. We need to stop trying to fulfill ourselves with what others say, but need to say them to our self. Daily, hourly if needed.
Make it a practice to compliment yourself every single day. Lets work on bringing the "self" back to self esteem
Peace and Blessings
Wednesday, May 14, 2014
When something shakes up a marriage.....
It makes you question your ability to see truths, or more accurately lies. It makes you question your belief in what is true and what may have been false. These are all valid processes to recovering from an affair. The problem comes in when you have processed it all, and committed to your spouse to reconciling the marriage. Now this of course pertains to the betrayed spouse.
Once you decide that you are going to forgive, you will have to take the steps to fix your trust, you will have to take steps in rebuilding your faith in yourself and in your spouse. Let me say this, IT IS NOT EASY!
There is no magic answer of when you will be able to rebuild this, but to rebuild your marriage, and for the betrayed spouse to heal, you must decide to trust again.
I know its hard, I know many of you (or one of you lol) may say, well he broke me, he needs to fix me. I said that! With those same words. Handsome YOU BROKE ME you need to fix me. You need to give me back my trust. You need to give me back my faith in this marriage.
So I waited, and waited, and hurt and waited. I prayed, and waited some more.
Then my answer came one day. Handsome cannot make me trust him again! This is totally in my control, has no way of making me feel a certain way.
I am in charge of those feelings. If I am going to reconcile, I MUST trust. To not trust means that I am in turmoil every single day. I cannot live that way, the stress of it will kill me. Not to mention, I will find NO joy in my reconciliation if I walk in distrust every single day.
So I made the decision, when I started feeling distrustful, that was NOT on Handsome, it was becasue of my thought process. I control those thoughts, and as long as I control them, then the evil one cannot enter and turn my thoughts around
One of the things that held Handsome back from reconciling with him was the fact that he thought I would never be able to trust him again. I told him in the moment
"of course I can!" " I will do what is necessary for our marriage to succeed. Then I proceeded to mistrust him every day. Can I tell you, I suffered because of it. I had doubt every single day. Then time passed, and we started feeling better, more connected, and I realized that in order to truly heal, I had to trust. So I let go of the mistrust, and decided that I would trust every word out of his mouth. From where he was going, to the fact that he loved me, I had to start trusting THAT VERY DAY.
So I did. When he says "I love you too" I trust that he means it. When he says he is going racing I believe him. I do not let doubt creep in, and if it starts, I make a distinct effort to banish those thoughts. I do this because I control those thoughts.
I know it sounds easy, and maybe had someone said this to me too soon after DDay, I may have poo pooed them. But I want to give hope to any person who comes here looking for hope. Though do not think that it doesn't take a monumental effort on my part, it does. So often during the process I felt weak, but in deciding to take back my trust, I made myself strong again.
I hope and pray that if you ever find yourself in this spot that you will realize you are STRONG, and that you have the power to control the evil thoughts, as well as the good ones.
This is a terrible process to go thru, but I want to give hope to those who are. I am 4 years into my reconciliation, and although I am learning everyday, I feel so much more in control now than I did even year ago.
I wish you peace and blessings L
Once you decide that you are going to forgive, you will have to take the steps to fix your trust, you will have to take steps in rebuilding your faith in yourself and in your spouse. Let me say this, IT IS NOT EASY!
There is no magic answer of when you will be able to rebuild this, but to rebuild your marriage, and for the betrayed spouse to heal, you must decide to trust again.
I know its hard, I know many of you (or one of you lol) may say, well he broke me, he needs to fix me. I said that! With those same words. Handsome YOU BROKE ME you need to fix me. You need to give me back my trust. You need to give me back my faith in this marriage.
So I waited, and waited, and hurt and waited. I prayed, and waited some more.
Then my answer came one day. Handsome cannot make me trust him again! This is totally in my control, has no way of making me feel a certain way.
I am in charge of those feelings. If I am going to reconcile, I MUST trust. To not trust means that I am in turmoil every single day. I cannot live that way, the stress of it will kill me. Not to mention, I will find NO joy in my reconciliation if I walk in distrust every single day.
So I made the decision, when I started feeling distrustful, that was NOT on Handsome, it was becasue of my thought process. I control those thoughts, and as long as I control them, then the evil one cannot enter and turn my thoughts around
One of the things that held Handsome back from reconciling with him was the fact that he thought I would never be able to trust him again. I told him in the moment
"of course I can!" " I will do what is necessary for our marriage to succeed. Then I proceeded to mistrust him every day. Can I tell you, I suffered because of it. I had doubt every single day. Then time passed, and we started feeling better, more connected, and I realized that in order to truly heal, I had to trust. So I let go of the mistrust, and decided that I would trust every word out of his mouth. From where he was going, to the fact that he loved me, I had to start trusting THAT VERY DAY.
So I did. When he says "I love you too" I trust that he means it. When he says he is going racing I believe him. I do not let doubt creep in, and if it starts, I make a distinct effort to banish those thoughts. I do this because I control those thoughts.
