On blogging, and wondering if I give the wrong impression

I started doing this blogging thing when I started reading and discovering blogs.  I learned from people.  I found commonalities with others.  I found friends that if I saw on the street I may not know, but those same people would help you if they knew you needed it, and they could provide the help.  It is an amazing thing this blogging community, I found myself drawn into a few very specific blogs, people who I learned to admire for their faith, or their knowledge, or perhaps a shared event in their life.
That last reason is the reason I started my blog. Well one of the reasons.  The other reason was I process things better in writing sometimes.  Sometimes it gives me a way to look at my emotions or problems with a third eye, better able to be objective. But I did not start it with the intention of anyone reading it, and especially not anyone who I like or love.  Someone I may meet in the future.
So I try to stay somewhat anonymous, although I know I am not doing it that well, lol, I am not sure how to!

So I blog to spew out my feelings, to process them, and maybe to connect with someone who is dealing with the same issues, or has wisdom to share. I also hope that in my triumph over some of the trials of life, that I have knowledge to share with others.

I worry that anyone who reads this will think so horribly of Handsome, that they cannot look past his past, but only see my issues, my complaints, I don't want that to happen.  Because in reality, Handsome and I DID triumph, we DID honor our vows, I DID forgive him, just as Christ forgave me, although I did put conditions on it that Christ doesn't, I had to be smart as well as forgiving. I want for marriages to survive and thrive.  I want MY marriage to survive and thrive!  I vent, if I don't vent, I get angry.  I realize after much thinking and praying that is if I get angry,  the evil one gets in my head and just BUILDS on that anger, until I am wrapped up in wanting something different that what God has BLESSED me with.

You see, Handsome had the classic mid life crisis.  It is honestly so rampant in men of a certain age, that in reading about it, blogs, articles, anything I could get my hands on, I saw so many stories that ended so terribly for the family of the man who went off the rails. I want to be different, set apart.  I try to honor God, and I truly believe that in Honoring Him, He will bless me.
Do I complain, yes I do. Do I bring up how hard my insecurities are? I do.  But they are my insecurities to deal with. I want anyone who comes here though, that may have, or is going thru a hard time within their marriage to have hope.  I had hope, I had faith, I was on my knees, and God convicted Handsome and renewed our relationship in amazing ways.

Did he change, yes, he did.  Did I change, boy you betcha! Do I have more lessons to learn?  Always.  I do speak to Handsome, and try to get him to help me deal with my insecurities, but the honest truth is, Handsome was raised in such a dysfunctional, terrible family, that he never learned what the display of love was.  He is actually more demonstrative now than in our youth.  I have many many  things that I hold anger about concerning my husbands story of his raising, but it is not my story to tell.  Just know that he was not equipped with love, not shown love, and was never sure of being loved.  So this is my quest if you will, to process my feelings, to help others, to keep forgiving, and to keep looking for ways to help stretch Handsome.
He loves me truly he does. But all longtime marriages struggle at one point or another.  This is my attempt at dealing with those struggles.  Also to show that you CAN triumph over and emotional affair.  Love can win.
I won.
Peace and Blessings

a kiss is just a kiss

So the last time I was here, I wanted to try an experiment. How long would it take for Handsome to give me a kiss, instead of me giving the kiss.
I failed.
I will always fail.
I am a physical touch person.  It drives me, my soul needs it.  So I am a failure,.  But I like to think I also won something.  Huh? Say again sister.  I had to remember that when I start feeling insecure in my husband's love for me that that comes from the evil one.  The one who wants to see my m marriage fail, not succeed.  I worked so hard to save my marriage, because I love Handsome of course.  But I love God too.  I believe God wants me to win this battle. I am winning this battle. I am loved.
Maybe not the way I would prefer, but doesn't God love me in the same exact way? He would like so much more fro.m me, I fail Him daily. It changes nothing about His love for me.
So I kissed Handsome, and told him I love him. I chose love.
Did I fail? No, I'm pretty sure I won this battle.

How long will it take before your spouse kisses you? Or says I love you without being prompted

So I am a Huge words of affirmation person.  My husband is supposed to be one too. Also physical touch. After this past weekend I have been pretty low, seeing how awful handsome family is.  How his sister had to be shamed into visiting her very sick mother,  after three years!.(She lives only five 1/2 hours away) Part of my sad feelings stem from not feeling loved. Oh my kid yes, grandkids, of course.  But the one person  who I crave these things from, very seldom offers them up.  I decided today, to not do either. Initiate a kiss, or tell him first that I love him. (He does appreciate me caring for his mother)
 My dilemma is this, do I count the bedtime kiss?  Or peck on the lips? He cuddles me, but after a few minutes rolls to his comfy position..
I am sad, my in laws have sucked the love out of me. I keep praying, God, remind me always why I do this, it is not for THEM.
So I will give a daily report, or at least keep track so handsome and I to discuss.
Am I just still being an insecure mess? Or do I have a right to say I need this, why won't you give it to me?!
God told me pretty clearly that I need to quit making handsome feel bad.  But that should not mean we can't discuss what our needs in our marriage are. Am I right?

