I have a lovely family.

I realized in reading the title of this blog that I wanted to talk about many things in life that go along with a longtime marriage.  I have been so incredibly blessed in my life.  I have had struggles, a few of which I have started talking about here.  Along with those struggles though, I have had amazing blessings in my life.
My family, the blessing they have given me.  The smiles, the grief, the trials of raising kids.  All of it was a blessing to me.  I have two wonderful children and two of the most beautiful grandbabies in the world. ( of course they are to me!)
The joy I get from seeing my oldest become a parent is incomprehensible to me, this child who challenged me every day from the moment of their birth has become the most wonderful parent imaginable. I am learning from this child.  They have shown me where I failed in parenthood.  They have such patience and such a joy in parenting that I am not sure I had.  My early life was hard, we were very poor, and I think we just worried about feeding and clothing our new family, that I think I missed out on that time with my babies.  I let the pressures of every day consume me with worry, and because of that worry, I focused on working and trying to make our way up in the world.  I was not a bad parent, if you ask my children they will say I was a good mother. But when I look at my child and their spouse, taking the time to play with their children, taking time to enjoy them, and not worrying about the mess in the house or the chores that need done, I am blessed.
I realize in that moment that they took all the good things I taught, and they learned them, PLUS more!
It gives me a peace knowing that this child is going to be all right, raise a great family and pass on the values that we believe.  The first thing, most important thing, is family is always first.  They got that already! I see it every day.

My dear second child came into the world in a very rough way.  I had to be in bed with that child the whole pregnancy.  When second was born, it was an emergency, I lost about half my blood supply with a placenta previa , and second did as well.  It was touch and go for a while, but in the end, second came home after almost a month.  Second is my sensitive child, my overthinker, the one who DESPISES making a decision, because OMG what if it is the WRONG one!  I wish I could help with that trait, because it holds one back in life.  It is holding second back in life.  But handsome wants me to back off some, and pretty much let second be for a while to catch their breath.  Our families gave us the big boot when we graduated high school, it was go to college or get out in six months.  So Handsome and I got out. ( did I mention ever we are high school sweethearts?) We chose a hard road to hoe, but we grew some amazing crops out of this hard row! We decided early on, that although we love our parents dearly, that this was not something we were going to do to our children.  I mean if they get to be thirty then we talk, but we were going to try to support them until they felt safe to leave the nest.  I do not believe my second bird is ready to fly quite yet. I am not ready yet to push #2 out of the nest.  I am respecting my husbands decision in this matter.

I also am mother to three fur kids as well.  They bring me joy everyday.  Dogs bring total and unconditional love, they love in the way I believe God loves us. We may disappoint them, or leave them, or even yell and scream at them (not my babies!), and at the end of it all, they forgive us, and show us an unconditional love that I think no human can give.  I think only God can display an unconditional love like that.  My dogs bring me that joy at the end of the day, the love, the warm hello, the snuggle goodnight.

So dear reader or two :) this is the very basics of my family.  I have so many stories to tell that include these wonderful people. The most amazing thing about these two children, they have been taught that we have the power to forgive, and if we can give forgiveness we should.  My two lovely children were witness to the disaster that was Handsome's mid life crisis. He said some very hard things to them when he was in the fog of his affair. But these lovely children that God blessed me with, they forgave, unconditionally. I think they forgave much easier than I did!
In that moment, I knew that I had succeeded in raising good children.  I was proud of them.
I am proud of them every moment of every day!
Until next time dear reader or two!
Peace to you.

A long weekend

Hello there!
This weekend was a long one, but a good one.  I still have not talked to Handsome about church.  I am not sure how or when to bring it up, but I have to.  I cannot, nor will I tell him he needs to come.  The only one that can do that is God.  But I can get to the bottom of why he is doing this.

