Early in my writing I spoke of the book "The Five Love Languages". This book opened new doors of understanding for me in how to love and how I need to be shown love. This book and the web site opened the window on why I am constantly hugging Handsome. Or why I always am the one to kiss him. Physical touch is a main love language for me. If I do not get that physical touch, I do not feel loved. I have told Handsome this, but I still am the one who always reaches out first for affection.
I have tried to not be the first one to reach out, but after a few days with no physical affection, I cannot go without, and I reach out for it.
I will talk with Handsome about it, and he will be ok for a few days, but then reverts back to me doing the touching just so I get my love fix. It hurts me, truthfully, but I am not sure at this stage of the game that Handsome will ever change his ways.
But this book did help me. It helped me recognize so many things about how and why I love, and how and why Handsome does what he does.
This is the web site http://www.5lovelanguages.com/
check it out, I firmly believe this book should be required reading for all people who are engaged. I believe had I had this information back when we were younger, it would have changed so very much about our lives.
The other book I recomend to all husbands and wives is
http://smile.amazon.com/How-We-Love-Discover-Marriage/dp/1400072999/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1417020371&sr=8-1&keywords=how+we+love&pebp=1417020374374
I am reading it now, and it is eye opening. Truly explaining so many things about the differences in Handsome and I and why we love the way we do. Very very good book.
I know when I started this blog, I spoke of my husbands emotional affair and the tole it took on me. I still struggle, not every day, but I still have moments of wondering whether we made the right choice, my self esteem will probably never be the same. But, I know that Handsome does love me, and I know that I love him, and I know we both love God, and we want to honor that love and commitment. It will be thirty years this year, and frankly, neither of us can picture life without the other.
Marriage is hard. There are so many steps, there are so many hills and valleys. We grow and change, life changes, children change, everything changes.
If you hold on to the reason you love, you can weather those changes, you can ride the waves instead of being overcome by them.
God promises us that in this life there WILL be trouble, He never said it will be easy. He did say that if we honor and trust Him, He will make our path straight. He will not leave or forsake me.
If you are married read the Five Love Languages, even if you are so deliriously happy you could never see any issues. It is eye opening. It is a short read that will open so many eyes.
I wish all of you a very Blessed Thanksgiving.
Peace and Blessings
LTW
Wednesday, November 26, 2014
Monday, November 17, 2014
Extended Family, and the new family unit.
So in our house, we care for my mother in law, who moved in with us thirteen years ago. My youngest child also lives at home, he/she is in their early twenties. Now I will say, I never ever thought that MIL would be here this long. NEVER. But regardless, she is still here. It has seriously had repercussions in my marriage , and it took a very long time to get used to, but she is not really a problem and in my family, family takes care of family if at all possible. Handsome has other family members, but trust me, they have nothing to do with the care of their mother. She is lucky that they call her twice a year, it is sinful, and I finally this year called out the worst offender. They do not talk with us anymore as a result. My post today does not really have to do with my mother in law, but with my child that is living at home.
I read an article today speaking about how kids are living at home longer. I posted it on facebook, and really did not expect to see any comments on it. Wow was I wrong. It elicited a very lively conversation between people who are friends. The article came from the positive aspects of having a child at home, but my friends, some who have kids, some who do not commented how awful and lazy she was. How she was not learning about life. She had a boyfriend, but they did not live together, and she was staying home until the timing was right or marriage. This started me thinking, how many people think we are wrong for letting our child live at home still? How many would just boot their child out the door at 18 or if they did not go to college? My parents did that to me. I love and adore my parents, but what they did, did not help me. It gave me a very rough start in life. I had to move in with my now husband. We struggled for years. Juxtapose that against my oldest child, who we let live at home til they were prepared. they stayed at home, later got engaged, and then got an apartment. they married, they bought a house, and two years later had kids.
It was a blessing to child number one, and a blessing I have no problem with child number two. They do learn responsibility! They do learn about caring for others~, no person can live in our house with out being productive and working and sharing the load.
We enjoy our time with our child. This child is a huge help in caring for our mother in law. If this child did not take that responsibility seriously, handsome and I could never get away for a break or a trip.
It makes me wonder if our country may be going back to a time not long ago when the extended family was not a curse but a blessing.
I am curious what you think, maybe I am completely off base here, but I do enjoy having my family close to me!
Blessings!
LTW
I read an article today speaking about how kids are living at home longer. I posted it on facebook, and really did not expect to see any comments on it. Wow was I wrong. It elicited a very lively conversation between people who are friends. The article came from the positive aspects of having a child at home, but my friends, some who have kids, some who do not commented how awful and lazy she was. How she was not learning about life. She had a boyfriend, but they did not live together, and she was staying home until the timing was right or marriage. This started me thinking, how many people think we are wrong for letting our child live at home still? How many would just boot their child out the door at 18 or if they did not go to college? My parents did that to me. I love and adore my parents, but what they did, did not help me. It gave me a very rough start in life. I had to move in with my now husband. We struggled for years. Juxtapose that against my oldest child, who we let live at home til they were prepared. they stayed at home, later got engaged, and then got an apartment. they married, they bought a house, and two years later had kids.
It was a blessing to child number one, and a blessing I have no problem with child number two. They do learn responsibility! They do learn about caring for others~, no person can live in our house with out being productive and working and sharing the load.
We enjoy our time with our child. This child is a huge help in caring for our mother in law. If this child did not take that responsibility seriously, handsome and I could never get away for a break or a trip.
It makes me wonder if our country may be going back to a time not long ago when the extended family was not a curse but a blessing.