Peace

Well it went down. Not quite How I wanted, but better than nothing

Handsome went tot he nursing home yesterday to settle in his mom for rehab, and proceeded to tell Wicked Witch of the East that everything that was said, was directly his words.  NOT mine.  But of course, she never said anything in a way of an apology to me  which I guess handsome thinks is ok.
It was funny, I asked Handsome, did she show any appreciation for what we are doing, he said no.  All she did was make excuses on why she can not ever drive five hours away to visit a mom who although not on deaths door, definitely is on the street corner.
It was funny when I asked handsome, "so why do you think witchy poo called" and he looked at me funny.  I said well I sent her a message that it would be a shame if they did not speak again. So of course he was disappointing finding out it was AGAIN my doing.
Then, when I asked her brother in the nursing home for the tenth time to NOT SHARE my photos, do you know she got snarky with me~ telling me that is I put things on facebook then I should expect to get them shared.  It was a stupid thing to say, and she was again, trying to get me to react.

I dont do this for me, I just need to over and over tell myself that!

what an awful week. Otherwise titled you can pick your friends, but cant pick your family (in laws)

Oh dear what a week it has been.  Last week I lost a dear family member, who lives out of state.  I made very fast travel plans to go to the funeral.  God worked it out so that I could go, and I am so glad I did.  I have not seen my extended family in a few (many ) years.  When I go back, I get my love tank filled to overflowing.  My cousins and I, it felt like we never lived apart.  My family there just loved on me, and made me feel great.  They showed appreciation for my coming (not that that is the reason I went), when I told them about life now, how I have cared for my Mother in law in my home for 13 years, they showed me appreciation, complimented me on doing it.  I have tried to tell everyone, I do this because this is what God expects of me.  We are to care for our parents, and I would never put my family in a nursing home, so why should it be different for Handsomes family.
Well,I came home from the funeral, to find MIL collapsed.  Took her to hospital, she was in congestive heart failure, plus the 18 other things that are wrong with her.
Now let me set the stage.  Handsome is one of four living kids.  Handsome has a family member younger than him, who had a devastating stroke a little more than a year ago.  He lives in town.  My MIL has been very steadily going down hill, and I expect she does not have long in this world.  I have, for over three years, been trying to tell her daughter that lives five hours away, that her mother is getting steadily worse.  This daughter asked the other daughter "why is longtime telling me mom is getting worse, does she want her in a nursing home?"  I could not believe it, I told her it was because I did not want her mother to die before she had a chance to see her mother.  If I wanted her in a nursing home, I would not ask her permission.
So basically Handsome shamed her into coming to see her family.  But her and I had words.  Handsome and I called her out, told her how we feel about the fact that she never visits.  She told me she was caring for a critically ill boyfriend, yet she has been to Ocean City many times, she went to visit her daughter many times, but NEVER EVER CAME TO SEE HER MOTHER.
Well, now I am the one that is the bad guy.  Sister in law wont talk to me, other one is avoiding me. I am feeling so low today, I want to cry when I think about it.  I would give my right arm to be able to drive only five hours to see my mom, but she is halfway around the country.  I STILL make it home to her 2 times a year, and talk twice a week.  Two mothers days in a row, TWO, this sister in law never even called her mother.  But I am the bad guy. I am the bitch. I care for her mother, but because I told her the truth that she did not want confronted with, I am the bad guy, that is tearing the family apart.  My brother in law, that had a stroke at a young age, whose wife abandoned him at the hospital.  I found him a nursing home, by my house so that we could be close by.  I make sure to pick him up every week for church, and sunday dinner. I arranged for two men to do a weekly bible study.
if it was up to his family,handsom included  sit in that nursing home and never leave.
But I am the bad guy.
Jesus tells us in this life there will be troubles, and that for doing what He wants we may be persecuted.
I just never expected it from family.
Peace and blessings.