I hate the fear that comes with the prospect of him answering me in a way that I will not be happy with, and honestly, I am not going to be happy with any answer.  But the fear comes in because the last time he stopped coming to church, he could not face God in his sin. (the EA emotional affair) He was ashamed of showing his face to people who loved the Lord. My worry stems from that time, I wonder why is he withdrawing?  I did not see the signs the last time, so now I am hypersensitive to any change, and I try to see things I may have missed.  I have looked so hard at this, my head hurts.  I see no evidence of anything going on.  I am insecure, but that is my new normal I think. So what I need to do is talk.  Just ask him. What I need to try to make him see is that by staying away, more people question and ask "where is Handsome"?
How do I answer? I cant lie, but it is hard to say, oh he thinks people here do not like him anymore. So I just come in and hope for the best.

As for the crazy insecurities, I know that the enemy plants these ugly thoughts in my head, but I hear them none the less. I pray for the steps to be taken that will help me to feel less insecure, but they do not happen. But then I remember, nothing in Gods plan is in my time, but His. So I wait.  I wait for Handsome to be convicted of the fact that he holds the keys to my security or insecurity.  I once told him that he broke me, it is up to him to help glue the pieces back together.  I thought that word picture would make an impact.  But it didn't not really. He says he feels funny or self conscious. I do not understand that.  I can tell him all day long nice things, what on earth would make me self conscious?  Then this is where my mind takes a turn.  Well you would be self conscious or feel funny if what you were saying is a lie?  This is my thought process ever since then.  How do I get rid of that?  How do I get him to realize the importance of this to me. Ultimately, the hard truth is, I need him to be less selfish.  I never thought I would say that about him, as he is a warm giving man.  But in this situation, for whatever reason, he does not feel strongly enough to do what is needed.  So I wait.  I wait because God's timing is not my own.  I know God is listening, and I know that He wants our marriage to thrive, because if it doesnt, it means the evil one is winning, and that is not allowed to happen........
Peace dear reader..

It sure did help him

Last night, when Handsome got home, it was late as he has a function every Wednesday.  But he came home smiling and had a way more positive attitude. He didn't make it thru the day without mistake, it was one little one, but he did not let that one mistake take him down the " I am just a screw up" path.  He stayed positive, brushed it off, and moved forward.  This is HUGE, and I am very proud of him.  I am equally happy with myself, and my change of attitude.  God changed my attitude, and for that I am very thankful. There are seasons in every marriage, and for this season, my Handsome Hubs needs me.  He needs me to be his soft place.
For now, I will be that safe place.  My time will come someday.

Do you practice giving grace?

My last post had to do with Grace.  How I decided I needed to give Grace to Handsome, even though he did not stick to our deal.  Even though my love bank is not getting filled, his bank is overdrawn right now, and I know that, and I have the power to help him thru this.

So what did I do last night?  I talked to him. I asked what the problem at work was.  I tried to get to the root of the issue. And we talked about it!  I gave him some advice, to approach his situation from the positive side ( I can do this, and it will help this) rather that the negative side ( I guess I am just  a f%^$ up).
Today when I text him to see how his day was starting he said it was going better.  I could here the soft smile coming across.  I told him yay! I affirmed him, told him he is so good at his job, that he just needs to focus on the positive, slow down, quit letting another persons attitude affect his job.
I also am praying for him.  Off and on when I think about it, I just quickly ask God to please bless him with the right answers all day.  That he makes no mistakes that could be prevented. That he remembers to double check his work. That Handsome is indeed a good man in this proffession, and he does know his job.
I know that yesterday, when I text him, I told him to remember he always has a soft place to land at home.  That we should be his refuge from the storm.  I think he truly believed it yesterday.  That was worth everything to me.

I will give one day of Grace

ARGGGGG!!!!
Well Handsome is having a terrible time at work.  I know that when work is bad, it is no time to force any issue with Handsome.  So the fact that I got no words of affirmation from him yesterday should not surprise me. But I guess in a way I should have confronted him yesterday about it, but I am going to give him today and see if he says anything today.

