providing for my needs

I have said before I work for a large church, in an affluent area. I do not live in the area where I work, I live about 25 minutes away, and the median income is smaller where I live, as well as more blue collar.  Where I work the median income is probably 300,000 dollars, perhaps much more.  Some of our proffesional sports teams live in this area.  It is booming here.

I see excess every day in the area I work. I see people complaining of not having things. I was talking about cars to a person who is struggling with debt payments.  He did not want to drive a five year old car! There were various reasons why I just can't even respond. The first being I drive a 1995 Baretta, we put a new motor in it, it came from MO where they do not use road salt and was in excellent condition.  We have never had a car payment. It has always been just a means to get from point a to point b. I have to roll my windows down by hand! GASP!  We actually drive cars until they are dead and gone. We always get our money's worth out of them to say the least.

I am two years away from payoff on our house. We only have one outstanding credit card debt (we have medical debt as well) we purchased a much needed furnace for our house and we are trying desperatly to pay it off in a year or as fast as humanly possible.

We save for everything we want.  If we want a vacation, we save.  If we want a car, we save. If we want clothes we save. We never use credit ever for anything other than emergencies, then pay it off FAST. 

People think we are crazy. We decided we want a vaction next year. So we are already thinking of ways to make the money to go.  I am going to raise tons of heirloom tomatoes and pepper plants and sell them this coming spring at a farmers market and out of my yard which has tons of  traffic.  I am buying yard sale finds and repainting them and making them "chabby chic"  basically old looking and am taking them to consignment. We plan on doing a whole bunch of it over the winter and trying to get a booth at a flea market and sell it all in a weekend. Any leftover will go to consignment. This is the way we are going to take a vacation. We could put it on a credit card, but we choose to save for it instead.  Also when we go, we do not stay in extravigant places or eat in the most expensive places.  We are frugal by nature. People do not understand that.

Our home is small.  It is two stories and a basement. ONE BATHROOM! People cannot believe we can funtion with one bathroom. Why don't we  sell and get a bigger home?  Well let me answer that question.  We bought a house on the premise that we would be able to always make the payment, even if we lost our "good" jobs, we could each work two part time Walmart type jobs and make ends meet.  We live pretty much paycheck to paycheck, but we have never over extended ourselves. If we could not afford to pay cash, we did not NEED IT.

People think we are crazy. I like to say I live the way God intended for me to live.  He told us in the bible that He will supply all of our NEEDS, and He has!

I have needs and I have WANTS. Wants we need to work for, to earn. God gives us this ability.

So this is how I try to live.  In an affluent area, people look at me like I have two heads when they realize how "poor" we live.

But I know I am not poor at all! I am rich~ I have a roof over my head that I love, it has enough room for all my family, but it may not have an extra family room.  We have an acre of land, and if I had to, I could grow what I need on that acre to sustain us. My one bathroom works well, my bedroom gives me privacy and peace. I raised a family there, and have grandbabies who cannot wait to come to Grandmas house!

Could I get greedy and want more? Sure, some days I have to pull my brain away from the "I wish we had xyz"  Who would not want the newest most awsome washing machine? Or a new car? Or the best shoes and clothes?

It is human nature to want, but it is biblical to live knowing that God will take care of my needs. Not easy, but Christ never said it would be easy, He said we had to pick up our cross and follow him. I know that means that life will weigh you down, it will be hard, but I will be with you all along the way, and I will take care of your needs.

Thank God for that assurance~

Peace and Blessings!

LTW

sorry it has been so long!

I am sure most of you understand the end of summer and what that means when you are a gardener!  Canning season starts.  I was so sad, I had to buy my tomatoes this year because the dag nabbed deer ate all my tomato plants. But I got a good deal on a bushel of beautiful roma's and made fire roasted sauce and some salsa as well. I canned green beans and peach preserves as well. The peach preserves are a lower sugar recipe and they came out divine! I cannot wait to open it in the winter, maybe on some french vanilla ice cream!

We had a lovely ride for our anniversary, the weather was perfect, not to hot to enjoy the antique stores but nice enough to not have to wear a jacket riding the bike.  We got to see many Amish farms, and I have to say, I have never been to a better kept area of the country.  We traveled all over 2 counties on the bike, and there was not one abandoned house or crumbling garage or shed falling down. All the yards were pin neat, with great flowers and beautiful gardens. My handsome and I wondered why that is, because where we live you see old crumbling buildings everywhere.  Their farms are so beautiful! When we were riding some of the back roads we commented on the corn, we have never ever seen corn that tall, even in the midwest. It was at least ten feet tall, maybe even taller than that!  The air everywhere smelled of cows, not a bad smell at all, but clean air and farms air.  I think of all the farmers that put all those chemicals on their crops to fertilize them when the Amish use what God provides, poop! and they have the BEST corn I have ever seen!
We went to Stausburg PA and road a steam train, and went to an amazing train museum, if you love trains, that is the town to go to!
And all the fun antique stores that were around every corner it seemed. Because we were on the bike we could not buy too much ( which for our pocket book was good!) but we made some cute little finds. I found a great old bottle that says durahm drugs and elixers on it, it is blueish tinged. My handsome got a 48 star flag, he has wanted one for ever, It was only $12 and it was in good shape, a ton of "patina" but it will look good in the shadow box he is going to build.

We are going to try starting a small at home cottage industry (term used very very loosly!), We have a bunch of old advertising from old life magazines ect. Not photo advertising but hand drawn, my grandfather used to do that as a living, and I love looking at old ads, knowing that they were all painted by someone by hand, there is some beautiful ads out there. Anyway, we are framing these ads, then I am buying old frames and mats and distressing them and painting them in the "shabby chic" style, or using reclaimed wood we are making the frames.  I also am buying cheap mirrors and some small furniture and or accesories that can be remade into shabby chic or primitive looking items. I have my first batch done and am going to take them to a consignment store and see what happens. I will post pictures when I finish this batch. I have a beautiful Mazola oil ad in a distressed frame, I have a three stick candle holder, I have a mirror and then a wall rack thingy. Better to take a picture of it. We are hoping to make enough over the winter to take a nice vacation next year.  I also am planning on planting a whole ton of heirloom tomatoes from seed and sell them out of my yard over memorial day, that is when everyone goes crazy here on their yard and garden.  I also have a ton of perenial flowers that I am going to divide up and sell.  I know a woman that made over $600 a year just selling her perenials that she divided up from her yard. I am really enjoying making the furniture and stuff. I love anything creative, I love to paint and I think my stuff is turning out pretty neat looking. I am going to try to insert a picture of the wall rack thing.

I did it!

They are not the best pictures but it gives you an idea. I have two more old type seed packs for the bottom two small frames.  I think it was intended for pictures of family,,.but I like it like this it would make a neat key holder for a kitchen or dining area.

What do you think? I have very little money invested in this piece. Other than time I paid $5 for it so I can sell it for a reasonable price.

I hope that everyone is doing well and getting all their summer work finished up!

Peace and Blessings!

LTW

Getting ready to ride

We are running away on the bike and heading east! We never go east, so it will all be new!  We are doing a Harley Davidson steel boot tour, and hitting some Amish areas, ride the curvy covered bridge roads, and just adventure.
We are doing this to celebrate thirty years of marriage today.
Four years ago, I would not believe it. God is good!
Peace and blessings
LTW

Well I finally got a diagnosis

I went to the back specialist last two weeks and I have a diagnosis for my back, and it is not one I want, but I am relieved in a way and I will explain why.

ankylosing spondylitis

If you want you can google it.  In a nutshell it is a type of condition comparable to rheumatoid arthritis or psoriatic arthritis. It will not ever go away, but comes and goes in what they term "flares".  That explains why it seems nothing ever triggers my pain, and then it goes away. 