loving someone from your teens til your fifties

Do you ever feel like you want a do over?  Maybe something you do one way, and have done this way forever, but given the chance to do it over again, maybe you would change some things.  Hindsight as they say is twenty twenty.
I have know Handsome since I was 16 years old.  We met at a Labor Day party.  He had a motorcycle, and asked me if I wanted a ride home, of course I did!!  I made him stop at the entrance, because my dad would have killed me had he seen me on a motorcycle. LOL as a side note, my father did not know until I was well into my thirties that Handsome ever had a bike.  Oh the things you find out after the fact!
Handsome and I went away shortly after our issues of his EA.  We took the whole family to the beach, for me, it was trying to heal in a place that we all loved, trying to repair the terrible rift that had torn my family apart.  I was fragile then, and I think that Handsome was still in the fog of the affair, feeling sorry for himself, perhaps not yet over her.  He said something to me, I will never forget.  He looked at me and said, "do you ever wonder what life would have been like if we had not met?"  To this day, when I think of him saying that I want to cry.  Because up until that moment, NEVER in my life did I wonder how it would be without him. In my mind, my life has been an answer to prayer.  I had a good husband ( thought so anyway), great kids, a home, a job, my life was good people!  Until the moment he said "I don't love you any more"
But even then, never did I think" what would my life be like if he and I never met".
I always felt that I was living my dream of a perfect life.
For a long time after that, I thought about it, but still never ever wondered myself "what if I had never met handsome"

But now, when things are good again, I sometimes wonder.  What would my life be like had I not met him.  Maybe I would have married someone who made a great living.  Someone who didnt have to struggle to care for their family.  Maybe this person would have had a lovely big NORMAL family. Maybe I could have had my small farm.  Maybe this person would give me my hearts desire everyday, telling me he loved me, couldn't live without me, kissed me spontaneously, let me know how they desired me.  Fulfilled the NEED I have everyday to know I am CHERISHED~.
I know that Handsome loves me. I do. But I wonder now, how would it have been to be married to someone who would show me the love, instead of having it drug out of him kicking and screaming.
 I know I am loved........
But I wonder sometimes................
Peace

So last weekend

I am going to have to make this quick and condensed.  To make a long story shorter, my mother in law moved in with us twelve years ago.  At the time the Dr. said, she may have a year to live.  After ten years, he said, boy are you doing a good job!  I used to laugh and say my kids would be out of school and she would still be there.  Well guess what? Yup, she is still there.  And as I said before, it makes for a struggle for an intimate life.  She also does not respect the fact that in the evening after work, Handsome and I need time alone, to communicate, and decompress.  I sometimes wonder if this was one of the issues that helped in the almost demise of my marriage.
So back to this weekend.  My dear Handsome has a screwy family to say the least, I know that all people have someone in their family that is screwy, but this family has bunches.  Dear Handsome has a brother, who has several health issues, has had several strokes, permanent heart damage, diabetes, so many things wrong, and he is young.  Well his wife basically abandoned him at the hospital after his last stroke, she had starved him, quit buying his medicine.  We believe she was trying to hasten his death. So Handsome and I asked if he wanted to go to a nursing home closer to where we live, so we can help care for him, and make sure he is getting proper care.  The result we were hoping for is to get him set up in a small income controlled apartment with some assistance from the state.
To say handsome family is not close is an understatement.  Nobody visited bro in law. His sister feels he should be happy he is being taken care of.  But he is in with dementia patients thirty years older than he.  It breaks my heart, and because I would not let my family sit in there and rot, I decided that I would commit to picking him up every week for church, and to come home for Sunday dinner.  I also arranged for two men to go and do a bible study weekly with him, they take him for coffee ect.  Just so he doesnt feel alone.
The last time I picked him up, he fell getting into our house.  He said he was fine, he had one tiny scratch so we assumed he was ok.  Well he got back to the nursing home, and a few days later they said he was having difficulty and swelling in his arm (this is the one that is paralyzed.) They decided to send him for an xray.  The xray came back negative, so they proceeded to watch him.  Well his arm got worse, and they sent him to the hospital.  He is on cumiden (sp) and he had a blood clot in his arm.  He had to have surgery and have it opened. I felt horrid about it.  He was ok, and he understood.
Enter SISTER IN LAW.......................ug.  Now she has not been to see bro in law since he came to the nursing home, even though she lives less than five miles away.  She hasn't called, nothing.  But she had the nerve to bitch and complain that we mis handled Bro in law.  Started trying to tell us what to do.  Got her mother (my mother in law) in a really big fit.  It was a mess.  As bad as I felt to begin with, she made it ten times worse.  I told my mother in law, that if it weren't for me, she would be in a nursing home, not OUR home.  I informed her that the ONLY person worried about bro in law was me.  If it weren't for me he would sit in there and rot.  I was furious.  I felt like handsome should have done something, said something, but of course, that would be confrontation and he does not do that.......
Thank God Bro is ok, sis in law has stayed away from me, but I dread Easter coming up.
I know we all have family, do you have crazy ungrateful ones too??
Peace

I am sorry, I really want to update my meltdown, but have no time today.