I am curious what you think, maybe I am completely off base here, but I do enjoy having my family close to me!
Blessings!
LTW
Monday, November 3, 2014
The death of Brittany Maynard
I am so saddened and horrified by the death of Brittany Maynard. I truly believe that she was exploited by the right to die people. My feelings on this are personal, I watched with my husband , our best friend of over thirty years die of the same thing that Brittany had.
But because of watching how our dear friend died, I know for a fact that someone gave that poor girl false information. Someone, I believe the right to die people, filled her head with scenes of her end that were untrue, that were lies to further their agenda.
I will give you a brief rundown of the death of our best friend.
S was in the prime of his life, 2 young teens, one older son graduating collage. He and his wife were jogging one day, when S got winded, and started talking to his wife in gibberish. She immediately took S to the hospital and within a day they were given a death sentence for S. He had the worst type of glioblastoma possible, with no hope of cure, and they gave him very little time. Six months. They gave him a death sentence, but they DID NOT tell him he was going to die a horrible death. They gave him treatment options that may give him more time, and he wanted that time, he wanted to make memories with his children, he wanted to get everything in order for his wife, so that when the time came he could die in peace knowing he did all he could to ease his families suffering when he was gone. They took time, they made memories, wonderful memories. He watched his daughter go to her first formal dance, and preform on the stage in our city, a big stage, with a Broadway troupe. He watched his son as he became better and better at the sport he loved, hockey. S's son was going to make his dad proud, and he went out and played the best hockey of his young life, so good in fact, that the pro's started scouting him with in a month of his fathers passing. At 15. A freshman in high school. His wife and he had a romantic getaway. Was S in pain? Some, but the truth of the matter is that brain cancer is NOT that painful. The brain does not feel pain the way the rest of the body does. Yes, S was heavily medicated against seizures, and yes, he lost his words. But he was living every minute God gave him.
When I heard Brittany Maynard say that she was told she was going to die with terrible awful pain, by a Dr. I KNEW no Doctor told her that. Not one Doctor would tell a patient that they were going to die a horrible death, because first brain cancer is not as painful as other cancers, and second, hospice exists so that you do not have pain at the end. I digress, let me finish S's story.
At one year, we celebrated with champagne and blueberry pie the fact that the Dr's were wrong, and S not only was alive, but he was enjoying his time with his family.
S did start to fail at sixteen months. He was still up with his family, still met his children at the door after school, but at that point he needed someone to be with him, to make sure he did not have a seizure or fall. We all volunteered, and I was there on Wed, my day to hang out with S and help out. When I got there, I knew. S was in the process, in the final process of dying. I called his wife, told her that it was time to call hospice. She knew, but was having such a hard time accepting the fact that the time was coming to an end, that she could not face it. But S did not want to die at home, because of his children. So the decision was made that he would enter hospice that evening when a room became ready. S walked to the car with us all around him. S walked into hospice. In the three days that followed he said a final goodbye to his children, told them he loved them, hugged them, loved them.
S slowly lost consciousness, did he have pain? Not much, they gave him morphine. Did he have anxiety? Surprisingly no, he had accepted what would happen. They gave him Valium to help keep him relaxed. On the third day, his wife was in his bed and told him she would be ok. That he had done such a good job of preparing them, that they would be ok. She told him he was the love of her life, that he had made life worth living. Then she told him it was ok to go.
S died five minutes after that.
I believe that Brittany Maynard was exploited by the right to die people. Not one Doctor would have told her what she said, that she would be in agony. But the right to die people would have told her that. It would scare a young woman who had not lived enough years to gain the wisdom to make this decision. I was haunted in her interviews that she was focusing on the fact that medicine had made her gain weight, she was "horrified" by the way she looked! That broke my heart. Those words spoke of a young woman who was not making a decision based on wisdom, but on fear.
Fear of looking bad, fear of loosing control.
I do not believe she was a Christian, she never said a word about Gods comfort. My heart aches for her. I have witnessed the death she may have had, and she could have had so much more time to spend with her family, preparing them, giving them memories that they could hang on to.
This death opens a door that we as a society should not be opening.
My heart hurts for the days that Brittany threw away.
Peace and Blessings
LTW
But because of watching how our dear friend died, I know for a fact that someone gave that poor girl false information. Someone, I believe the right to die people, filled her head with scenes of her end that were untrue, that were lies to further their agenda.
I will give you a brief rundown of the death of our best friend.
S was in the prime of his life, 2 young teens, one older son graduating collage. He and his wife were jogging one day, when S got winded, and started talking to his wife in gibberish. She immediately took S to the hospital and within a day they were given a death sentence for S. He had the worst type of glioblastoma possible, with no hope of cure, and they gave him very little time. Six months. They gave him a death sentence, but they DID NOT tell him he was going to die a horrible death. They gave him treatment options that may give him more time, and he wanted that time, he wanted to make memories with his children, he wanted to get everything in order for his wife, so that when the time came he could die in peace knowing he did all he could to ease his families suffering when he was gone. They took time, they made memories, wonderful memories. He watched his daughter go to her first formal dance, and preform on the stage in our city, a big stage, with a Broadway troupe. He watched his son as he became better and better at the sport he loved, hockey. S's son was going to make his dad proud, and he went out and played the best hockey of his young life, so good in fact, that the pro's started scouting him with in a month of his fathers passing. At 15. A freshman in high school. His wife and he had a romantic getaway. Was S in pain? Some, but the truth of the matter is that brain cancer is NOT that painful. The brain does not feel pain the way the rest of the body does. Yes, S was heavily medicated against seizures, and yes, he lost his words. But he was living every minute God gave him.