The condition scares me, but like I said, it gives me a certain peace knowing that there is indeed something wrong with my back. In this day and age, it just seems like you tell a doctor that you have back pain and they look at you like you just want drugs, well usually when people go to the doctor, they ARE in pain and DO need meds to help. Sadly that makes anyone seeking pain relief a doper to some doctors. My general practitioner in particular. I have had this problem so long, and anytime it got out of control I would ask for pain meds and rehab. He would give me 15 pain pills. That was nothing, and I could take them in four or five days.  Now a flare is not always for months, but it can be.

You see, finding out I had something was better than it being some random pain that I was being a baby about. When I finally went to the specialist, I explained that I fear that I will be prematurely aged by this.  What I mean was I am active. I like to garden and hike and play with my twin grandkids, and motorcycle for days, I am active.  As the pain became too much, I was loosing my ability to ignore the pain and be active, because that is what I have had to do for so long.  I have lived in pain for so many years now, that I just fight my way thru it to be able to LIVE.  I told the Dr that I cannot give up my activities, I see so many younger people who use canes ect because of back pain.  What I have is actually in  my sacroiliac joint not my back proper, as well as affecting my knee, (although I did not know they were connected till after my diagnosis) and when I lean forward it doesnt hurt so much, like people with canes.  I will not let that happen, and thank God, this doctor said he wont either! I told him I push thru the pain , I keep active, but that some days it is sooo hard to do. But he said that is was no problem to give me the pain meds to take on a  schedule. They are very very mild and do help.  This will probably progress though and as it does I will have to go see a different doctor and may have to be put on methotrexate or one of the strong meds they give for it. I hope that it never progresses to that point.

This diagnosis also explains a bunch of other things that happened in the past five years, I had a terrible hip problem about three or four years ago. I could hardly walk, they could not find anything wrong ( again, I was feeling like a hypochondriac) I ended up getting two injections in it and it hurt for almost a year, then bam, one day it is better. I went from being almost unable to walk to fine. It was another time I felt like what the heck, I did nothing to hurt myself, and doctors just don't like hearing that.  About three months ago my knee started hurting so bad I could hardly step on it. I figured shoot, I did something to that now.  Well I noticed that when my back was bad, so was my knee. Well the doctor said yes that is what a flare is. He helped me by validating that there was something physically wrong with me. I am not a drug seeker and I AM in pain, and there is a very real reason for the pain. Trust me when I say I would rather not have this at all, and I would much rather not be living in pain, but now I feel validated. Now I know it is not in my head. Or that I am a weakling and cannot deal with pain. I have been for so so long. I am taking one pill three times daily now, and am in so much more comfort. It is better than the 4 ibuprofen I was taking 4 times a day, that was eating my stomach and not working anymore. Now I can get out of bed in the morning and know I will be able to move after my shower. I can go to bed at night and actually roll over instead of pulling the sides of the bed to help me roll over.

I don't want this condition, but at least it is not in my head.

Peace and Blessings!

LTW

I am so happy!

I am able to get new insurance!!! I am so excited I cannot stand it!  I can get my shots in my back! I can get my carpal tunnel fixed!  I can get an MRI of the knee that I think I tore the meniscis (sp)
We can get the blood work that we need in our 50's
I am so relieved I cannot put it into words.

Sad garden update

Well, I am almost to the point of pulling all my tomatoes.  I have blight now from all the rain. It is so so hard to loose so many tomatoes when you raised them from seed, worked hard on giving them great growing conditions, and then the rain does not stop for over a month and the sun is hiding most days :(
I usually have no problems with things eating my garden either because of the three dogs, but something is eating my green beans! I seriously wanted to cry when I went out to my garden yesterday.  I am going to re evaluate the garden in a few days and may pull all of the really bad plants, then just replant with fall stuff. I will purchase a bushel of tomatoes and beans to can this year.  My trail of tears climbing beans are doing great.  My cukes are doing well too.  I dug potatoes yesterday for dinner and to see if they were rotting because of all the rain, thank goodness they are ok. I haven't had this bad of a year in over ten years and it really is disheartening to go thru all the work, and anticipation to have it fail. I think next year I am going to just build a new bed for the tomatoes and give all the current beds a break on them for at least a year.  I do rotate, but maybe I need longer between rotations.
Do any of you have suggestions as to what would be good to plant if I pull the tomatoes?  Something that will battle the problems I am having? What is a good feeder?  Any suggestions are welcome.

How are your gardens doing?  Have you ever had a failure year? It is disgusting isn't it lol.

Peace and Blessings
LTW

Why is there no publicity around yesterdays cyber "problems"

I have only recently gotten involved in preparedness. I could read the signs and found people online who I thought I could learn from, and who could help me to read the signs if I did not see something coming. I am learning so much, unfortunately I am nowhere near where I need to be if we have an incident, I would survive a short term emergency, but not a long term one. I am feeling the need to get better prepared.  I feel like God is nudging me in this direction, and I felt it before yesterday, but felt the need to share and get others opinions today.

What do you think happened yesterday with Wall Street and United Airlines?  Do you think it is all a coincidence?? I do not.  As Handsome and number 2 son and I were discussing this last night we all agree that there is no way this is a coincidence.  I am convinced that "the government" got involved and said no way are we saying this was and attack.  People would rush their banks and investments. I know I would.  Let me ask you, would you have flown yesterday or today even if you thought for one minute that the airlines could so easily be hacked, even though most informed people these days realize how vulnerable we really are. If this was a cyber attack or the "practice" run for one, and the media reported on that, our country would panic. The smart ones would see it as a very large warning sign, those that have been studying this and getting prepared for it are saying, we told you so.
I am trying not to worry, as I need to rely on the fact that God will indeed take care of me.
 My theory on all the cyber crap is this will institute the beginning of a individual microchip, meant to "protect" you from the cyber problems. The young people will think nothing of it at all, they are used to technology developing by leaps and bounds. Some young Christian people will know right away what it is. I am expecting it, and when that happens, we will need to be prepared, and I mean really prepared, as we will not be able to function without their device. We will have to have enough to care for our family until we are raptured or Jesus comes back.  It is an overwhelming thought isn't it?

I need to be way better prepared.  I need so many things, and my lists keep getting longer.  I am trying not to be discouraged because every step forward is going to help my family. I just feel the clock ticking, it is coming, what ever form "it" takes.

I really wish some media outlet would not let the government explanation go un investigated.  We cannot just sweep this incident under the carpet.  That along with the tweet from anonymous , the problems in Greece, and the real issues that China has going on, that we do not hear a word about in the media it seems.  Everything is ooookayy, according to "them"  dont worry, be happy.......

I may not worry, but I am not stupid, I can see the signs, and I am listening to the voice that is telling me be prepared be prepared.