But a quick update in Handsome land.  My insecurities aside since this weekend, he has been ever so much more attentive.  I have to make him understand, that just because before, I assumed he appricieated me, I also assumed he loved me Hah
So now, I need the words. And I need them alot. Anyone who has survived an affair will tell you , you need, just like food and water, words of affirmation and love.  I feel like if I dont get them, then there is something going on.
So just the fact that after my melt down he NOTICED ME. was a big step.
I promise tomorrow to explain what happened this weekend.  Put it this way, xanax was my friend!
peace folks!

you can pick your friends.....

But not your family. I had an AMAZING meltdown today. I am still feeling upset and angry about it.
Unfortunately, I am trying to do this on a tiny kindle, and the events that lead up to today will take some time.  Some time for me to compose how I tell it.  I laugh, because as we all know, you marry your spouse's family, as well as your spouse.  But my situation o is different. My mother in law lives with us.   Let that sink in. Handsome and I are at a time when we should be having fun in our home. Yeah, right. Mother in law in the next room doesn't quite make for some rocking romance.
More on this whole situation tomorrow after I have time to think

What happens when the nest starts getting empty.

When the last bird has flown the coop, or is close to flying, things start to truly change in a longtime marriage.  There is less distractions, less demands on your time by someone else.  You find that between a husband and wife, there seems to be more time together than you may have had since before your children were born.  I know for me, I looked forward to it.  There are others that I know who struggle with it, and have a sense of loss.
What can happen when you have that sense of loss?  You can become depressed, you look to fill your time in other ways.  But what I see happen over and over , is these sad women who don't deal well with their birdies flying away, and they turn away from their husbands. This can be a death blow in a marriage that feels less than fulfilling.
Every single person who gets married, needs to think beyond those first few years, beyond the child rearing years, and make absolutely sure that you want to spend 20 or 30 years after raising children together, doing things that you both enjoy.  Make sure you have interests that you share with each other early on, so that when the children are born, you  have a way to take time together and have fun, but also, that you have something fun together to look forward to when the children are gone.
I have a dear friend, whose child flew the coop recently.  Their marriage is struggling, they do not have common interests anymore, their common denominator was their only child. They sleep apart.  They communicate, but do not have fun with one another.  They are roommates who care for each other, probably at their core, but they find no joy together anymore.  While they were raising their child, they forgot to have fun together, and now, they just do not know how to anymore.

Handsome and I have looked forward for many many years to have an empty(ish) nest.  We adore traveling, (very very cheaply!), love to ride the motorcycle.  We have common interests, and if perhaps one of us has an interest that the other may not, we at least try very hard to enjoy it, so that down the road, we will be able to do things together that both of us enjoy.  I enjoy a sport that Handsome loves now, but I did not always love it.  But we combine something I love with this sport and that is travel.  So we travel to fun places, then go to the event that Handsome loves, and have fun there, then have fun seeing the sights.  We have both benefited from the trip, we both had fun, and we did it together. The bonus is now we have something fun to look forward to, we try to schedule some things like this every year. But even staying home, we enjoy the same things.  I have striven for us to do things together the each enjoys, because we love each other and want to spend time together.  I like musical theater, Handsome will tolerate it, and even look like he enjoys it, because the alternative is I find a girlfriend to go with me.  Now that would not foster togetherness in our relationship, in reality, it would drive another wedge between us. So we do not do that, we try to enjoy each others hobbies and events so that the time we spend together is having fun, like our beginning years together.

I hope  that maybe this will help one or two people who are early in marriage, or facing these coming empty nest years with dread.  Right now, find something to share with your spouse, make a reservation for something they will enjoy, even if you do not.  Go with them, smile, have fun!  The investment in your future will be there.  It will be the first step to ensuring that you are 70 years old, and holding hands with joy.  Or eighty years old, sitting with her head on your shoulder.  Don't let yourselves become roommates, begin life as lovers, end it as lovers with a joyous history.
Peace

real nice giveaway link

Dont read this because its boring is a nice blog I recently found. She is doing a really nice giveaway and I wanted to share it with you all.  I used to do the Rite Aid coupon shopping, and used to get some fantastic deals, but alas, no time now!
But she has a great box of goodies for giveaway, so go check out her blog, and enter for a chance to win a great box of Goodies!
http://simpleslug.blogspot.com/2014/04/its-spring-whos-ready-for-giveaway.html

