Sorry, to my non existent reader!(s) I got a little let down that maybe not one person is looking at this. I then thought maybe I should try another direction. But I realized this morning on my way to work, that this is about honesty to myself. this began as a way for me to purge the things that are on my chest. To get out my frustrations, to work thru the conflict in my marriage. In a way this was to be an online journal of how I am navigating my 30 year marriage.
I wanted to give a background to my story today, but realizing that thirty years of background may bore the death out of any readers that find me.
But the truth is this, the reason that I need this place is that he has never done what needed to be done to shore up our marriage after his affair. Yes affair, again.
Shoot, I trusted him so much after all that time, that when I found out that he wanted to leave me, I had never seen it coming. I trusted him so much, that the thought NEVER crossed my mind that he would do it AGAIN! Especially as close as he is to the kids, he had to know the kids would not want anything to do with him. My kids held up our marriage as an example of what they wanted in a marriage~! hoo hoo boy howdy did he screw up.
But the worst part about this last affair (will be four years ago this July), was not that there was another woman, but that he said some truly hurtful things to me. He has since apoligized, which ok thank you for that. BUT he has never replaced the hurtful words with words of love. What I mean is this
He told me he never loved me, but that he was just waiting until the kids got old enough to accept it.
He told me that my whole past was a lie, and that he did not desire me, or look at me in the way a wife wants to be looked at.
He said so many things that shook me to my core, because I NEVER saw it coming. I remember, he said to me, "couldnt you tell I was miserable"? NO!!!!! I couldnt see it, I didnt see it.
Ok, so that little tid bit of my past is to set up what happened this weekend, and what is the basis for my post title.
My love languages are physical touch, and words of affirmation. so are his, which I found hard to believe at first lol. But anyway, I try all the time to give him those words that afirm him, and I touch him at least twice every day.....
So you would think that would satisfy at least my physical touch need. But here is the thing, when I hug him, I am takingmy love from him, he is not giving it to me. Just like our intimate life, He never says NO, but if he doesnt initiate, is it just disinterest? Or what. and the OR WHAT is what drives me nuts. completely out of my mind.
Yesterday, I poured out my heart to Handsome, crying showing how hurt and broken I was feeling about a certain situation. I got a mild hug to make me feel better, no more than you would give a friend. About thirty minutes later, still feeling crappy and somewhat weepy, I went to him, wanting him to hold and hug me, and tell me he loved me, things I would just naturally do if I saw someone I LOVED in pain.
He put his hands on my shoulders and said "what?"
WHAT?~!! what on earth do you mean WHAT?
Here is longtime wife, standing here CRYING, in obvious pain and you ask what ?
Why does he not see it? What do I do that I havent done? I have spoken these same words to him. Told him of my needs, spelled it out in the easiest man language, used word pictures for crying out loud. But still he does not get it.
Later in the day, he said to me (after I had pulled away emotionally, not cool I know, but I was crushed)
" I am not mad at you, so you shouldnt be mad at me" blink: blink:...head shakes blink blink
Wait a minute handsome, I am not mad either! But I didnt say that, I didnt say anything, because I was flabbergasted about what he said.
Because there was a family member at the house, and it was an important day in our household, I opted to not say anything about it. But in my prayer time this morning, God poked me and said, you need to again tell him, because he does not get it. So I sent him an email, and I told him, that it seems he equates any emotion that is not happy as anger. And that at no point in the day was I angry.. I WAS sad, incredibly sad. The difference is huge!!! But he only sees this stuff as anger, which shuts him down.
But does it count if I ALWAYS have to tell him that he is hurting me. I dont think so. Again in my talk with God, he told me that I need to stop putting my expectations on someone else, that I need to find my worth in Him alone. And boy do I strive to do that. But I still know that my husband broke me with his last affair, and he is the glue I need to put me back together stronger than before. But he has not applied any glue to me, he picks me up, puts the pieces together, then lets go before he glues them. Then I fall apart again.
One " I love you" with out me having to say it first, one hug that I did not initiate.
One time tell me that you cant wait till we go to bed tonight.
