Do you ever feel like you want a do over? Maybe something you do one way, and have done this way forever, but given the chance to do it over again, maybe you would change some things. Hindsight as they say is twenty twenty.
I have know Handsome since I was 16 years old. We met at a Labor Day party. He had a motorcycle, and asked me if I wanted a ride home, of course I did!! I made him stop at the entrance, because my dad would have killed me had he seen me on a motorcycle. LOL as a side note, my father did not know until I was well into my thirties that Handsome ever had a bike. Oh the things you find out after the fact!
Handsome and I went away shortly after our issues of his EA. We took the whole family to the beach, for me, it was trying to heal in a place that we all loved, trying to repair the terrible rift that had torn my family apart. I was fragile then, and I think that Handsome was still in the fog of the affair, feeling sorry for himself, perhaps not yet over her. He said something to me, I will never forget. He looked at me and said, "do you ever wonder what life would have been like if we had not met?" To this day, when I think of him saying that I want to cry. Because up until that moment, NEVER in my life did I wonder how it would be without him. In my mind, my life has been an answer to prayer. I had a good husband ( thought so anyway), great kids, a home, a job, my life was good people! Until the moment he said "I don't love you any more"
But even then, never did I think" what would my life be like if he and I never met".
I always felt that I was living my dream of a perfect life.
For a long time after that, I thought about it, but still never ever wondered myself "what if I had never met handsome"
But now, when things are good again, I sometimes wonder. What would my life be like had I not met him. Maybe I would have married someone who made a great living. Someone who didnt have to struggle to care for their family. Maybe this person would have had a lovely big NORMAL family. Maybe I could have had my small farm. Maybe this person would give me my hearts desire everyday, telling me he loved me, couldn't live without me, kissed me spontaneously, let me know how they desired me. Fulfilled the NEED I have everyday to know I am CHERISHED~.
I know that Handsome loves me. I do. But I wonder now, how would it have been to be married to someone who would show me the love, instead of having it drug out of him kicking and screaming.
I know I am loved........
But I wonder sometimes................
Peace
No comments:
Post a Comment