My heartfelt prayer is that he does, my head and common sense tell me, probably not as he is having another terrible day at work. So I think I will give Grace, because I still am his "soft landing" his "comfort", and if I become another "stress-er" then we will grow ever more apart.  But if I can show Grace to him, show that in his times of trouble, he can land here with me, have a shoulder to lean on, an ear that hears him, and a heart that feels the pain he is feeling. But if I confront him, tell him that he isn't doing this or that, do you think he will think of me as a soft place, or will he think of me as another one of his problems.  I am desperate for him not to see me that way.  He did see me that way when we had our troubles, and as a result he went and found a soft place to land, and it was not me.  I will never allow that to happen again, at least as much as it is my responsibility. I will never take the blame for his indiscretions, but I also know that I contributed to him  being easily lead astray, as I was not what he needed in a wife.  Oh I cooked, cleaned, took care of all of his needs. But I was neglecting his heart.  I was not seeing that he was withdrawing from me. I was focused all on me, and not on how he was feeling.
So today I extend Grace, and pray for better days.  I also pray that he will feel like he can rest his head on my shoulder, cry out his frustrations, and be comforted by the loving arms of his wife.

I am trying something new with Handsome

Hello world!  Well I did it this weekend.  I spoke to an issue that has been causing me such pain.  I finally decided that there had to be a way to accomplish what I need as far as my love language's are concerned.  I am a words of affirmation person, as well as physical touch.  These are my primary love languages.  Handsome has the same two as well.  Ever since I read about the five love languages, and took the test (which  I want to encourage every single person that may be reading to take the test online.  It will help you understand yourself and your spouse so much better. It will also give you the the tools to make your marriage even closer.)

So anyway, for my love bank to be filled, I need words of affirmation- "you look nice", " I like your hair" "boy that shirt is pretty"  "you did a great job on ( fill in blank)" For me to feel loved I need this daily, I crave those "atta boys" more than someone who has a different language.  And if I do not get them, I tend to take them.  In other words, if I haven't gotten my fill of WOA ( words of affirmation), I will go to Handsome and say "so do you like my outfit?"  or "I worked really hard on the yard, do you like it?"  or "man it took me most of the afternoon to make that bread or whatever", so that then Handsome has no way out of giving me those words I crave.  He has to respond, or look like a schmuck.

The same goes for my other love language, physical touch.  That one may be even more needed for me to feel loved. I was so blown away when he took the test, and he was also a physical touch person.  The reason for my disbelief is he very seldom shows affection.  So what do I do? How do I respond?  Again, I take my affection from him.  I go to him, kiss him, hug him, rub his back, physically show my love.  Then he has to hug back or kiss back.

But people, that is NOT the way our love banks get filled.  Oh we may steal some of the "goods" ( love touch ect)  But that feels like stealing after awhile, it feels like it was not given, but taken, and that is un- fulfilling to say the least.
So this is what I did yesterday. I think I read somewhere that it takes six weeks to make something become a habit.  So I asked Handsome if once a day, every day, we exchange words of affirmation with each other, and if you cannot think of something, an unsolicited " I love you" will suffice ( unless that is all that you say ever).  And I will do the same thing for you everyday for six weeks.  BUT I told him, if I have to remind him, it is the same as taking my love, not being given.

So, this is my first exercise in reclaiming the full measure of love that exists between us.

I do love you.....

I do love you.  I feel so light when Handsome says this to me. I wish he would say it everyday, without me saying it first.  I just don't think he is wired for it. How could you be wired for it if you never heard it spontaneously himself.  And he never did.  That is heartbreaking to me.  I have sons, I tell them I love them every day if I see or talk to them.  I tell my grandbabies I love them, from their very first day on earth.  I whisper it in their ear for just them to hear it, they will hopefully always equate my voice with the voice of love, even long after I am gone.

So please, raise you children telling them daily that you love them.  Teach them to say it with out embarrassment, teach them to tell people that without abandon, not to feel "funny" about saying that to the people you love.  It will be one of the biggest gifts will give to your child s future spouse. It will ensure that he/she is able to say it to the one they love , anytime and any place.  If you do that your future daughter or son in law will thank you. That and teach them to wash their own clothes lol.

Respect, love.  Men need respect, women need love.  Those two things are key to a successful marriage.

I feel better about my decision

My last post was about decisions, and me making an important one.  I decided to not say one more word about him going to church with me.  He knew I was upset, and I could have kept acting as if I was upset, but that would accomplish nothing at all.  So I will wait.