Peace and Blessings
LTW

Insurance rant

I broke down and made an appointment with the Dr. who did the epidural injections in my back. I could not take the pain any longer. I had them about four years ago,maybe five, and after three of them I was out of pain, until now.  I doctored it for months, it is a birth defect in my back, that will probably eventually need surgery, but not until I have run out of options. Nothing is helping.  I made an appointment with said Dr. before vacation to get some type of pain relief so that I could enjoy my vacation, kayak, walk, you know, vacation stuff.  He gave me short term steroids and some pain meds and I made it ok.  I agreed to a shot because I am in so much pain that I would have said yes to anything.
That was a month ago.  As the day (today) came to get it done I started having such anxiety about the bill that I ended up cancelling the appointment.  I have been crying and angry since then.  I have insurance, if you want to call it that.  I know I have ranted about this before, but since Obama care,  my insurance is TERRIBLE, we have a NINE THOUSAND $ DEDUCTIBLE. So they do not pay anything until you have hit $9000.  I could not do it.  I could not go thru with burdening my family and myself with that bill.
So I called, cancelled and asked for a oral steroid.  I was in so much anxiety thinking about all the other things we need, and the money we don't have.  I decided that I will see if this will work as a short term patch.
I think this is what those idiots who wanted Obama care wanted. They wanted people to stop just going to the Dr to get fixed.  No more on demand health care for the middle class (which I think we are very very low middle class, you know paycheck to paycheck,now that we pay almost one paycheck to insurance we don't use, and only have in case of catastrophic illness).  No, but I know people personally that are getting surgery done on every ailment they have.  They are younger too.  I just turned 52. My Handsome is 54.  We are getting to the age where we are starting to have issues.  But we can't or won't get them fixed because we can't afford to.  Where are my subsidies?  Where is my hand out? Why do I have to live in pain, yet those who never even tried to get health insurance before this can get whatever they need?
My rant on many levels is based on this fact.  THEY COULD HAVE BOUGHT LOW COST HEALTH INSURANCE BEFORE!
I cannot stand when they say "well I could not get insurance before". Yes you could have. You could have bought insurance at anytime, but you said no, it was too expensive, so you opted out.  You chose not to purchase it.  Me, we chose to take jobs that offered it, and we PAID for it.  Yes we paid for it back then too, only they did not force this unreasonable deductible on us. They did not make it so that we have to chose food, mortgage or pain relief.  YOU chose not to buy insurance when you could have. Now the responsible people are paying for your idiocy.
I cry today. I cry because I cannot get relief unless I want to go into debt bigger than a small car. I cry because what will happen when I need more pain medicine? Am I going to be seen as a druggy? Or will they accept that Obama care has placed me in this situation.
Those of you, those who said they could not get insurance before, you did not care before because most did not have a house they could loose.  Well I do, and I cannot do the irresponsible thing and just run up a bill, because of the very real possibility of loosing my home.
So I suffer, and cry, and pray that this country will vote for the people who have the ability to help us.
Peace and Blessings
LTW

Another mans midlife crisis

I worked as a hairdresser for many many years.  It is a very hard industry to work in, it is very superficial, very competitive, and it is mostly women, and groups of women can be MEAN. I loved the creativity, but as the years went on, and my Christian life grew, I grew less tolerant of the awful things that went on around me.  The talking about people and whispers behind backs.  I also was going thru a terrible time with my youngest child and was dealing with depression, although at the time I did not realize that it was depression, I thought it was just my anxiety getting worse. I know though at the time that my boss was making my job harder and harder for me.  The story is long, and for another time, but she only hired me to make sure the salon I came from closed their doors, she hired all the hairstylists. At the time I was flattered, because we never really got along so well, not outright anger but we just did not interact. I did not pray before I took the job, and I should have because I know that God would have helped me in making the right decision.  A lesson I learned the hard way.....
Well to make all this shorter, her and I got into an argument and she fired me.  I have never ever been fired from a job, and this was a blow. Though this has nothing to do with the story, my firing was the BIGGEST blessing, I had prayed for years that a position would open up at my church, and three weeks after loosing my job, they called from the church and asked if I could temporarily fill in as they needed a person in reception.  Well I worked my butt off, and as a result, they kept me, and through hard work and God's blessing I am on the admin team and am the purchasing agent for the church as well.  I adore my job, everyone is a Christian, we all are working for the best boss there is, and we get paid for it! Little did I know that God was working it all together for my good.

Sorry for the rabbit trail lol.
 I was in the beauty supply store, and saw a lady I worked with at that salon, and found out my old bosses husband left her.  To say I was shocked would be an understatement, they were the "perfect" couple. They, to everyone around them, had the marriage everyone wants. My friend told me that he left her for another woman.  He turned fifty early last year. Although I am not friends with my old boss, my heart hurt for her. I know the devastation, the pain. It is a pain that unless you go thru this, you cannot even fathom. I told my friend that it sounds like he was having the classic mid life crisis, and I confessed to her Handsome and my issue. She was shocked to say the least, but I told her because I know that there can be reconciliation if both parties work very hard at it. In our discussion I mentioned that it seems to happen to men like my Handsome and her husband who were with their wives since high school. I think they hit fifty and think oh my I have never had another woman never experienced intimacy with another woman, and then they get weak.  This happened with a woman that he worked with, just like handsome. We spend so much time with people we work with , and it is very easy I think to fall into a relationship with the opposite sex at work. Unless you guard yourself against it, and I mean keep it right in the front of your mind, it can happen to anyone, even those who are happy. It is almost as if you lead a double life, your work life and your home life. Sometimes you can get to be friends and start sharing problems you may be having, the person lends a friendly ear, they always agree with you, because in reality the don't know you, so they do not have all the facts.  Then maybe you complain about your significant other one time, and that person totally understands you, so you bring more issues to them, and of course they always take your side.  You start to talk outside of work, maybe online or texting. It happens so very easy unless you guard your head and your heart, and I believe that you have to ask God to support you, to help you daily, to send the Holy Spirit to you when things maybe getting to personal. It happens so often, and it is heartbreaking to me.
I know that men and women are both capable of mid life crisis issues, but if you guard yourself, and know that at this time in your life you can be vulnerable, pray and ask for the strength to deal with things that may not be in your best interest, pray and ask God to let you see your spouse the way you did in the beginning, when your heart pitter pattered at the sight of him/her.
My old boss would not give me the time of day I am pretty sure, but I am praying for her just the same, the pain she is going thru is one I would not wish on any person on this earth. I even offered through our mutual friend that if she wanted to talk, I would be happy to talk to her about reconciliation and how it can happen even after an affair.
Friends, if you are unhappy in your marriage, please I beg you, go to your spouse, talk with them, even if it will cause some strife, be open be honest tell your spouse how you are feeling.  And pray, pray for the strength to resist becoming too close to the opposite sex at work.  Go to your spouse, they may not even realize you are having a problem but I can guarantee you that if you are honest with them and they see the depths of your issues they will want to work with you to fix it. Go to a counselor, or a pastor, work hard to save your marriage. Most of us made a vow before God, before you do anything, think to yourself is this situation so horrible that I want to break a vow I made to God?
M, I am praying for you today, that God will heal your hurt, and place the spirit of reconciliation in y our heart.
Peace and Blessings my friends
LTW

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sorry it has been so long.

Hello friends! I am sorry I have been away for so long, life has been so busy, I went to visit my family for a week, then of course you need a week to catch up from being gone for a week.
The weather today finally broke after 2 weeks of rain every.single.day. Fortunately for me it was not so much rain as to ruin my garden as it is all in raised beds, and my garden is going bonkers!  I planted all heirloom veg this year, I get them from rareseeds.com which is Bakers Creek Seeds.  I had 100% germination, which is really amazing and all of it is going great gangbusters.  I hope that I get a plentiful tomato harvest. I have read that sometimes heirlooms do not produce as many fruit as the hybrid, but we will see. I did not get my San Martzano tomatoes in, and they produce like mad for me.  I have 4 types, Cherokee Purple, Amish Paste ( which I hope produces like mad for canning), some kind of Genovese tomato, and Arkansas Traveler.  If any of you have experience with these types, I would love input. Also if anyone would like to trade seeds at the end of the year, I would love to do that as well. I so enjoy sharing plants from around the country.  I sent Kymber some of my forget me knots as well as a surprise or two for her rock garden, and she sent me Lupines which I will plant over the winter to put out next spring.  It gives me a great feeling of connection with my friends from other places.
I have also been eating baby bok choy and peas from my garden! I wish I had room to plant enough peas to put up, but that would require so many rows, so I plant enough to enjoy eating fresh from the garden.  They are perhaps my favorite fresh picked veg, well one of my favorites~lol.