When I heard Brittany Maynard say that she was told she was going to die with terrible awful pain, by a Dr. I KNEW no Doctor told her that. Not one Doctor would tell a patient that they were going to die a horrible death, because first brain cancer is not as painful as other cancers, and second, hospice exists so that you do not have pain at the end. I digress, let me finish S's story.
At one year, we celebrated with champagne and blueberry pie the fact that the Dr's were wrong, and S not only was alive, but he was enjoying his time with his family.
S did start to fail at sixteen months. He was still up with his family, still met his children at the door after school, but at that point he needed someone to be with him, to make sure he did not have a seizure or fall. We all volunteered, and I was there on Wed, my day to hang out with S and help out. When I got there, I knew. S was in the process, in the final process of dying. I called his wife, told her that it was time to call hospice. She knew, but was having such a hard time accepting the fact that the time was coming to an end, that she could not face it. But S did not want to die at home, because of his children. So the decision was made that he would enter hospice that evening when a room became ready. S walked to the car with us all around him. S walked into hospice. In the three days that followed he said a final goodbye to his children, told them he loved them, hugged them, loved them.
S slowly lost consciousness, did he have pain? Not much, they gave him morphine. Did he have anxiety? Surprisingly no, he had accepted what would happen. They gave him Valium to help keep him relaxed. On the third day, his wife was in his bed and told him she would be ok. That he had done such a good job of preparing them, that they would be ok. She told him he was the love of her life, that he had made life worth living. Then she told him it was ok to go.
S died five minutes after that.
I believe that Brittany Maynard was exploited by the right to die people. Not one Doctor would have told her what she said, that she would be in agony. But the right to die people would have told her that. It would scare a young woman who had not lived enough years to gain the wisdom to make this decision. I was haunted in her interviews that she was focusing on the fact that medicine had made her gain weight, she was "horrified" by the way she looked! That broke my heart. Those words spoke of a young woman who was not making a decision based on wisdom, but on fear.
Fear of looking bad, fear of loosing control.
I do not believe she was a Christian, she never said a word about Gods comfort. My heart aches for her. I have witnessed the death she may have had, and she could have had so much more time to spend with her family, preparing them, giving them memories that they could hang on to.
This death opens a door that we as a society should not be opening.
My heart hurts for the days that Brittany threw away.
Peace and Blessings
LTW
Monday, October 13, 2014
Is this "thru the Church?"
When we do something for another human being, why are we asked "is it thru the Church"? Meaning, did the church arrange for this, or did you get the churches help? What happened to us being the church? What happened to being the feet of Jesus? As we grow in our faith, are we not supposed to live out the blessings we have been given by blessing others in the same way God does us?
It was described to me as a river. The blessings you receive should come to you, then flow forth thru you to others "downstream" for lack of a better word. I have been blessed. Not as much as other people maybe, but surly better than some. No matter how much or little we have, someone will always have more, but more importantly to this illustration , there are ALWAYS those who have less. As we grow in Christ, I think we become more aware of those who have less. I think if we are growing in Christ, this is a natural progression. I think that if we look at the world thru the "eyes of Christ" we see so many needs, so many hurting people. Are we not tasked with loving others better than we love ourselves? This is all what I have been taught in my journey called Christianity.
Why then do good Christian folk, people whom I admire, and who I KNOW love the Lord, ask me, "is this (fill in the blank with a kindness, or a need for someone) thru the church? Meaning did the church find this need for you? Did the organize the help for the need? Does the Pastor's know about this? Is this a Mission thru the church?
NO.
NO.
No. Kinda....
this mission is thru the church. I AM the church. If you are a believer, YOU are the church. We form the church. The Pastor, or the building, they are not the church.
Folks, I firmly believe we are entering a very difficult future. I see things getting so much worse for so many people. If we are left here to spread the good news, then it is up to us to BE the church. LOOK for the needs of others. Find a place that God wants you to work, and work there. If God says to you "these folks have a need" then fill it if you can. You know when God lays something on your heart, just listen to Him, He will provide the means for it to be carried out.
Do I help people "thru the church" Yes. I do.
But we are to reach out to those around us, those who have a need that we can fulfill. That makes us the church, right?
Blessings and Peace
LTW
It was described to me as a river. The blessings you receive should come to you, then flow forth thru you to others "downstream" for lack of a better word. I have been blessed. Not as much as other people maybe, but surly better than some. No matter how much or little we have, someone will always have more, but more importantly to this illustration , there are ALWAYS those who have less. As we grow in Christ, I think we become more aware of those who have less. I think if we are growing in Christ, this is a natural progression. I think that if we look at the world thru the "eyes of Christ" we see so many needs, so many hurting people. Are we not tasked with loving others better than we love ourselves? This is all what I have been taught in my journey called Christianity.
Why then do good Christian folk, people whom I admire, and who I KNOW love the Lord, ask me, "is this (fill in the blank with a kindness, or a need for someone) thru the church? Meaning did the church find this need for you? Did the organize the help for the need? Does the Pastor's know about this? Is this a Mission thru the church?
NO.
NO.
No. Kinda....
this mission is thru the church. I AM the church. If you are a believer, YOU are the church. We form the church. The Pastor, or the building, they are not the church.
Folks, I firmly believe we are entering a very difficult future. I see things getting so much worse for so many people. If we are left here to spread the good news, then it is up to us to BE the church. LOOK for the needs of others. Find a place that God wants you to work, and work there. If God says to you "these folks have a need" then fill it if you can. You know when God lays something on your heart, just listen to Him, He will provide the means for it to be carried out.
Do I help people "thru the church" Yes. I do.