I can tell he is more comfortable knowing I am not "mad" at him.  Just sad.  One thing that Handsome does is confuse sadness with anger.  Any emotion other than happy, is mad or anger in his eyes.  He comes from such a messed up family, that had no clue how to love. It breaks my heart to think of his early years, in a cold family with an abusive father. It is what has caused him to be so unable to communicate, his family NEVER communicated.  I could not believe my ears when he told me he NEVER remembers anyone in his family saying "I love you" to him, or anyone else.  I tell my loved ones every day I love them, that is the family I grew up in. He thanks me for teaching him that expressing love is ok.  but he is never going to be completely comfortable with it.  I still feel like I am pulling teeth to get him to show his affection, to be vocal about it.

So I wait, and I pray, and I am as loving as I can be.

I made a decision.

I decided after my last post concerning my husband not wanting to attend church anymore with me, that I would not mention it again to him.  I will continue to go, I will continue to pick up the person we pledged to pick up for church.  I will wait for the Holy Spirit to convict him again.

But I am also human, and I guess very selfish, and I do tend to not like people "talking" about me.  Because I work at this large church, I know very many people.  As does Handsome.  When we had our problem, he stopped attending church, because he felt shame being in the presence of God and Godly people.  Now remember, I never told anyone, except my boss, my prayer partner, and my accountability partner.  I had to tell my boss, as I was an emotional wreck, and they could all see it.  These three people, I trust implicitly.  If any people were talking it was because they kept asking me "where is Handsome?".  I just kept saying oh he is at a swap meet, or went this place or that.

Then one day I asked him if he wanted to go, and he said yes.  But I could tell that he was uncomfortable.  I believe he never really wanted to come back, but he did it for me.  What I think is that he never really got right with God.

I will not bother him to go, but I wish he understood that his absence is always missed by other people.  So many people come up to me, "hey where is Handsome?"  And then, what do I say. Oh he thinks people that used to like him don't anymore, or do I lie and say he has "so and so going on".
I do not want to lie about it, but I know how it was before, and I know how it will be now.  People have good intentions, but do not always use them.  

I am a control freak, and I do realize this, but I am going to let this one go.  I want so badly to have the best marriage possible in my later years.  I want us to grow and learn and to feel free and confident in each other.

I want this to be wonderful!

Wow, didn't see that coming.

I am a Christian.  My husband is as well, although he made his choice later than I. When he made that choice, I was elated.  One, because he would join me and my kids in heaven, and two, on a purely selfish note, because finally people would stop asking if my husband comes with me.  He got involved, and was reading his bible, he was feeling the difference in his life.

Today, I get a text, I don't want to attend church anymore.  I feel uncomfortable, people who used to talk to me don't anymore.  What is funny is he is talking about since we had our recent troubles, and he became emotionally involved with someone else. He feels that everyone was angry with him, but only a very few people knew our issues.  and the ones who do, still welcome him with open arms.

No, as I told him, his affair has taken so many things away from me, my security, my trust, how I view myself.  And now, because he is still living in shame from his actions, I am loosing my partner in fellowship with God.

Yet, I wonder with this newest twist, is he really where he wants to be? Is his dissatisfaction come from living a lie.  I still to this day, realize I made a big mistake by not letting  him go.  He may have come back, he may not have, but I would know for sure where his heart is. After almost four years, I still have no clue if he is here from obligation to me and our family, or because he truly does love me.

I guess it is time for a talk again, see if I can gauge where he is coming from. I so wish I did not have to do these "state of the union" talks. If I was not so incredibly insecure, we would not have to have outright confrontations on the state of our marriage. But this is my reality, and until something snaps in my head, or he completely changes, this is my marriage. There may be one or two days that go by where I will not feel the insecurity that is my life for the past four years, and on those days, when I realize I went to bed not thinking does he or doesn't he, I reflect on what once was.  And on those days, I think optimistically, we are ok, Handsome does love me.  But after four years I do not have as many of those days as I do thinking I should have left him go.
Those days make me so sad. I never wondered what it would be like to be loved in a certain way, because I always thought I was. Now each day is a toss up, will I have awful insecurities today, or will I feel the love?

What do I do?