My grand twins are still the joy of my life, they are starting to talk like gang busters, and man nothing is funnier than what comes out of a couple of 2 year old mouths.  They are the joy of my life and I treasure each moment with them. We are finally making progress, after four years of saving, on finishing our kitchen. I cannot wait for it to be done, I think I got used to living in a torn up house, and that should not be!  I am not picky, nor do I live in a "fancy" house, and let me tell you, the area I live in, the houses are RIDICULOUS. But we are so close to paying it off, which those fancy houses will probably never be paid off.  We hope that when we pay it off we can afford better health insurance, how sad is that. Instead of paying off our house and traveling, like we had hoped, we will use that money to pay for health insurance that will be MORE EXPENSIVE THAN OUR MORTGAGE. I pray every single day that they fix this mess that is Obamacare.

Handsome has seemed off lately. I am not sure what is up, he says everything is fine.  It is funny, when I started this blog, it was to deal with issues I was struggling with.  I have veered away from that some, as I have internet friends who now read, and I don't want to talk "badly" about my DH. But if I am to stay true to why I started this, it was to deal with things that spin around in my head and grow bigger and bigger until it is a huge problem.  I also believe that when we dwell on negative situations in our life, it is an open door for the devil to plant thoughts in your head, because we all know that the evil one wants to tear apart anything that God deems good, and marriage is good in the eyes of the Lord, and when we commit before Him to death do us part, and we honor God by honoring our vows, well the devil LOVES to ruin what God blesses. So that is another reason I started this, was to get it off my mind and my chest.  Every marriage has problems, and nobody is immune to that, be you Christian or not.  My problems stem from the issue of my handsomes emotional affair over five years ago. I get better and better at handling these issues as time passes, and I pray someday that I just never ever think about it, but that day is not now.  Surprisingly it is not the woman who I ever think about or worry about. It is the things said in the heat of anger that I hear in my head so often.  I know that he said these things to justify to himself that what he was doing was ok, but part of me ALWAYS worries that he was speaking the truth, the real inside him truth, but then when the dust settled that he stayed with me because of his obligations to family, because he knew his children would never see him the same way, than staying because he really realized that he did in fact love me and wanted to stay. This is my insecurity, and I deal with it every time I think that Handsome has something "wrong" He never really talks about emotions, never has, but one of the things we agreed in counseling was that he needed to tell me when there was a problem because I do not have the ability to read his mind. He agreed to that, and has done better about it, but I still feel at times he holds back with me. I have stated before that our intimate life has struggled as well, and that never helps things. I guess I throw that out here now because I have been having some insecure feelings lately.  Feeling like something is bothering him, even though he swears there is not. I promised God I would not dwell on these insecurities, and I am trying so hard. But I felt like maybe if I puked it all out on "paper" it would help to get rid of them. I know that life changes, that we change, that being together for over thirty years, well that makes changes in a marriage.  Funny thing though, if you asked either he or me who would we choose to spend time with, we would both pick each other, we are indeed best of friends, who really enjoy each other, make each other laugh, love adventuring together, get joy out of the same things. I guess what I am feeling is the passion is gone, not the love.
Uggg. I am sorry to have blathered on about it, but originally this was my intent, to get these feelings out in a way that helped me.  I also know that as my birthday comes closer I always struggle harder with these feelings, as the day my world fell apart was my birthday. I have dreaded them ever since, and try to go away and not even acknowledge it at all! We have been able to do it every year, he has taken me away on an adventure, but this year we cannot afford it, and it kinda scares me. I like to run away for my birthday, and I cant.

Anywho~!  I sincerely hope this finds my internet friends healthy ( waves at Mrs. PP) happy ( always miss Kymber!) And enjoying their gardens and summer!
Peace and Blessings to you...
LTW.....

sad, crazy dog lady

We have dogs.  Three dogs right now, all Australian Sheherds.  We have been raising or had Aussies for the last 15 years or so. Maybe you could call us crazy dog people, but they bring us such joy.
The hardest thing about owning a pet, almost any pet is the fact that you know they will not live your whole life, and odds are you will be tasked with ending their lives, for what ever reason.
Our first Aussie was just stunning but had immune system issues since her puppy hood. We took her to vets, changed foods, used steroids, and anything else that we could think of to try to help her, and at five years old, on the same day my nephew was killed in the war in Iraq, we had to put our beloved dog down. She told us it was time.  Little did we know that an hour after the decision and appointment was made we got a phone call that our nephew was killed by an RPG, he was 24.  When we took our dog to the vet we were a wreck. The family was scrambling to make all the arrangements that needed made for our nephew, life had suddenly put us in the news as it were. We went in with our dear dog, and held her and told her we loved her, and to go find our nephew who would be waiting with a frisbee for him. My Handsome WEPT over that dog, not just for the dog, but for the little boy who he used to chase around, the little boy who played with our sons, he wept for the future he would never have, and he wept over the best dog he had ever owned,
If you do not know Australian Shepherds, well, once you get one, you will never get another type of dog again.  They are so incredibly SMART, and they are biddable, meaning if they feel you want something of them, they will do whatever it takes to make you happy with them.  All my aussies were completely house broke in one week, if that.  I have had one aussie become a therapy dog, and I have had two canine good citizens. People also say that like potato chips you cant have just one lol, and that has proven true, with us.
About a month after loosing our nephew and best friend, we decided that we have been sad for a month, nothing was making us smile.  Soooo, we started the hunt for another Aussie.  We found our beautiful Bella at a dairy farm about an hour away, she was a true stock dog, and came from some wonderful lines.  We brought her home and found our smiles again.  Anybody who ever had a puppy knows that you cannot help but laugh and smile at their antics.
In the meantime I had met a woman with Aussies in my area, and she was familiar with my lines.  After much consideration, and testing, we decided to breed our black tri girl to her red merle male. We knew we wanted one dog out of the litter, and the stud owner wanted a male blue merle for her breeding program in the future.  Alas, our girl had NINE puppies and not one of them would work for the stud owner. That was probably the most fun 8 weeks our family ever had!  Nine roly poly little pups of all colors~then our poor girl got mastitis.  She recovered from it, but go pretty sick so we decided even though we wanted one more litter from her, that we would spay her because she really gave to the cause. Well because of that we could not help ourselves, it was our excuse to keep TWO pups lol. So we kept a beautiful red tri, and a lovely blue merle bitch, and we thought down the road, we would breed the girl or use our boy as a stud dog.  Well fate stepped in and our female we kept, developed epilepsy. As a result we spayed her, and our boy being a stud was taken off the table.
Well after 8 years of a valiant fight we put her down.  We spared no expense in helping her to live a good and as long a life as possible. We wept.
For a bit we kept ourselves at two dogs, but we noticed that our mama dog was slowing down significantly and our male was desperately missing his sibling, they played every single day.  Well I got an email some months later that there was an aussie litter in rescue and they were looking for experienced homes.  So what do I do? I call handsome, send him a picture, and he sends me on my way to go get our pup!  We know we will never have just one dog, dogs are pack animals and do much better in a pack, (its true really!) We had said we would wait until our mama dog was gone to get another one, but we noticed that our male was sad, like really sad.  He had nobody to run the yard with and chase birds lol.  Soooo we brought home a puppy. Our male was ticked off! We told him hey this little guy is for you!
So we are now a three dog family.
But our mama bear is not doing well.  She is twelve, and has terrible arthritis in her hips and back.  I am doing everything in my power to help her, she is on many medications to treat inflammation and pain, and they really seemed to help her be more comfortable.  But she has lost almost all muscle in her back legs.  She also has cataracts, and I think is getting slightly deaf. I wanted to let her live until she just died from old age, she has been such a blessing to us, she brought our smiles back, and gave us our beautiful puppies.
I left for work today, and she could not make it up the steps from outside.  She is still a happy dog, please dont think I am leaving her in pain, I would never do that.  I have had to put down many dogs, and I always wait for them to tell me. I dont think mama will tell me, I think she is still a happy dog, who just cant get around like she used to. I cried on my way to work.  I think the end will be soon, and much sooner than I wanted or expect. I wanted to let her just grow old and die, but I dont think that is going to happen, I think I will eventually have to take matters into our hands and that breaks my heart.
I am spoiling her rotten now, if she wants a bite of pizza, by gosh she gets it.  You want to ride in the car, come on!
Belly rubs, let me help you.
I want to make her remaining time as pleasant and fun as possible.
She gave us so very much in her life, the least I can do is spoil her rotten till the end of hers.





