When the last bird has flown the coop, or is close to flying, things start to truly change in a longtime marriage. There is less distractions, less demands on your time by someone else. You find that between a husband and wife, there seems to be more time together than you may have had since before your children were born. I know for me, I looked forward to it. There are others that I know who struggle with it, and have a sense of loss.
What can happen when you have that sense of loss? You can become depressed, you look to fill your time in other ways. But what I see happen over and over , is these sad women who don't deal well with their birdies flying away, and they turn away from their husbands. This can be a death blow in a marriage that feels less than fulfilling.
Every single person who gets married, needs to think beyond those first few years, beyond the child rearing years, and make absolutely sure that you want to spend 20 or 30 years after raising children together, doing things that you both enjoy. Make sure you have interests that you share with each other early on, so that when the children are born, you have a way to take time together and have fun, but also, that you have something fun together to look forward to when the children are gone.
I have a dear friend, whose child flew the coop recently. Their marriage is struggling, they do not have common interests anymore, their common denominator was their only child. They sleep apart. They communicate, but do not have fun with one another. They are roommates who care for each other, probably at their core, but they find no joy together anymore. While they were raising their child, they forgot to have fun together, and now, they just do not know how to anymore.
Handsome and I have looked forward for many many years to have an empty(ish) nest. We adore traveling, (very very cheaply!), love to ride the motorcycle. We have common interests, and if perhaps one of us has an interest that the other may not, we at least try very hard to enjoy it, so that down the road, we will be able to do things together that both of us enjoy. I enjoy a sport that Handsome loves now, but I did not always love it. But we combine something I love with this sport and that is travel. So we travel to fun places, then go to the event that Handsome loves, and have fun there, then have fun seeing the sights. We have both benefited from the trip, we both had fun, and we did it together. The bonus is now we have something fun to look forward to, we try to schedule some things like this every year. But even staying home, we enjoy the same things. I have striven for us to do things together the each enjoys, because we love each other and want to spend time together. I like musical theater, Handsome will tolerate it, and even look like he enjoys it, because the alternative is I find a girlfriend to go with me. Now that would not foster togetherness in our relationship, in reality, it would drive another wedge between us. So we do not do that, we try to enjoy each others hobbies and events so that the time we spend together is having fun, like our beginning years together.
I hope that maybe this will help one or two people who are early in marriage, or facing these coming empty nest years with dread. Right now, find something to share with your spouse, make a reservation for something they will enjoy, even if you do not. Go with them, smile, have fun! The investment in your future will be there. It will be the first step to ensuring that you are 70 years old, and holding hands with joy. Or eighty years old, sitting with her head on your shoulder. Don't let yourselves become roommates, begin life as lovers, end it as lovers with a joyous history.
Peace
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