But we are to reach out to those around us, those who have a need that we can fulfill. That makes us the church, right?
Blessings and Peace
LTW
Wednesday, October 8, 2014
Got to meet some wonderful folks!
I got to meet a longtime author of a blog that I read, and her family this past weekend. Can I say, Phelan and her family are wonderful people! They live in a beautiful holler, that she has very accurately described, gorgeous, yet challenging , quiet and restful for the soul. Handsome and I were glad to meet her lovely family, her quiet hard working husband, and three ( can't say cute) teen boys.
They seem like great kids, and all seem very loving towards each other. They are a team, you can see it in them all. Phelan and her husband were so welcoming to handsome and I, and really who are we? We were strangers, and trusting a stranger you meet on the internet, come on really? But she welcomed us with open arms.
The land they have chosen is so beautiful, and I can see how it spoke to her soul, and that of her husband. There are endless possibilities on that land. That is part of the problem, is that they are endless. I could feel the weight of it on her and her husband. But things are looking up for them. They are actively getting power to the house this week, and that alone will help so very much. They will have insulation in their walls this winter, and their ceiling is up.
But there is a ton of work ahead of them.
Kymber of " Frambois Manor" helped to set up a "go fund me" account to help them get power, and they reached that goal with the help of wonderful people. There is more to be done though. So I am posting ( I hope lol) a link to the account.
If every person felt the need to help one person, this world would be a much better place.
Give thanks for every single thing you have. Whether it is little or plenty. Give thanks.
My mother said her mother told her that life is hard, and this past week, she said "LTW, grandma was right, life is hard.
It is hard. But we can make it just a tiny bit easier with a little bit of effort on our part.
Blessings and Peace to you
LTW
http://www.gofundme.com/e8g26c
They seem like great kids, and all seem very loving towards each other. They are a team, you can see it in them all. Phelan and her husband were so welcoming to handsome and I, and really who are we? We were strangers, and trusting a stranger you meet on the internet, come on really? But she welcomed us with open arms.
The land they have chosen is so beautiful, and I can see how it spoke to her soul, and that of her husband. There are endless possibilities on that land. That is part of the problem, is that they are endless. I could feel the weight of it on her and her husband. But things are looking up for them. They are actively getting power to the house this week, and that alone will help so very much. They will have insulation in their walls this winter, and their ceiling is up.
But there is a ton of work ahead of them.
Kymber of " Frambois Manor" helped to set up a "go fund me" account to help them get power, and they reached that goal with the help of wonderful people. There is more to be done though. So I am posting ( I hope lol) a link to the account.
If every person felt the need to help one person, this world would be a much better place.
Give thanks for every single thing you have. Whether it is little or plenty. Give thanks.
My mother said her mother told her that life is hard, and this past week, she said "LTW, grandma was right, life is hard.
It is hard. But we can make it just a tiny bit easier with a little bit of effort on our part.
Blessings and Peace to you
LTW
http://www.gofundme.com/e8g26c
Thursday, October 2, 2014
getting to meet a blogger I admire, going to a homesteading neophytes homestead Sat!
So excited. In a one week time span, with me not even home, I have managed to line up clothes, blankets,shoes ,and wood to help finish walls. What I love is seeing God provide it. I planned this as I was flying out to visit my family. I had no idea where I would come up with money or goods to bring. But thru the week, many friends have donated clothing, blankets, shoes, medicine. All things I wanted to bring, but wasn't sure I could afford. I prayed that God would honor his purpose for prodding me to go. I should know after fifty years if God says go, He WILL open the doors if I get out of His way.
And he did.
I am so excited to meet my friend Phelan and her gang. Get to hang out, do some work, have a camp fire, and just talk.
I'm so excited.
And Kymber and Jam, thank you....
I will take plenty of pix to share if she wants.
Have a blessed and peace filled day.
Much love LTW
And he did.
I am so excited to meet my friend Phelan and her gang. Get to hang out, do some work, have a camp fire, and just talk.
I'm so excited.
And Kymber and Jam, thank you....
I will take plenty of pix to share if she wants.
Have a blessed and peace filled day.
Much love LTW
Monday, September 29, 2014
Going to Kentucky, with an ache in my heart(who can name the song)
Ok folks, handsome and I are going to KY this weekend to help our friend Phelan. I am trusting God will provide the material in some way, because it's Him prodding me Togo.
Many of you have had hard times. Think about living in a house that is just outside walls. Think about how cold last year was.
I am asking anyone wbo reads, to pray for us to succeed, God pushed me on this adventure, I know He will provide. But please pray we can help them not be cold.
Peace and blessings
Let
( @
And yes I know it California in the song, work with me lol
Many of you have had hard times. Think about living in a house that is just outside walls. Think about how cold last year was.
I am asking anyone wbo reads, to pray for us to succeed, God pushed me on this adventure, I know He will provide. But please pray we can help them not be cold.
Peace and blessings
Let
( @
And yes I know it California in the song, work with me lol
Thursday, September 25, 2014
PLEASE A dear homesteading friend needs out help!!!
If any of you read http://a-homesteading-neophyte.blogspot.com/ then you know she has had a very rough year.
There is now a go fund me account, you can find it on Framboise Manor- Kymber and Jamby blog. My heart is truly breaking for this sweet girl. They have had set back after set back. When they moved east it was supposed to be easier, and they are having such a hard time.
I don't normally ask for money or things, but I am PLEADING WITH YOU ALL, if you have $1 or $5 or $10 or $100, could you go to the go fund me site and pledge for her
http://www.gofundme.com/e8g26c
even after meeting her goal, could we all send a few bucks, because they need walls, they need insulation, they need running water.