Peace and Blessings
LTW ( and mama bear)

no matter how old your kids are

No matter how old your children get, when they are hurting, you are hurting right along with them.  When someone has hurt them you hurt right along with them, you want to serve up retribution on a silver platter.  The mama bear does not go away, even when your kids are almost thirty.

My son called us last night. His debit card was hacked in FL, and they took most of his money. My son is a hard working husband and father.  He works so hard so his wife can stay home with the twins, he works a second job on Saturdays just to make ends meet, after working overtime at his normal job from 5 am til 10 am. He does not begrudge this at all, he wants his wife to be with the kids, and he is willing to sacrifice what ever it takes to do that, he knows it is only a few years that he needs to do this, as  it goes so fast. My boy suffers with anxiety like his mama does, and his anxiety got so bad over this he felt like he was gonna faint, and that makes my heart hurt. I know what that feels like, it is the most awful feeling in the world. He has so many responsibilities and this was just the icing on the cake for him. He said to me, why would they take from someone who has so little to spare.....
I know he should get his money back, but it takes time, time they do not have when paying bills and feeding a family.  Handsome and I will help as much as is possible. I just feel so bad for my first born, he is struggling to do the right things, and gets hammered as a result.

It is coming, I believe the more we are hacked and our id thefts are going up, it will be no time at all for the government or someone to propose some device that will be implanted in us so that there can be no id theft ect.
I fear that is coming.

 Did a bunch of planting this weekend, got most of my tomatoes in, peas and onions and potatoes are doing great, Planted my herbs, my bok choy and boston lettuces are doing well. I have melons in the front yard doing their thing, I decided that I have too many flowers in my front yard, and I have killer dirt out there, why not grow other things in there as well, like food! So in and among my perennial flower beds I have tomatoes and basil growing, a few pepper plants as well as the melons and pumpkins!

Life is moving along, faster every day.
Peace and Blessings
LTW

The "burden" on responsible men

I was talking with my oldest child, a son, and he told me of having panic attacks sometimes when thinking about caring for his family, wife, and 2 year old twins.  He owns a home ( well the bank still owns it) and they have 2 reliable cars.  His house is small and well within their budget, they were wise and did not listen to lenders who said they could borrow more.  My son is very frugal as we are.
We are all blue collar, my Handsome, and my 2 sons.  I wish that my children had chosen collage, but it was not to be, and they are such incredibly hard workers, that I never worry about them providing for themselves. My son and daughter in law are trying very hard to keep her home with the twins, and this has meant cutting back considerably, but to them it is worth it and I applaud their effort, many people say they cannot survive without two incomes. But I say nonsense, you can, you choose not to make the hard choices.  Now I do not want to cast a wide net, some really do need two incomes, there are circumstances I understand.  But my son bought a small inexpensive house so they could do this.  They do not have tons of stuff.  They hope to sell this house when the kids hit school and buy a slightly larger home, and that will be when DIL can have a part time job.  They sacrifice a lot to do this, but it is so very worth it.
But, I digress, when I spoke with my son about his anxiety attack, I told him that it is completely understandable.  HE is the one responsible for providing everything for his family, that is a huge responsibility, and yes sometimes a burden. It weighs him down sometimes, not because he is not able to do it, but he worries about the what if's.  I told him to talk with his father, as I could help counsel him, but I cannot put myself in his shoes.  Handsome took care of us, his family.  I went to work after #2 was in school, we lived ( and still do) in a very small house. Three bedrooms, one bathroom, and right now 4 adults, but at one time I had 2 boys in school, handsome, me and MIL using one bathroom.  Did it stink,( not actually lol) yes. But we lived well within our means which meant that one time when Handsome was out of work ( for 3 weeks , but we did not know how fast he would find a job) we knew we could both work 2 minimum wage jobs or deliver pizza or whatever to make it work, we could cancel so many "things" but we would not loose the roof over our heads.

So #1 son spoke to Handsome, and we both found out that Handsome did not sleep thru the night he said for 2 years worrying about having the money to care for his family. It is a huge responsibility for a man. I think we as women seldom can really understand the weight they can feel at times.  Now when we first bought our home, Handsome was not a Christian, so that I think handicaps a person, he did not have the knowledge that the Lord promises to take care of us, that we need to cast our worries upon him.  We both now are Christians, and he has seen God bless us over and over when we thought we might not make it. My son was raised a Christian, but I am afraid he has strayed from his faith.  I know he is saved, but right now he is not in a relationship with Christ, and that handicaps him.  He is taking all the worry on his back and not letting God help him carry the burden of worry. But I know he will be ok, he is an amazingly hard worker, with a good blue collar job.  He is a loving and caring husband, and such a beautiful father, he needs to look and see how much God is taking care of him!

I see so many single mothers that have no help with fathers of children, men who do not take the responsibility of raising those children, the opportunity to be blessed and to bless those children.  They run from the "burden" instead of manning up and doing what God equipped them for.  It breaks my heart especially because children learn what they live, and I fear for a generation of boys who are not being taught that when they have a family, they have a God given gift of providing for those people who depend on him, and they run from it. They are teaching that to the boys they bring into this world. We need good strong men, whether they are blue collar or not, to be teaching our boys that the responsibility is great on them, but it is a GIFT from God, and HE WILL care for them, He will let them cast their worries on Him, and He will equip them if they only turn to Him.

I pray for my husband and sons daily that their burden is lightened and they are free from anxiety.  I think all wives and mothers of boys need to let them express this fear, realize that more men I think feel this than actually say it out loud.  I am so thankful that my Handsome worked hard, sometime long long hours to provide for his family, and to do it so well that I never felt that anxiety.  He kept it to himself, which I wish he had shared, but at least now, I can recognize it and advise my sons.  Their father can advise them and hopefully they will go to God to get His advice.
If your husband makes it possible for you to be home, or to put a roof over your head, and feed you, and take that responsibility on himself we need to acknowledge it and pray for them.
I leave you with this

1 Timothy 3:1-7 ESV

The saying is trustworthy: If anyone aspires to the office of overseer, he desires a noble task. Therefore an overseer must be above reproach, the husband of one wife, sober-minded, self-controlled, respectable, hospitable, able to teach, not a drunkard, not violent but gentle, not quarrelsome, not a lover of money. He must manage his own household well, with all dignity keeping his children submissive, for if someone does not know how to manage his own household, how will he care for God's church? ...

Husbands, God is telling you that the task He gave you is NOBLE~live like you believe that!

