Wow, didn't see that coming.

I am a Christian.  My husband is as well, although he made his choice later than I. When he made that choice, I was elated.  One, because he would join me and my kids in heaven, and two, on a purely selfish note, because finally people would stop asking if my husband comes with me.  He got involved, and was reading his bible, he was feeling the difference in his life.

Today, I get a text, I don't want to attend church anymore.  I feel uncomfortable, people who used to talk to me don't anymore.  What is funny is he is talking about since we had our recent troubles, and he became emotionally involved with someone else. He feels that everyone was angry with him, but only a very few people knew our issues.  and the ones who do, still welcome him with open arms.

No, as I told him, his affair has taken so many things away from me, my security, my trust, how I view myself.  And now, because he is still living in shame from his actions, I am loosing my partner in fellowship with God.

Yet, I wonder with this newest twist, is he really where he wants to be? Is his dissatisfaction come from living a lie.  I still to this day, realize I made a big mistake by not letting  him go.  He may have come back, he may not have, but I would know for sure where his heart is. After almost four years, I still have no clue if he is here from obligation to me and our family, or because he truly does love me.

I guess it is time for a talk again, see if I can gauge where he is coming from. I so wish I did not have to do these "state of the union" talks. If I was not so incredibly insecure, we would not have to have outright confrontations on the state of our marriage. But this is my reality, and until something snaps in my head, or he completely changes, this is my marriage. There may be one or two days that go by where I will not feel the insecurity that is my life for the past four years, and on those days, when I realize I went to bed not thinking does he or doesn't he, I reflect on what once was.  And on those days, I think optimistically, we are ok, Handsome does love me.  But after four years I do not have as many of those days as I do thinking I should have left him go.
Those days make me so sad. I never wondered what it would be like to be loved in a certain way, because I always thought I was. Now each day is a toss up, will I have awful insecurities today, or will I feel the love?

What do I do?