So I am asking that you prayerfully consider giving to her cause. I have even sent care package boxes with things to help.
They aer a wonderful family, husband and three great kids.
Please go help her.
Remember we are to help the downtrodden.
Peace and Blessing to you all
LTW
There is now a go fund me account, you can find it on Framboise Manor- Kymber and Jamby blog. My heart is truly breaking for this sweet girl. They have had set back after set back. When they moved east it was supposed to be easier, and they are having such a hard time.
I don't normally ask for money or things, but I am PLEADING WITH YOU ALL, if you have $1 or $5 or $10 or $100, could you go to the go fund me site and pledge for her
http://www.gofundme.com/e8g26c
even after meeting her goal, could we all send a few bucks, because they need walls, they need insulation, they need running water.
So I am asking that you prayerfully consider giving to her cause. I have even sent care package boxes with things to help.
They aer a wonderful family, husband and three great kids.
Please go help her.
Remember we are to help the downtrodden.
Peace and Blessing to you all
LTW
Monday, September 15, 2014
One of my "Questions for God"
I know when I meet God in Heaven, there will be no questions, because we will all be praising His great Name, but if I could ask a question, this is one that I would definitely ask Him.
"Why God in your great and mighty wisdom make man and woman's libido sooooo different in our later years"?
I know I probably lost many of you. That is ok. Praise God if this is not a problem in your life. But I know in speaking with many women my age, it seems that they are having the same issue.
This also impacts many who are going thru reconciliation at that time in their lives. There are many ways that this impacts people, but if you are feeling even slightly insecure in your relationship, this certainly does not help.
It is a fact that most men seem to slow down in their later years, and it seems like it starts in the fifties for men. There are many reasons, physical, mental, stress, or your body because of the aging process is not manufacturing testosterone like it once did.
Now women on the other hand ( and remember this is in my informal research lol) before they hit menopause seem to go thru a time when they feel like a teen aged boy. This seems to be my problem, and yes, it is a problem. You would think well what is wrong with that? Men would say woo hoo, isn't he a lucky guy? Well no he is not a lucky guy. He is stressed, and he is tired, and he has more work around the house that either of us knows what to do about it. I asked Handsome about this, his answer was, "I never even think about it anymore" ouch. "It has nothing to do with you" huh?, then the best one, "The more stress you put on me the worse it gets" Now please don't get me wrong, I totally understand that men slow down as they age, and that things change. I am ready willing and able to deal with all those changes, I even spelled it out! So I try not to push, or make any pressure on him in that area.
BUT, I on the other hand am a woman who is slowly regaining her footing after a terrible period in our lives. I am trying to get to the place that I was BEFORE, ( you all know the before word, especially if you have or are going thru an emotional affair.)
Part of my healing is him showing me and reassuring me that he does indeed love me, that he is indeed where he wants to be, not where he should be. I want, like any woman to be desired and loved.
He says it is not me. He is not disappointed in what he sees, that it has nothing to do with me. But it does have a whole lot to do with me, and it is hard to make him see that.
It is just another question that I would like to ask God when I get there, and let me tell you , I have a bunch!
I hope all are well and being blessed.
Peace and Blessings. LTW
"Why God in your great and mighty wisdom make man and woman's libido sooooo different in our later years"?
I know I probably lost many of you. That is ok. Praise God if this is not a problem in your life. But I know in speaking with many women my age, it seems that they are having the same issue.
This also impacts many who are going thru reconciliation at that time in their lives. There are many ways that this impacts people, but if you are feeling even slightly insecure in your relationship, this certainly does not help.
It is a fact that most men seem to slow down in their later years, and it seems like it starts in the fifties for men. There are many reasons, physical, mental, stress, or your body because of the aging process is not manufacturing testosterone like it once did.
Now women on the other hand ( and remember this is in my informal research lol) before they hit menopause seem to go thru a time when they feel like a teen aged boy. This seems to be my problem, and yes, it is a problem. You would think well what is wrong with that? Men would say woo hoo, isn't he a lucky guy? Well no he is not a lucky guy. He is stressed, and he is tired, and he has more work around the house that either of us knows what to do about it. I asked Handsome about this, his answer was, "I never even think about it anymore" ouch. "It has nothing to do with you" huh?, then the best one, "The more stress you put on me the worse it gets" Now please don't get me wrong, I totally understand that men slow down as they age, and that things change. I am ready willing and able to deal with all those changes, I even spelled it out! So I try not to push, or make any pressure on him in that area.
BUT, I on the other hand am a woman who is slowly regaining her footing after a terrible period in our lives. I am trying to get to the place that I was BEFORE, ( you all know the before word, especially if you have or are going thru an emotional affair.)
Part of my healing is him showing me and reassuring me that he does indeed love me, that he is indeed where he wants to be, not where he should be. I want, like any woman to be desired and loved.
He says it is not me. He is not disappointed in what he sees, that it has nothing to do with me. But it does have a whole lot to do with me, and it is hard to make him see that.
It is just another question that I would like to ask God when I get there, and let me tell you , I have a bunch!
I hope all are well and being blessed.
Peace and Blessings. LTW
Monday, September 8, 2014
This is a big problem
I am seeing a trend in women my age. In some ways, it validates my feelings, in other ways, it frightens me.
When our nest empties ( or almost empties) we realize that for the first time in a long time our marriage is now only about us. Our home is about us. What we do for entertainment is about us. Whatever we do now, is about us. For more years than I can count, we focused on our children. We were a united front with our children in common. But now, what do we do.