Peace and Blessings

LTW

Tattoos

I am of an age that I certainly should not worry about what my mom thinks, but I do lol. For my whole youth, and young mother hood, and even when my children were teens, I was adamant about no tattoos. I had many reasons for it then, I was attending a very legalistic church, and that helped to influence my opinion of them.
When Handsome had his emotional affair my life was turned upside down.  As I moved away from the legalistic church many years ago, my attitude about tattoos had changed.  I had seen many beautiful ones, many professing faith, some fun ones.  Of course there will always be ugly ones, that say ugly things, but it is that freedom to choose which is a wonderful thing.
I was struggling so badly during this period, nothing in my life that I thought was the truth turned out to be lies.  Things I believed with all my heart, things I had faith in, turned out to be false.  When something like that happens it shakes you to your core, and makes you question so many other things.  I prayed, constantly for help in discerning the truth in my life , what could I truly believe.
Then I saw the answer.  The ONLY truth in my life, now and forever is GOD LOVES ME.  The only truth was Jesus SAVED me.  As I prayed and realized the truth of this I decided at 48 to get a tattoo, to mark it and proclaim it.  So I had a wonderful friend draw me a simple cross of nails and then had in big bold Hebrew letters Truth tattooed underneath it. Now I can truly say, had I gotten a tattoo when I was in my twenties, I would never ever put the thought into it that I had.  I can only imagine what might of ended up on my body lol.. This tattoo is under my hair on my neck and I can show it when I want to, or not if I do not. So my mother in all these years hasnt seen it.  But I broke the ice last year, I have a favorite card that my dad sent me before he died.  I have it on my mirror in my bedroom, and when I miss him (which is all the time) or when I am sad, I take it out and look at his signature to me and it makes me smile.  So I decided to have his signature blown up and tattoo on my inner right arm as well as the verse that I had inscribed on his tombstone ( not the whole verse but the reference) It is Isaiah:40 30-31

Even the youths shall faint and be weary,
And the young men shall utterly fall,
31 But those who wait on the Lord
Shall renew their strength;
They shall mount up with wings like eagles,
They shall run and not be weary,
They shall walk and not faint.



What an amazing promise, it was a verse I taped up for him when he had an open heart surgery.  As a result of that verse he loved eagles after that , and what the symbol represented to him.  That tattoo has brought me more comfort than I can tell you.  Well that one I could not hide from my mom, and when she saw it, she really said nothing about it lol.  Like seriously, what on earth can my mother do, I am over 50  lol.  But still when I visit, I never ever wear my hair up.  Well it is going to be hot this summer, and by golly I am going to wear it up.  I really am proud of my tattoo on my neck, it proclaims for all to see that I claim Jesus and the Cross to be the way the TRUTH and my light.

But a really cool thing happened at church the other week.  Our worship leader has tattoos, and a girl came up to her after services and said how glad she was to see someone in leadership with tattoos.  This girl used to play in her worship band at church, and had gotten a small and totally beautiful tattoo, and her church told her she could no longer use her God given gift to serve God, because she had a tattoo.  So she found our church, and when she saw our worship leader on the stage with her tattoos, she knew God brought her there.  She has a beautiful voice and has joined our worship team.  She feels loved and valued here.  What a shame her old church really lost out.  How many people make snap judgments based on a persons appearance, without knowing their heart.

I go see mom in two months, I will be wearing a high pony tail, and you know what, my mom will love me just as much as she always has.
Take time, learn a persons story before you judge them.
Peace and Blessings!
LTW

Onion snow

A little more than a week ago I was planting onions and peas.  Today it was snowing. ARGGGG
I want to garden so bad, all my tomato starts are going gangbusters as well as peppers and basil and some zinnia seeds.  I was getting ready to plant potatoes, but between the rain and the snow, that may not happen for another week.  I am jonzing for a good garden day!
So around here, when it snows after most people have planted their onions they call it an onion snow.  In different parts of the country it is called different things. I have heard of blackberry snow too.
Do you have a local term for the crazy snow that comes when it should be all over?
I am ready to play in dirt, how about you??

Want to make a correction

I think perhaps I was misunderstood in my post about baptism. I believe that baptism should be a full immersion , as it was for Jesus when He was baptized, and it also is a symbolic joining of the Death, Burial , and Resurrection of Christ.
When I said it was a heart matter, I was describing my brother in law.  He is physically incapable of being immersed in water, he is large and paralyzed over half his body.  In his case, I 100% believe that God knows BIL heart, and knows that if he could, he would have been immersed, but he was baptized just the same as the people who were immersed this past weekend.
I hope and pray to never argue about our faith, because as individuals we all make certain decisions based on the free will we were given. I hope that at its core, we all love the Lord, and that is the common string we carry.
Being baptized does not get you to heaven, a heart that turns to the Lord, and repents of his sins will be saved!
I hope you all have a blessed day!
Peace and Blessings
LTW

Amazing Sunday

I had an incredibly blessed Sunday!
I work for a large non denominational church, and we were having Baptism services at all three services this weekend.  As some of you may know, I think I have spoken about it, my Brother In Law (BIL) is in a nursing home near to my home.  It is a very sad and pathetic case, his wife abandoned him at the hospital after he suffered a third stroke.  She had quit caring for him, stopped buying his medicine and was not providing nutritious food for him. It was terrible and awful, and all I could do was offer to find a nursing home out by us (he lived over an hour from us) where we could at least pick him up to see his mom, and I could take him to church every week.  He is only 53...
Anyway, I asked BIL if he wanted baptized and he said YES!  He could not be fully immersed as the others were, but baptism is a heart issue, not whether you were able to go underwater. It was pretty amazing, he hugged the pastor ( he is paralyzed on one side, and cannot speak well) as he sat down in the wheel chair he said AWESOME! The whole church started clapping for him. It was a humbling moment, his life is so small, and the relationship he has with the Lord has grown amazingly, to him this was AWESOME!
The other very cool thing that happened was that my Pastor preached on Acts and explained baptism to the whole congregation, and opened the baptism up to anyone who had accepted Christ.  The church provided clothes, makeup for the ladies, underwear, anything that was needed so the person could be baptized if they wanted to.
Well over two HUNDRED people in three services came forward to be baptized~! We had over three hundred people baptized this weekend. And for every single person to be baptized the whole church cheered.  It was heartwarming and humbling watching all these people profess their faith like this.
Some days, because I work for a church, I forget to be at church, if you understand?  I have to make sure that I still come to worship and to listen to the Word.
Yesterday, I was at church, I was humbled and moved to tears at the amazing thing I was witnessing. It was a really wonderful service.....
And then to top the day off, I had the whole family for Sunday dinner, I try so hard to do this as much as possible, I want my grand babies to grow up going to Gamma's for dinner on Sunday....And nothing tops off a day like happy hugs from my sweet grands!
I also am finally able to put my tomato and pepper starts outside some to start hardening off some.  I think I thought I had more room than I really do, boy or boy do I have the tomatoes!!
I hope that your weekend was wonderful, and that this week brings you all joy~
Peace and Blessings!
LTW

My mother in law, pain, and dealing with the government.