I know it sounds easy, and maybe had someone said this to me too soon after DDay, I may have poo pooed them. But I want to give hope to any person who comes here looking for hope. Though do not think that it doesn't take a monumental effort on my part, it does. So often during the process I felt weak, but in deciding to take back my trust, I made myself strong again.
I hope and pray that if you ever find yourself in this spot that you will realize you are STRONG, and that you have the power to control the evil thoughts, as well as the good ones.
This is a terrible process to go thru, but I want to give hope to those who are. I am 4 years into my reconciliation, and although I am learning everyday, I feel so much more in control now than I did even year ago.
I wish you peace and blessings L
Tuesday, May 13, 2014
the impact of an affair, a story I read
I found a blog about in the blogosphere about infidelity written by the injured wife. The rage and almost insanity in her words hurts me to read. This blog "A Year After the Affair" does a bang up job of showing how this affects a person, how it makes them into something they werent before DDay.
But what hurts me is to read of her absolute insanity and the actions she took. They were out of control, harmful to her and her family. To say they were crazy would not be out of line. She knows it to, she realizes now how crazy she was. It took her a year though before she realized how out of control she was.
I know that the implications of an affair are long and wide reaching, and there is bitterness. But I thank God, after reading her anger and reading how she handled it, I am so thankful that I listened to the Lords leading in this situation. No matter what happens to me, I am still called to respond as a Christian. Does it mean I did not say hurtful mean things? No, I said them all right. Did it mean I was a doormat that just said, well I forgive you but you dont have to work at it.?
I screamed, I yelled, I cried, and I envisioned horrible things happening to the other woman. But I realized real quickly that if I wanted my marriage to last, i could not go crazy.
Had I gone crazy like this woman did, we would NOT have reconciled. My Handsome would have recoiled and said, no way do I want to be with this woman.
Heck I had to convince him that it was possible for me to forgive. According to him at our second counseling session, he wanted to reconcile but could not figure out how I could forgive. Once I convinced him that I forgive him, then we could do the work of reconciliation.
This woman was crazy for a year. I mean crazy, things she did hurt me to even read them. She was out of control. She had no one to help her see the error of her ways. I hope that God would have convicted me of the crazies fast. Actually I think He did that for me.
I just have to remember when I feel badly, that part of my healing has been I have an awsome God to lean on, and His word to look to for advice.
And if you are reading this, and think you will never make it out of this alive and sane, let me tell you , YOU WILL.
Give it time, and if you are reconciling, the quicker you forgive, and I mean REALLY forgive, you will be starting the path to healing yourself.
Listen to that inner voice, God reaches out to us with that voice.
There is always hope.
Peace and Blessings.
But what hurts me is to read of her absolute insanity and the actions she took. They were out of control, harmful to her and her family. To say they were crazy would not be out of line. She knows it to, she realizes now how crazy she was. It took her a year though before she realized how out of control she was.
I know that the implications of an affair are long and wide reaching, and there is bitterness. But I thank God, after reading her anger and reading how she handled it, I am so thankful that I listened to the Lords leading in this situation. No matter what happens to me, I am still called to respond as a Christian. Does it mean I did not say hurtful mean things? No, I said them all right. Did it mean I was a doormat that just said, well I forgive you but you dont have to work at it.?
I screamed, I yelled, I cried, and I envisioned horrible things happening to the other woman. But I realized real quickly that if I wanted my marriage to last, i could not go crazy.
Had I gone crazy like this woman did, we would NOT have reconciled. My Handsome would have recoiled and said, no way do I want to be with this woman.
Heck I had to convince him that it was possible for me to forgive. According to him at our second counseling session, he wanted to reconcile but could not figure out how I could forgive. Once I convinced him that I forgive him, then we could do the work of reconciliation.
This woman was crazy for a year. I mean crazy, things she did hurt me to even read them. She was out of control. She had no one to help her see the error of her ways. I hope that God would have convicted me of the crazies fast. Actually I think He did that for me.
I just have to remember when I feel badly, that part of my healing has been I have an awsome God to lean on, and His word to look to for advice.
And if you are reading this, and think you will never make it out of this alive and sane, let me tell you , YOU WILL.
Give it time, and if you are reconciling, the quicker you forgive, and I mean REALLY forgive, you will be starting the path to healing yourself.
Listen to that inner voice, God reaches out to us with that voice.
There is always hope.
Peace and Blessings.
Saturday, May 10, 2014
to all those mothers, and ones who are like a mother
Have a Happy and blessed mothers day.
Peace and blessings!
Peace and blessings!
Wednesday, May 7, 2014
what a break this has been
I have been enjoying my home. I have been enjoying my Handsome. My MIL has been in rehab now for almost a week and gone almost ten days. I feel terrible, but I do not miss her. Our lives feel so normal. I asked Handsome, "why is it so much more comfortable around here, it isnt like his mom is really in the way or even says much? "
Handsome replied, "because this is what a normal house feels like". He is right. I dont want to like this so much. I swore I would never put any of my family members in one, and I cant put her in one if I can help. But that was 13 years ago. I had small kids then, life was different. I did not have the opportunity to be alone in my house. Now I do, and I want it dang it!
