I started doing this blogging thing when I started reading and discovering blogs. I learned from people. I found commonalities with others. I found friends that if I saw on the street I may not know, but those same people would help you if they knew you needed it, and they could provide the help. It is an amazing thing this blogging community, I found myself drawn into a few very specific blogs, people who I learned to admire for their faith, or their knowledge, or perhaps a shared event in their life.
That last reason is the reason I started my blog. Well one of the reasons. The other reason was I process things better in writing sometimes. Sometimes it gives me a way to look at my emotions or problems with a third eye, better able to be objective. But I did not start it with the intention of anyone reading it, and especially not anyone who I like or love. Someone I may meet in the future.
So I try to stay somewhat anonymous, although I know I am not doing it that well, lol, I am not sure how to!
So I blog to spew out my feelings, to process them, and maybe to connect with someone who is dealing with the same issues, or has wisdom to share. I also hope that in my triumph over some of the trials of life, that I have knowledge to share with others.
I worry that anyone who reads this will think so horribly of Handsome, that they cannot look past his past, but only see my issues, my complaints, I don't want that to happen. Because in reality, Handsome and I DID triumph, we DID honor our vows, I DID forgive him, just as Christ forgave me, although I did put conditions on it that Christ doesn't, I had to be smart as well as forgiving. I want for marriages to survive and thrive. I want MY marriage to survive and thrive! I vent, if I don't vent, I get angry. I realize after much thinking and praying that is if I get angry, the evil one gets in my head and just BUILDS on that anger, until I am wrapped up in wanting something different that what God has BLESSED me with.
You see, Handsome had the classic mid life crisis. It is honestly so rampant in men of a certain age, that in reading about it, blogs, articles, anything I could get my hands on, I saw so many stories that ended so terribly for the family of the man who went off the rails. I want to be different, set apart. I try to honor God, and I truly believe that in Honoring Him, He will bless me.
Do I complain, yes I do. Do I bring up how hard my insecurities are? I do. But they are my insecurities to deal with. I want anyone who comes here though, that may have, or is going thru a hard time within their marriage to have hope. I had hope, I had faith, I was on my knees, and God convicted Handsome and renewed our relationship in amazing ways.
Did he change, yes, he did. Did I change, boy you betcha! Do I have more lessons to learn? Always. I do speak to Handsome, and try to get him to help me deal with my insecurities, but the honest truth is, Handsome was raised in such a dysfunctional, terrible family, that he never learned what the display of love was. He is actually more demonstrative now than in our youth. I have many many things that I hold anger about concerning my husbands story of his raising, but it is not my story to tell. Just know that he was not equipped with love, not shown love, and was never sure of being loved. So this is my quest if you will, to process my feelings, to help others, to keep forgiving, and to keep looking for ways to help stretch Handsome.
He loves me truly he does. But all longtime marriages struggle at one point or another. This is my attempt at dealing with those struggles. Also to show that you CAN triumph over and emotional affair. Love can win.
I won.
Peace and Blessings
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