I am so upset.
My mother in law lives with us, and has for 13 years.  I will be the first to say this has not been easy, not so much because of her, but the crap I have to deal with from his family.
No, it has been hard to loose our privacy, I have to be honest.  I sometimes think it lead to Handsome running away and having his affair.  I have to be honest, sometimes I have felt like running away from all of the responsibility.
Not today though.  My MIL is 87, has chronic diseases, too many to list.  The fact of the matter, they told me when she came to us that she would not last a year.  13 years ago. Somehow we have managed all her problems to at least keep her happy and out of a nursing home. As she has aged and gotten worse we enrolled her in a State program ( she is destitute, which is why she came to us), that is designed to keep people out of the nursing home, and help the family that is caring for the elder person.  I was having a terrible time keeping up with her appointments and my full time work.  Something was going to have to give, and I was afraid she was going to end up in a nursing home after all.  That is when we enrolled her, the caveat being, she had to be treated by their Dr,s in their center's.  She goes to the center twice a week for social interaction and therapy, and if she needs to see the dr or nurse, she can on those days.  It has been a big help.  Until now. And I don't know what to do.
She is in pain, terrible awful pain.  Pain that they are having a hard time "pinning down" because she is hard to talk to.  It is much too long of a story, but because of her LIFE until she came to us, she HAD to be compliant, so she answers any question with what she thinks you want to hear.  It is hard, very hard if you do not know her.
Yesterday I could not take it, I called them and insisted they see her that day, I would leave work and take her.  She is loosing weight rapidly, and looking awful.  She cannot sit from the pain, she cannot stand.  Now I understand that her health is frail. I understand that you cannot give her huge pain medicine BUT they are not giving her any pain relief.  They have diagnosed sciatica on both sides, which I don't believe is the cause, it is very rare to have on both sides.  I would like a colonoscopy, she has blood in her stool.  She is on 200 mg a day of gabapentin for pain, and that dose my friends is lower than the dose I am giving my 50 pound elderly DOG, plus the dog gets an anti inflammatory AND tramadol.  I asked the Dr Please cant you give her something for the pain, I hate seeing her at home in so much pain.  I said to the Dr ( an Indian Dr) that we are treating my dog better that we are treating MIL .  The Dr said to me well she is not a dog.  I told the Dr, I realize that but I am saying we are treating a DOG BETTER!  She said I do not want to give her medicine and one night she does not wake up. At this point I was MAD.  I said listen she IS going to die one night, she is dying right now.  She is old, has many chronic diseases and is going to DIE.
Why cannot they give her a Tylenol with codeine?  ANYTHING, Because friends, you have to increase the medicine this way, that is the way we have to do it.
Ah ha!
We are not treating a patient, we are going by the book that the government has laid out for treatment.
Take step x, then y.  Do not look at the patient as an individual, this is the way the book says do it. So I took the medicine, knowing that they are not giving her even the amount my DOG is getting and said, so when will this work, by when should she feel better. They said today, in one day.

Well I woke up and was getting ready for work, MIL came out hunched over and shaking from pain.  I asked how her night was, she slept a little better, but she cannot stand or sit, and was hunched over and miserable.
I told her to call the center, that they misinterpret me and think I am trying to put my MIL down?!
 I told her you call them, tell them you are still in pain, I will call from work and see how you are doing.
Folks, if she has cancer and was in hospice they would make her comfortable.  What is any different about the end of our life then.  She goes nowhere, she lives in our house, and loves on the dogs, and loves watching old movies. We know she is in the process of leaving this earth, just like we ALL are.  But she is closer than others. Why then can we not make her comfortable? Why can we not say, ok, so her life is small, and right now , she is being watched over by family, lets at least make her comfortable!
Ug, I am just rambling on now, but it is frustrating and hard to see someone in that kind of pain not being heard.
I pray so much that 2016 brings some changes to Obama Care, it has so screwed up our health care system.  We are no longer people, but a product, a thing to be treated according to their check list, and because she is in this program, she agrees to having to have their Drs treat her.  Maybe I made a mistake?
Say  a short prayer for her pain to ease if you are a praying sort?
Peace and Blessings
LTW

Little bit of this and that

Short post today, have so much going on!  I planted all my tomato and pepper seeds and I have about 95% germination rate so far!  I love Bakers Creek for all my heirloom seeds, they have an amazing array of seeds from all over the world.  Their seed catalog is FREE and it is a work of art!  I love getting it and just reading about all the different seeds.  They have people who travel all over the world getting and saving seeds. With all the GMO stuff going on, I have decided to use only heirloom seeds, I hope that I have as much success with them as I have had in past years. I am excited about some of the different varieties I am trying like Cherokee Purple Tomatoes and a Genovese tomato that looks beautiful!  I always do my Amish Paste tomatoes, they are amazing producers.  I am also trying Cherokee trail of tears black beans, I am excited to plant those this year as we all love black beans.  I have more seeds than room I think lol.
I hope that some day soon I can get out in the yard and clean up and maybe plant some peas and onions, but it is so very muddy.  We have a season between Winter and Spring here, it is mud season, and with three dogs, I HATE mud season lol. This has been a long cold early spring, I am itching to get my hands dirty, bu we may have some snow tomorrow night, sigh.

I am trying to make some summer time plans but it is proving hard to pin Handsome down, and it is starting to aggravate me. Handsome can be very passive aggressive and not give an opinion until you force it out of him, and I really don't like to do that, it is aggravating .  I so want to get something planned so I can start getting excited about it lol.  I am going to pin him down this weekend though one way or another.

There is some killer virus going around here that is just taking out people around me right and left.  It started with a sore throat and head ache, that went to a terrible cough and congestion. Handsome has been fighting it for three weeks now, #2 son has it and has been sick for 2 weeks, four people I work with have it, my mother in law is getting it, and so far I feel fine.  I hate saying that because I feel I am tempting fate, but maybe I am actually immune to this one!
Spring needs to just get here, I want to open windows and air out my house.  I have been going around it like a crazed woman with lysol spraying EVERYTHING~.

Are you all planning your garden yet?  Any seeds started??
Have a wonderful weekend!
Peace and Blessings!
LTW

Life and living

Oh my, are you all ready for spring?  I know I am, yet spring brings its own anxieties.  I have so many projects that I thought we would get done over the winter that we did not finish.  I have so many projects that are coming up that I feel like we are behind the eight ball already. We have all been sick with one thing after another and it has really done a number on getting projects done. I hate to ask Handsome and the Boy to work all weekend at home when they are both sick and worked all week. So things sit and I get more anxious. I hate anxiety lol.
The Boy has cellulitis, he got terribly sick before we realized that it was not the flu, he woke up and was so fevered, I just so happened to see his leg and O my goodness, I knew.  He is at the Dr now seeing if a week of strong antibiotics will be good enough or will he need IV antibiotics. I am praying that he only needs more strong medicine and not the IV's. He has missed a week of work, and that stinks as he has been saving hard, and will now have to dip into his savings.

I getting anxious to get in the yard and get some garden work going, but there is still a tiny bit of snow on my raised beds still, so I guess I must wait :(  I have found a great source of composted horse manure though, and as soon as it is thawed, we are going and getting some.  I have started some of my seeds in the house, and am waiting for my other seeds from Bakers Creek Heritage seed farm ( rareseeds.com)
This is one of the best places for non GMO all heritage seeds. I have visited the actual farm in Mansfield MO and met the people who own it and they are the most nice, and genuine people you would want to meet, check out their web site if you are a gardener you will love it.  Also, they print one of the  NICEST all color FREE catalogs out there.  Seriously, check them out, you wont be sorry! ( and no i get nothing from them lol)

Handsome and I are discussing a trip on the bike to the Great Smokey Mountains as well as the Cherokee NC area to ride some of the amazing roads they have down there.  Truly the Smokies and the Blue Ridge are two of the most beautiful places I have ever been to, and I really want to go back and spend more time on the bike there. I was thinking of renting a cabin, but I think we are going to totally wing it, we are going to just pack the bike and go in the direction we want, and stop when we find a place and ride when we want to move on.  This is to celebrate our 30th wedding anniversary.  We never had a honeymoon, and we used to talk about taking one to a tropical place, we both just adore road trips, and we love an adventure, so this trip sounds like more fun to us.  Maybe one day we will do the beach and tropics but for now, we are free wheeling on the open roads.  I love meeting new people, and seeing new places, finding the little hole in the wall diner that looks scary but puts out amazing food.  I am praying that everything fall into place that we can actually do that this year.

I just spoke to the Boy, and the doctor is going to give him a few more days on antibiotics and a recheck on Monday.  The redness is gone but there is still considerable swelling, if it is not better Monday they are going to do a doppler to maker sure there is no blood clot.  If you are the praying sort would you say a prayer that this heals well and quickly?