I got the call, she is coming home monday. I want to be happy, I really do. It is the right thing to do. But I can see things I could not see before, and she makes Handsome and I hold back, in conversation, physical attention. All of it.
I want to do the right thing.
I just wish the right thing wasn't so hard.
Handsome replied, "because this is what a normal house feels like". He is right. I dont want to like this so much. I swore I would never put any of my family members in one, and I cant put her in one if I can help. But that was 13 years ago. I had small kids then, life was different. I did not have the opportunity to be alone in my house. Now I do, and I want it dang it!
I got the call, she is coming home monday. I want to be happy, I really do. It is the right thing to do. But I can see things I could not see before, and she makes Handsome and I hold back, in conversation, physical attention. All of it.
I want to do the right thing.
I just wish the right thing wasn't so hard.
Thursday, May 1, 2014
So how long does it take to recover from an Emotional Affair
This is a question I get asked sometimes. How long did it take you guys to recover from Handsome's EA? In the beginning it was easy to say we are in recovery every day. But after 3 years, I think people want to hear that its all better, that your marriage is strong, you have forgiven and forgotten, blah blah.
Guess what I have found out? Like alcoholics I truly think it is a battle you struggle with for the rest of your life. I do not think the wayward spouse thinks about it so much, at least after the initial impact on them is gone. But the person who was betrayed, they deal with it, at least in my case, at a much slower rate. Now again in my case, I HAD to forgive him, because there was no forward momentum until forgiveness happened. Then the second step comes into play, forgetting.
Here's the thing, you will never forget. I compare it to quitting smoking for me. For two months at least, every minute of every day I thought, "I want/need a smoke!". Then one day, I realized that a couple hours went past and I had not thought of wanting a smoke ONCE! Till that moment of course. Then after a year, it was less, I would still have my moments where I could just taste how good it would be after dinner (blech).
Now it is 14 years since I quit, and very seldom do I think about cigarettes in a longing way. Yet every now and again I think, boy an after dinner smoke would be soooo nice. Now it is very seldom, but it does come up, and when it does I have to deal with it.
I think an EA is the same. I went at least a year to a year and a half where every minute of every day my mind spun with the things Handsome said to me, and the things my imagination made come alive. I would dream it if I did not think about it. It came out and I had to deal with it, minute by minute. Then hour by hour. Then day by day. The same way I had to deal with the quitting of smoking. There are days and days, or weeks, or months when I don't ever think about it.
Then BAM, some stupid thing brings up something that was said or done, ( that is called a trigger by the way), and I feel myself getting emotional about our marriage, or I notice one thing maybe he did, and compare it to something he said back then, and if I am not very careful, and go to God, then the thoughts get bigger and I get more insecure by the minute.
It will be four years since DDay and although I can say with confidence I have forgiven, Forgetting is a slow and long road.
One day I will reach the end of that road I am sure. I do know that the destination is worth every bruise to get there.
Peace and Blessing
Guess what I have found out? Like alcoholics I truly think it is a battle you struggle with for the rest of your life. I do not think the wayward spouse thinks about it so much, at least after the initial impact on them is gone. But the person who was betrayed, they deal with it, at least in my case, at a much slower rate. Now again in my case, I HAD to forgive him, because there was no forward momentum until forgiveness happened. Then the second step comes into play, forgetting.
Here's the thing, you will never forget. I compare it to quitting smoking for me. For two months at least, every minute of every day I thought, "I want/need a smoke!". Then one day, I realized that a couple hours went past and I had not thought of wanting a smoke ONCE! Till that moment of course. Then after a year, it was less, I would still have my moments where I could just taste how good it would be after dinner (blech).
Now it is 14 years since I quit, and very seldom do I think about cigarettes in a longing way. Yet every now and again I think, boy an after dinner smoke would be soooo nice. Now it is very seldom, but it does come up, and when it does I have to deal with it.
I think an EA is the same. I went at least a year to a year and a half where every minute of every day my mind spun with the things Handsome said to me, and the things my imagination made come alive. I would dream it if I did not think about it. It came out and I had to deal with it, minute by minute. Then hour by hour. Then day by day. The same way I had to deal with the quitting of smoking. There are days and days, or weeks, or months when I don't ever think about it.
Then BAM, some stupid thing brings up something that was said or done, ( that is called a trigger by the way), and I feel myself getting emotional about our marriage, or I notice one thing maybe he did, and compare it to something he said back then, and if I am not very careful, and go to God, then the thoughts get bigger and I get more insecure by the minute.
It will be four years since DDay and although I can say with confidence I have forgiven, Forgetting is a slow and long road.
One day I will reach the end of that road I am sure. I do know that the destination is worth every bruise to get there.
Peace and Blessing
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