One time..................
I adore and love this man,what do I do to lower my expectations?
Struggle on, look to the Lord to fill the deep hole that is my love bank.
Peace dear reader(s)
I wanted to give a background to my story today, but realizing that thirty years of background may bore the death out of any readers that find me.
But the truth is this, the reason that I need this place is that he has never done what needed to be done to shore up our marriage after his affair. Yes affair, again.
Shoot, I trusted him so much after all that time, that when I found out that he wanted to leave me, I had never seen it coming. I trusted him so much, that the thought NEVER crossed my mind that he would do it AGAIN! Especially as close as he is to the kids, he had to know the kids would not want anything to do with him. My kids held up our marriage as an example of what they wanted in a marriage~! hoo hoo boy howdy did he screw up.
But the worst part about this last affair (will be four years ago this July), was not that there was another woman, but that he said some truly hurtful things to me. He has since apoligized, which ok thank you for that. BUT he has never replaced the hurtful words with words of love. What I mean is this
He told me he never loved me, but that he was just waiting until the kids got old enough to accept it.
He told me that my whole past was a lie, and that he did not desire me, or look at me in the way a wife wants to be looked at.
He said so many things that shook me to my core, because I NEVER saw it coming. I remember, he said to me, "couldnt you tell I was miserable"? NO!!!!! I couldnt see it, I didnt see it.
Ok, so that little tid bit of my past is to set up what happened this weekend, and what is the basis for my post title.
My love languages are physical touch, and words of affirmation. so are his, which I found hard to believe at first lol. But anyway, I try all the time to give him those words that afirm him, and I touch him at least twice every day.....
So you would think that would satisfy at least my physical touch need. But here is the thing, when I hug him, I am takingmy love from him, he is not giving it to me. Just like our intimate life, He never says NO, but if he doesnt initiate, is it just disinterest? Or what. and the OR WHAT is what drives me nuts. completely out of my mind.
Yesterday, I poured out my heart to Handsome, crying showing how hurt and broken I was feeling about a certain situation. I got a mild hug to make me feel better, no more than you would give a friend. About thirty minutes later, still feeling crappy and somewhat weepy, I went to him, wanting him to hold and hug me, and tell me he loved me, things I would just naturally do if I saw someone I LOVED in pain.
He put his hands on my shoulders and said "what?"
WHAT?~!! what on earth do you mean WHAT?
Here is longtime wife, standing here CRYING, in obvious pain and you ask what ?
Why does he not see it? What do I do that I havent done? I have spoken these same words to him. Told him of my needs, spelled it out in the easiest man language, used word pictures for crying out loud. But still he does not get it.
Later in the day, he said to me (after I had pulled away emotionally, not cool I know, but I was crushed)
" I am not mad at you, so you shouldnt be mad at me" blink: blink:...head shakes blink blink
Wait a minute handsome, I am not mad either! But I didnt say that, I didnt say anything, because I was flabbergasted about what he said.
Because there was a family member at the house, and it was an important day in our household, I opted to not say anything about it. But in my prayer time this morning, God poked me and said, you need to again tell him, because he does not get it. So I sent him an email, and I told him, that it seems he equates any emotion that is not happy as anger. And that at no point in the day was I angry.. I WAS sad, incredibly sad. The difference is huge!!! But he only sees this stuff as anger, which shuts him down.
But does it count if I ALWAYS have to tell him that he is hurting me. I dont think so. Again in my talk with God, he told me that I need to stop putting my expectations on someone else, that I need to find my worth in Him alone. And boy do I strive to do that. But I still know that my husband broke me with his last affair, and he is the glue I need to put me back together stronger than before. But he has not applied any glue to me, he picks me up, puts the pieces together, then lets go before he glues them. Then I fall apart again.
One " I love you" with out me having to say it first, one hug that I did not initiate.
One time tell me that you cant wait till we go to bed tonight.
One time..................
I adore and love this man,what do I do to lower my expectations?
Struggle on, look to the Lord to fill the deep hole that is my love bank.
Peace dear reader(s)
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