I promise to check in sooner, with everyone being sick, life has been CRAZY.
I hope that you are all healthy and happy,
Peace and Blessings
LTW

My thoughts on 50 Shades of Grey

I never read the book.  It seems as if everyone I knew was reading it and talking about it.  I just had no desire to read this book, and actually made a pact with myself, I would not read it.  It is not because of the sex in the book, I am no prude, and believe in all types of fun in a marriage bed, so that was not a problem.  If bondage is your thing, and both partners agree, then have at it!  I believe God made sex FUN for a reason, it should bond a married couple.  It should be exciting, it should be adventurous because during sex we are building love and trust.  We should be able to do and say whatever we want to our spouse.  God LOVES marriage, and tells us to celebrate it.  He even gave a book of the bible up for a guide to good married sex, Song of Solomon.  Go read it, if you read it in the New Living Translation, it is pretty plane to read, sex is fun and God wants that for us!
No, none of those reasons are not why I chose not to read it, and certainly will not go see the movie.
The reason is easy.  I have said before that if you look into your marriage, and have discontent, the evil one tries very hard to exploit that.  He uses those things to bring barriers and weakness to what God has deemed right and Good.
No what I fear would happen is that I (or any woman) would read of these unbelievable sexual exploits of these two beautiful people and think to myself "well why doesn't Handsome do those things, or say those things", and right there, you have opened the door to the devil getting in your head.  Or maybe you read that and decide that you want to try these things, again in marriage that is not a problem.  But what if your partner does not want to do something, or is uncomfortable doing something you read in a book or saw in a movie?  Could that open the door to "what if"?
I know for a fact, that if you open that door, and you live your life in a way pleasing to God, that the devil will try so hard to corrupt what God made beautiful.  So instead of looking at our marriage bed with contentment, we are suddenly saying "what if".  I know first hand that what if are a calling card for the devil to come in and play.
Maybe you are not a Christian and you are reading this because of my history of the affair in my marriage, and you have been there.  Let me tell you this is not so different for you.  If we take God out of it , what if you read that book, and want those things, but your spouse is not up for it.  Would you, in time, start thinking well I bet so and so would be "adventurous", or I bet her husband would do that for her.  This is discontentment, and it will breed on itself if you are not careful.  Our marriage beds are sacred, and what goes on in them is as well.  As couples we need to TALK out LOUD about our sex lives.  If you want to try things, talk to your spouse, and LISTEN to your spouse. If you want to read a book that helps read Sheet Music, wonderful book about a healthy, satisfying sexual marriage.
I happen to have a very good imagination, I don't need no stinking book lol~
Peace and Blessings!
LTW

I love the snow

I laugh every time we are supposed to get some snow. I don't know if it is like this everywhere, but the news starts gearing up about one or two days before.  They make half the news about an upcoming storm that "could" bring up to ( fill in the blank ).
Well where I live we got about 7 inches.  The roads stink but if you drive with some caution, they certainly are not impassible.  But my goodness, if you looked at the stores on Saturday, you would think people would be snowed in for a month lol.  Funny thing though, I had to go to Wally World on Saturday before the giant storm, and ironically, we needed toilet paper, milk and bread.  I looked at Handsome and laughed, I said now would you look at us, people are thinking we are part of the OMG crowd, and we weren't!  I just so happened that we needed these things on that day.
But, I think I will start stocking up on toilet paper lol.
Stay warm and enjoy the weather where you are!!
Stay safe,
Peace and Blesssings
LTW

State of the Union....

So just a quick update of the state of my mind, and our union, Handsome and I.  It seems that my anxiety about our marriage is finally getting better. I think I finally feel enough time has passed, that if Handsome truly was still unhappy, or trying to just "make it" in our marriage it would have come out by now.  We are at a happy place in our lives.  I have come to accept that Handsome will not, after this many years, be anything different that who he is.  He is not flowers and romance.  He is not a man of words.  He is a man of action tho, and he has been very clear on where his happiness lies.
A midlife crisis is a terrible thing, but boy do I see how they happen.  I have crossed the line, I am 51 this year.  I find myself sometimes wondering if this is what my life should have been, and wondering if I could have made better choices.  I can see how if you are slightly depressed, this could take you down a long and winding path of discontent.  I think that you need to be very very aware that if you start going  down the "what if " road, the devil can have a field day in your brain.  The evil one loves discontent, he plays in the muck and mire of it. For me, the way to continually arm myself against that is to "count my blessings, one by one".  The evil one cannot dispute you when you are thankful for the blessings you are given, and have been given.
Handsome opened the door on that discontent, and the evil one had a field day with him.  It was hard and soul crushing, especially for me at that time, but I think the passing years have been hard on him.  He has shame for what he did.  He is always struggling with forgiving himself.  He struggles how I forgave him.  But those struggles get less and less as the days go by.  If you live in forgiveness, it is easier to accept that forgiveness.
I have had to also learn to accept that I must let go of the past to be able to live fully in this moment.  If I open the door to discontent, why would I not expect the evil one to come in and fill my head with thoughts, if only handsome would say this, or do that? The exact same way he did to Handsome.

So now, I start my day and end my night with all the blessing we have.  How we have been provided for, how we have been taken care of during all the worst times.  Funny thing is, since I have done this, there has not been any what if thoughts.

I am happy.
Blessings and Peace
LTW

Anxiety.....and being Christian

Like everyone I have been incredibly busy with Christmas and the New Year.  I have had little time to sit and think, and less time to put those thoughts on paper.
I deal with anxiety.  I have always dealt with it.  For many years I did not have a name for it, but I felt like I was constantly going to burst at the seams.  Anxiety takes many forms, in some it can be a rapid heart beat, in others they loose their breath.  Some people are anxious about unknown things, some people are anxious because of the state of the world around them.  Many people with anxiety deal with depression as well.  I have anxiety, and I have dealt with depression as well.
I have taken medication for many years, and it has helped tremendously. BUT.... I still have anxiety.

This is what my anxiety looks like, and feels like on a daily basis.  I cannot stop.  I cannot relax.  If I find myself sitting on the couch, it creates anxiety in me. I MUST BE DOING SOMETHING, every minute of every day, until I collapse in bed.  IF I sit, I feel an extreme form of restlessness, which then progresses to a feeling I like to call "superman in the phone booth".  Do you remember superman?  He used to go into a phone booth, rip open his shirt at the chest and out would pop his superman outfit?  Well take that picture and make it rip open your chest and just let the anxiety POP out.  It is so hard to explain to so many people.  But in looking back on my life, I have struggled with this since I was a child.  I remember rocking back and forth in my bed, on my knees with my head on the pillow just wanting to get rid of the feeling.  Honestly I cannot even say what triggers it for me.  There are normal times when you should have anxiety, for me high places, or bridges.  I understand that anxiety.  What I do not understand is the anxiety for no reason.  So I struggle with this.  I take a daily medicine, and xanax one time a day, but still have break thru anxiety.  So I proceed to beat myself up.  Why?

I am a Christian.  The bible tells us to "cast all our cares on Him, and He will care for us".  I promise, I cast my cares on Him, but still I have anxiety.  What does that mean?  Does it mean I am not letting go of my anxiety?  Does it mean I do not trust God to take it away? Does He want me to suffer with it?  If so, to what end?
I have struggled for years with this question.  I think though that in this new year, I am not going to struggle with that question anymore.  For whatever reason, this is my lot in life.  God knows it, and He allows it, and I will learn the reason one day when I reside in Heaven.  But until then I have to STOP beating myself up, I have to STOP thinking I am a failed Christian.  I am not.  I do cast my cares on Him, somedays are easier than others. I pray to con core this one day at a time, with the Love of God shining on me.

I am a Christian, I love the Lord, and I have anxiety.

Peace and Blessings
LTW