If one of you wins, please let me know!
More of life in longtimes land tomorrow!
Peace

Great online personality test

At work today, we were all asked to take a personality test, based on Briggs Meyers testing.  This personality test will then be part of my permanent file, and hopefully give my boss a better understanding of what makes me tick.  Boy oh boy was this test accurate~ I will include a link at the end of this post so you can take it if you want.  Be prepared to learn a thing or two!
But what I really want is Handsome to take this test.  You think after thirty plus years together that I would KNOW him.  But it is proven to me time after time that I really do not know him.  He has kept certain personality traits somewhat hidden or not evident to me anyway.  What I am hoping, just like my boss, that I will glean some information about what really makes him tick.  I am surprised all the time by some of my perceptions of who and what he is.

He is kind and giving.  He is an introvert. He struggles with showing love. I know these things, but maybe this test will give me some insight into the whys of it.

I spoke to Handsome last week about some of the things that have been bothering me.  Actually, I started crying when I had to ask for a kiss when He got home.  Ever since our problems, I have an overwhelming need to have him hold me and give me a kiss when He gets home.  I need to feel that reassurance, especially after work.  The person he became involved with was someone who He worked with.  So I always feel that if He was coming home from having maybe been closer to someone than he should be that I would be able to tell somehow.  Which in reality, I never did see!  I never ever saw the EA coming.  I actually for three whole weeks believed him when He said, " I fell out of love with you, I may never have loved you."  Then one day driving home, crying (which was an hourly thing then lol) when it dawned on me.  The only time Handsome had EVER said He did not love me, was during his first indiscretion. I felt a bomb go off in my head and heart. In that moment I knew what was going on.  I just did not know who it was going on with. When I found out, it was devastating.  Ever since his first indiscretion, he swore to me he would not get close to a woman at work.  I know how easy it is to fall into a trap at work.  For that reason, where I work, men and women are never alone behind closed doors, they never travel anywhere with out  a third party.  We are all human, and we spend a good majority of our day with people who are not our spouses.  Sometimes, we confide in the people we work with.  Sometimes that confiding goes a tiny bit further, you start feeling like that person really understands you.  Not like your spouse, who after all this time, may not be treating you with the joy and love and respect of a new relationship.  So we become drawn to this person who is soooo understanding, who gets me, who doesnt pressure me to do things like my spouse. This new person gives you the heart flutter of your earlier years, you may not be feeling that with your spouse anymore.
Friends it is so easy if you do not guard your heart and mind to fall into the same trap that Handsome did.
He told our counselor one time that he never worries about me "stepping out" on him.  Why does he feel that way? I am attractive, I may be slightly plumper than my early years, but I still notice men noticing me. He said he doesnt worry about me because he knows "she isnt like that, she would never do that".
The funny thing is he is correct~!  Even that night, after I slapped him, threw something through a window, I screamed at him that I was going to go to the bar, and find someone, anyone who would be overjoyed to go home with me.  He said he never worried about me that night, and I was upset!  I felt like he thought nobody would be interested in me.  That is not what it was, but that is what I thought.
All this explaining just so I can share what happened when Handsome did not give me a kiss when He came home.!
I started crying and said why did you not come give me a kiss?  I have sent you two emails, spelling out how I am feeling insecure right now.  And that I needed some extra loving, and that I needed the reassurances that nothing will come between us again.  But he walked in and fussed over the DOGS AGAIN.  I cryed, alot.  I told him that I need him to give me the same love at least that he shows the dogs.  I NEED this I told him. It is like food for some people, if I do not have this, I starve emotionally.  And when I starve emotionally, the evil one gets in my head, and says all kinds of things that make me doubt my Husband.  I know this makes me weak.  I hate being weak.  but this situation has scarred me.  It has made me weak, and vulnerable to hearing these things.
But friend, he heard me.  He has been attentive.  When he hugs me, it feels like he is going to break me in two. He is trying.  I just have to see that his way is not my way, and my way is not his way.
So that takes me all the way back around to the test I mentioned.  I want him to take it and let me see if I can learn something about him that I may not already know.
http://www.16personalities.com/
Here is the test website.  let me know if you take it, if it was accurate for you.  Mine was so spot on I was amazed.  I hope that I can use it to learn some things about Dear Handsome Husband that I do not know.  Things that may clue me in to why it is hard for him to show his love to me in the way I need it.
Have a great day friend, Peace