I have a dear friend, who is dealing with this. My heart aches for her, she was crying that her and her husband could be room mates. I believe I have said that before.
Now things between Handsome and I are going really well. with some counseling we saw where some changes needed to be made, and how our focus needs to change. Slowly but surely we are turning it around. Except for certain areas, which are probably health related, we still have issues there. I have just had to accept it is not because of me, but a health related issue that if it bothers him enough he will fix. I have had to accept that , and realize that yes I am still attractive, and still have much to offer, if you understand my meaning.
But Handsome and I both realized that we needed to also find outside interests, things we could do together, and things we could do alone, or with friends. That has been a blessing. We both look forward to doing our own hobbies ( for me pottery, for him slot car racing and bowling.), and we both love planning our events together as well. For so long we just sat around watching tv and growing old. I am not old, and my marriage was going to improve, I was not going to spend my life in a stagnant marriage. So we intentionally worked on it.
I am praying for my dear friend, I asked her to pottery with me. I also told her the best thing we did was get counseling that helped us communicate better..we forgot how somewhere along the bottle, diaper, school, soccer, boy scouts time of our life how to talk with each other, rather than at each other. We had to intentionally feed our marriage. It is taking time, but I am seeing improvements. I am trying to be patient, and God is honoring that in my life, things are good.
I think this is epidemic among empty nesters, I think we need to speak out, say it is nothing to be embarrassed about, but it needs to be talked about, it needs to be front and center. We sometimes need to fight for what we want in our lives, but if it is something you know will benifit you as well as your spouse, then go for it.
I am praying for all you women and men in this situation.
Peace and blessings
LTW
When our nest empties ( or almost empties) we realize that for the first time in a long time our marriage is now only about us. Our home is about us. What we do for entertainment is about us. Whatever we do now, is about us. For more years than I can count, we focused on our children. We were a united front with our children in common. But now, what do we do.
I have a dear friend, who is dealing with this. My heart aches for her, she was crying that her and her husband could be room mates. I believe I have said that before.
Now things between Handsome and I are going really well. with some counseling we saw where some changes needed to be made, and how our focus needs to change. Slowly but surely we are turning it around. Except for certain areas, which are probably health related, we still have issues there. I have just had to accept it is not because of me, but a health related issue that if it bothers him enough he will fix. I have had to accept that , and realize that yes I am still attractive, and still have much to offer, if you understand my meaning.
But Handsome and I both realized that we needed to also find outside interests, things we could do together, and things we could do alone, or with friends. That has been a blessing. We both look forward to doing our own hobbies ( for me pottery, for him slot car racing and bowling.), and we both love planning our events together as well. For so long we just sat around watching tv and growing old. I am not old, and my marriage was going to improve, I was not going to spend my life in a stagnant marriage. So we intentionally worked on it.
I am praying for my dear friend, I asked her to pottery with me. I also told her the best thing we did was get counseling that helped us communicate better..we forgot how somewhere along the bottle, diaper, school, soccer, boy scouts time of our life how to talk with each other, rather than at each other. We had to intentionally feed our marriage. It is taking time, but I am seeing improvements. I am trying to be patient, and God is honoring that in my life, things are good.
I think this is epidemic among empty nesters, I think we need to speak out, say it is nothing to be embarrassed about, but it needs to be talked about, it needs to be front and center. We sometimes need to fight for what we want in our lives, but if it is something you know will benifit you as well as your spouse, then go for it.
I am praying for all you women and men in this situation.
Peace and blessings
LTW
Monday, August 18, 2014
On Christians and Depression
I waited a little to write this out after Robin Williams death. I for one thought he was incredibly funny. I did not agree with much of his politics but he did make me laugh. I knew he was an addict, and was struggling most of his life with that. I did not realize his depression though.
I was at work in the aftermath of his death, talking with co workers about it. Now I work at a large Non Denominational church, so the people I am talking with are all confirmed Christians. What I heard from a few of the younger people floored me. Now they are full of the spirit of serving and living a life pleasing to Christ, and I love love love seeing that in the younger generation. But they also have much to learn about life in general, lol.
One young man said, "well if he had the Lord, this wouldn't have happened".
I said what do you mean by that? He told me if he had the Lord, he could have cast all his cares on Him, he (robin williams) could have given his anxiety over to the Lord, and he would not have had a problem.
Wait, what????
In love, I turned and told him that many devout, loving, serving Christians suffer with depression. They suffer with anxiety. They do cast their cares on the Lord, over and over and over again. It helps, certainly , to know that God has a plan in all the mess, that He will be there in the end for you, but it does not magically end the anxiety or depression. This attitude among Christians is what is driving many Christians to feel as if they failed, or are not "good enough" for God to get rid of the depresssion and anxiety. On top of the problems they are having, they now feel like "failed Christians" because the Lord wasnt enough to stop the problem, so it must be that I do not believe enough, or havent prayed enough, or any of a thousand reasons the Lord is not taking this away.
Sometimes, in times of real anxiety and/or depression, people will self medicate. They do this to try to stop the pain and anxiety. Now you add to the feeling of failure, you failed at being a christian because you did not cast your worries on Him, and NOW you are doing something you know is not what the Lord wants, but you justify it because it does help temporarily to ease the pain.
But then it comes back.
This happened to me. I tried just treating the symptoms for years. I told myself that the Lord would take this away from me in His time. Until then I must just suffer through. My family paid, my marriage paid, my job paid.
Then one day the world around me collapsed. I thank God for my doctor, I fell apart in his office while I was taking my mother in law to him for a check up. He asked if I was ok, and BAM the flood gates opened and I just bawled and broke down, and I mean broken.
