So the last time I was here, I wanted to try an experiment. How long would it take for Handsome to give me a kiss, instead of me giving the kiss.
I failed.
I will always fail.
I am a physical touch person. It drives me, my soul needs it. So I am a failure,. But I like to think I also won something. Huh? Say again sister. I had to remember that when I start feeling insecure in my husband's love for me that that comes from the evil one. The one who wants to see my m marriage fail, not succeed. I worked so hard to save my marriage, because I love Handsome of course. But I love God too. I believe God wants me to win this battle. I am winning this battle. I am loved.
Maybe not the way I would prefer, but doesn't God love me in the same exact way? He would like so much more fro.m me, I fail Him daily. It changes nothing about His love for me.
So I kissed Handsome, and told him I love him. I chose love.
Did I fail? No, I'm pretty sure I won this battle.
you left a sweet comment about me on Phelan's blog and i just wanted to say thank you. and then i came here to your blog and read a few of your posts and all that i can say is that i have to go back to the beginning of your posts before i can leave a proper comment.
ReplyDeletemy mother used to cut hearts into my father's toast every morning for breakfast and he never once noticed. she always wished that he was more emotional because she was soooo emotional. he never put on displays of affection to anyone, not my mother and not any of us kids.
i am having a hard time reading your posts because i know exactly what you crave. i craved it my whole life too. then i met my jambaloney. in the sidebar of our blog i say that if there is one wish that i could have for the world, my wish would be that every single woman could have a jambaloney. he is affectionate, emotional and yet such a man. he hugs every woman who comes through the door at any of our community events, he tells different women that he noticed that they just got their hair done, he tells different women that it looks like they lost weight, and he hugs and kisses all of them. the women in my community looooove my jambaloney...but they also have enough smarts in them to know that if they ever cross a line, i will flat-out simply kill them with my bare hands. he belongs to me and demonstrates that to everyone....but that doesn't mean that he can't make other women feel good about themselves.
i am sorry for what you have been through....but i am feeling incredibly tenderhearted today and can't read through all of your posts right now....i fear my heart will explode. i just want you to know that i empathize with you...i watched my mother love an emotionally-unavailable man and it didn't matter that he really did actually love her. he just couldn't demonstrate it. and that's all she wanted. and it seems that, that is all you want is some demonstration.
i send you my warmest thoughts. and i will come back and read your blog from the beginning. if my comment offends or hurts you, just delete it.
i don't know what else to say for now. i promise to read from the beginning so that i can truly understand what you are feeling.
with much love. kymber
Oh kymber, dont be sad for me. I do love my Handsome. This blog was a way for me to process some of my emotions, honestly, I never thought of someone reading it. But I know that in our years together, that reading of others successes helped me move forward in my recovery.
ReplyDeleteMy past may seem hurtful, but it brought me to the now, and truly God has blessed me. Although I wish I could change some things, I would not change who God gave me, maybe just some bad habits. Dont think harshly of him, I hope that i dont come off that way. He has been very hurtful to me in the past, but as God forgave me, I forgive him.
I do so love your blog, I would LOVE to meet you and jambaloney!
My dear Handsome knows nothing of my writing, I hope to keep it that way for now. This blog is helping me to sort things out in my head and heart. Thank you for your kindness, it shines thru you. Also keep your fingers crossed that everything works, but I have a place for Phelan's Dan to stay , a motorhome in my yard! He could work in this area, and it is only four hours away to his wife and kids. I am praying we can work it out, as I did not want her to have her husband be so far away. Say a prayer that he can find work up here. And just to say, it was Handsomes idea that Dan come. hugs and love Kymber!