At work today, we were all asked to take a personality test, based on Briggs Meyers testing. This personality test will then be part of my permanent file, and hopefully give my boss a better understanding of what makes me tick. Boy oh boy was this test accurate~ I will include a link at the end of this post so you can take it if you want. Be prepared to learn a thing or two!
But what I really want is Handsome to take this test. You think after thirty plus years together that I would KNOW him. But it is proven to me time after time that I really do not know him. He has kept certain personality traits somewhat hidden or not evident to me anyway. What I am hoping, just like my boss, that I will glean some information about what really makes him tick. I am surprised all the time by some of my perceptions of who and what he is.
He is kind and giving. He is an introvert. He struggles with showing love. I know these things, but maybe this test will give me some insight into the whys of it.
I spoke to Handsome last week about some of the things that have been bothering me. Actually, I started crying when I had to ask for a kiss when He got home. Ever since our problems, I have an overwhelming need to have him hold me and give me a kiss when He gets home. I need to feel that reassurance, especially after work. The person he became involved with was someone who He worked with. So I always feel that if He was coming home from having maybe been closer to someone than he should be that I would be able to tell somehow. Which in reality, I never did see! I never ever saw the EA coming. I actually for three whole weeks believed him when He said, " I fell out of love with you, I may never have loved you." Then one day driving home, crying (which was an hourly thing then lol) when it dawned on me. The only time Handsome had EVER said He did not love me, was during his first indiscretion. I felt a bomb go off in my head and heart. In that moment I knew what was going on. I just did not know who it was going on with. When I found out, it was devastating. Ever since his first indiscretion, he swore to me he would not get close to a woman at work. I know how easy it is to fall into a trap at work. For that reason, where I work, men and women are never alone behind closed doors, they never travel anywhere with out a third party. We are all human, and we spend a good majority of our day with people who are not our spouses. Sometimes, we confide in the people we work with. Sometimes that confiding goes a tiny bit further, you start feeling like that person really understands you. Not like your spouse, who after all this time, may not be treating you with the joy and love and respect of a new relationship. So we become drawn to this person who is soooo understanding, who gets me, who doesnt pressure me to do things like my spouse. This new person gives you the heart flutter of your earlier years, you may not be feeling that with your spouse anymore.
Friends it is so easy if you do not guard your heart and mind to fall into the same trap that Handsome did.
He told our counselor one time that he never worries about me "stepping out" on him. Why does he feel that way? I am attractive, I may be slightly plumper than my early years, but I still notice men noticing me. He said he doesnt worry about me because he knows "she isnt like that, she would never do that".
The funny thing is he is correct~! Even that night, after I slapped him, threw something through a window, I screamed at him that I was going to go to the bar, and find someone, anyone who would be overjoyed to go home with me. He said he never worried about me that night, and I was upset! I felt like he thought nobody would be interested in me. That is not what it was, but that is what I thought.
All this explaining just so I can share what happened when Handsome did not give me a kiss when He came home.!
I started crying and said why did you not come give me a kiss? I have sent you two emails, spelling out how I am feeling insecure right now. And that I needed some extra loving, and that I needed the reassurances that nothing will come between us again. But he walked in and fussed over the DOGS AGAIN. I cryed, alot. I told him that I need him to give me the same love at least that he shows the dogs. I NEED this I told him. It is like food for some people, if I do not have this, I starve emotionally. And when I starve emotionally, the evil one gets in my head, and says all kinds of things that make me doubt my Husband. I know this makes me weak. I hate being weak. but this situation has scarred me. It has made me weak, and vulnerable to hearing these things.
But friend, he heard me. He has been attentive. When he hugs me, it feels like he is going to break me in two. He is trying. I just have to see that his way is not my way, and my way is not his way.
So that takes me all the way back around to the test I mentioned. I want him to take it and let me see if I can learn something about him that I may not already know.
http://www.16personalities.com/
Here is the test website. let me know if you take it, if it was accurate for you. Mine was so spot on I was amazed. I hope that I can use it to learn some things about Dear Handsome Husband that I do not know. Things that may clue me in to why it is hard for him to show his love to me in the way I need it.
Have a great day friend, Peace
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