He hugged me and said please let me help you. I had spoken to him before about the anxiety, I only wanted a medicine to take at the time of the anxiety, but I systematically refused to take and anti depressent for some strange reason. But on that day, I would do anything to get help. I hadn't slept in months, I lost weight. It was aweful. So I agreed to the antidepressant. After 4 days I felt my mind clear, after two weeks I could eat. He brought me in and asked how I was doing, and I told him how amazing I felt, but that I still was not sleeping. He said I want to up your dose, and I freaked out a bit. He said I want you to sleep at night, try this for two weeks, if you do not feel better yet, and get sleep we will back it down.
Lo and Behold, after three days of the higher dose I was sleeping, all night long!
And guess what, God still loved me, and I loved Him , no changes in that.
I was not a failed Christian, but a stubborn one. He had been sending me help every time I went to the Dr., but I did not see it as that. I saw it as being weak. Until I was so overcome with weakness that I accepted the help that I now see was sent by God so long ago, but I did not recognize.
So please, if you are a Christian and need help, ask for it. You are NOT a failed Christian for asking for help, it does not mean that you are not good enough, or that you are paying for something.
On the flip side, if you are a Christian, and see a brother or sister suffering, pray for them yes, but do not think for a moment that they have done something wrong. Help them, hug them and say, Can I help you?
Sister, Brother, you are not alone, reach out for the help that is out there. The first step is the hardest. After that, its all down hill.
I think that Robin Williams felt like he had failed. Like he wasn't good enough to stop feeling these feelings, that he deserved it. He didn't, nobody does.
Peace and Blessings,
LTW
I was at work in the aftermath of his death, talking with co workers about it. Now I work at a large Non Denominational church, so the people I am talking with are all confirmed Christians. What I heard from a few of the younger people floored me. Now they are full of the spirit of serving and living a life pleasing to Christ, and I love love love seeing that in the younger generation. But they also have much to learn about life in general, lol.
One young man said, "well if he had the Lord, this wouldn't have happened".
I said what do you mean by that? He told me if he had the Lord, he could have cast all his cares on Him, he (robin williams) could have given his anxiety over to the Lord, and he would not have had a problem.
Wait, what????
In love, I turned and told him that many devout, loving, serving Christians suffer with depression. They suffer with anxiety. They do cast their cares on the Lord, over and over and over again. It helps, certainly , to know that God has a plan in all the mess, that He will be there in the end for you, but it does not magically end the anxiety or depression. This attitude among Christians is what is driving many Christians to feel as if they failed, or are not "good enough" for God to get rid of the depresssion and anxiety. On top of the problems they are having, they now feel like "failed Christians" because the Lord wasnt enough to stop the problem, so it must be that I do not believe enough, or havent prayed enough, or any of a thousand reasons the Lord is not taking this away.
Sometimes, in times of real anxiety and/or depression, people will self medicate. They do this to try to stop the pain and anxiety. Now you add to the feeling of failure, you failed at being a christian because you did not cast your worries on Him, and NOW you are doing something you know is not what the Lord wants, but you justify it because it does help temporarily to ease the pain.
But then it comes back.
This happened to me. I tried just treating the symptoms for years. I told myself that the Lord would take this away from me in His time. Until then I must just suffer through. My family paid, my marriage paid, my job paid.
Then one day the world around me collapsed. I thank God for my doctor, I fell apart in his office while I was taking my mother in law to him for a check up. He asked if I was ok, and BAM the flood gates opened and I just bawled and broke down, and I mean broken.
He hugged me and said please let me help you. I had spoken to him before about the anxiety, I only wanted a medicine to take at the time of the anxiety, but I systematically refused to take and anti depressent for some strange reason. But on that day, I would do anything to get help. I hadn't slept in months, I lost weight. It was aweful. So I agreed to the antidepressant. After 4 days I felt my mind clear, after two weeks I could eat. He brought me in and asked how I was doing, and I told him how amazing I felt, but that I still was not sleeping. He said I want to up your dose, and I freaked out a bit. He said I want you to sleep at night, try this for two weeks, if you do not feel better yet, and get sleep we will back it down.
Lo and Behold, after three days of the higher dose I was sleeping, all night long!
And guess what, God still loved me, and I loved Him , no changes in that.
I was not a failed Christian, but a stubborn one. He had been sending me help every time I went to the Dr., but I did not see it as that. I saw it as being weak. Until I was so overcome with weakness that I accepted the help that I now see was sent by God so long ago, but I did not recognize.
So please, if you are a Christian and need help, ask for it. You are NOT a failed Christian for asking for help, it does not mean that you are not good enough, or that you are paying for something.
On the flip side, if you are a Christian, and see a brother or sister suffering, pray for them yes, but do not think for a moment that they have done something wrong. Help them, hug them and say, Can I help you?
Sister, Brother, you are not alone, reach out for the help that is out there. The first step is the hardest. After that, its all down hill.
I think that Robin Williams felt like he had failed. Like he wasn't good enough to stop feeling these feelings, that he deserved it. He didn't, nobody does.
Peace and Blessings,
LTW
Wednesday, August 6, 2014
very sad situation
I have some things going on with extended family that are making me very sad, and very frustrated. A member of our family is being hurt by actions that were not hers, but her mothers actions. Her mother is so stubborn, and I am sorry but MEAN, that instead of doing what needed done to make sure her daughters wedding was beautiful, with all her family there, she continued to say mean and terrible things about me. When Handsome was shown what she said about me, he tried calling her, she would not answer. So he was very angry and said you cannot talk to LTW like that, and if you insist on this, we will NOT be coming to the wedding.
We never heard another word from wicked witch of the east after that he left that message. So we assumed that she would tell her daughter, that we were not coming. We did not expect her to tell the truth, but at least mention to daughter we cannot come. There are long standing issues here, and her daughter chose to ignore these issues and pretend all is well. The wedding is this weekend. I got a message from the bride saying "you are still coming right?" Now, the thing is, that I am the bad guy to her mother, she is angry with me.The reasons are selfish and if she said the reasons out loud, she may realize that she sounds crazy, but she makes her own reality and always has.....
I told her to call her mother. She then got back to me, and of course her mother made a different reality, and her daughter is mad with us because we are choosing not to come. I had to tell her what happened, and why. She told me, I am staying out of this situation with you and mom. I told her that because of the foul and awful things she said, uncle Handsome wants an apology from Wicked Witch mom.
She blames us.
Again, I am the bitch, the bad guy. I am the selfish one.
You know, I have only let the wicked witches mother live with me and care for her for THIRTEEN YEARS. So yeah, I deserve the anger on her part.........not.
But ultimately I am sad that we cannot be there, I was excited and happy to go. The bride was excited to have her whole family around her.
And now we are the ones feeling bad again..
Peace and Blessings.
We never heard another word from wicked witch of the east after that he left that message. So we assumed that she would tell her daughter, that we were not coming. We did not expect her to tell the truth, but at least mention to daughter we cannot come. There are long standing issues here, and her daughter chose to ignore these issues and pretend all is well. The wedding is this weekend. I got a message from the bride saying "you are still coming right?" Now, the thing is, that I am the bad guy to her mother, she is angry with me.The reasons are selfish and if she said the reasons out loud, she may realize that she sounds crazy, but she makes her own reality and always has.....
I told her to call her mother. She then got back to me, and of course her mother made a different reality, and her daughter is mad with us because we are choosing not to come. I had to tell her what happened, and why. She told me, I am staying out of this situation with you and mom. I told her that because of the foul and awful things she said, uncle Handsome wants an apology from Wicked Witch mom.
She blames us.
Again, I am the bitch, the bad guy. I am the selfish one.
You know, I have only let the wicked witches mother live with me and care for her for THIRTEEN YEARS. So yeah, I deserve the anger on her part.........not.
But ultimately I am sad that we cannot be there, I was excited and happy to go. The bride was excited to have her whole family around her.
And now we are the ones feeling bad again..
Peace and Blessings.
Tuesday, July 29, 2014
Just a few goings on
Well today has nothing to do with handsome and I other than to say things have been pretty darn good!! We have been enjoying each others company, talking, reminiscing. It has been very nice. No feelings of insecurity have reared their ugly head in the past week or so. We had a lovely time at camp, even though it rained every night. It rains every time we camp, so I was not surprised lol.
I figured today if I can figure it out I may put in some pictures of my garden. or at least some produce. I have had a great garden year so far, at least until it turned 70 degrees for a HIGH temp here, which is NOT summer weather. I worry now that all my tomatoes will not ripe without some warm nights. My peppers which were eaten by aphids at first are finally coming back, but they do not like the cool weather and will probably quit producing. Now the beans, they are going CRAZY! And I am still picking beans.
The county farm show is going on next week, and I am going to enter a bunch of stuff. I used to enter so we got a free ticket to get in, but I have some nice produce and flowers, so I decided to enter anything I can, hey top prize in each category is $4!!!!!!!
I always have fun at the farm show, no I do not ride the scary rides, or even not scary rides, but I love looking at all the great produce and quilts and animals. It is right up the street from me, which is even nicer! So all and all, this has been a nice week or so. I hope that you are having a good week too. Whether it is in your garden or in your marriage.
I pray for any here who are struggling in their marriage, that they can do the hard work that will help to restore it.
Peace and Blessings.
LTW
I figured today if I can figure it out I may put in some pictures of my garden. or at least some produce. I have had a great garden year so far, at least until it turned 70 degrees for a HIGH temp here, which is NOT summer weather. I worry now that all my tomatoes will not ripe without some warm nights. My peppers which were eaten by aphids at first are finally coming back, but they do not like the cool weather and will probably quit producing. Now the beans, they are going CRAZY! And I am still picking beans.
The county farm show is going on next week, and I am going to enter a bunch of stuff. I used to enter so we got a free ticket to get in, but I have some nice produce and flowers, so I decided to enter anything I can, hey top prize in each category is $4!!!!!!!
I always have fun at the farm show, no I do not ride the scary rides, or even not scary rides, but I love looking at all the great produce and quilts and animals. It is right up the street from me, which is even nicer! So all and all, this has been a nice week or so. I hope that you are having a good week too. Whether it is in your garden or in your marriage.
I pray for any here who are struggling in their marriage, that they can do the hard work that will help to restore it.
Peace and Blessings.
LTW
Thursday, July 24, 2014
When you feel better about yourself, you feel better all the way around
Handsome and I have been having a great week. We are going away for our 20th annual "Christmas in July" camping trip! We now are going with our grand babies. This is a group of people who we have gone with for 20 years, faithfully, watching our kids grow up. What makes us both feel great is the fact that are grown kids choose to go every year with their parents. Quite frankly, Handsome and I both know we would not have hung out with our parents in our late teens and early twenties, but our kids do. We treasure that. And the excitement for me is crazy because my twins are going to see it for the first time in their little lives. Although I told my kids, don't be surprised if they don't sleep like they do at home, and if they melt down its ok. There will be plenty of "grands" and "aunts and uncles" there to help with the chores. Then on Saturday night a big "Snow Ball" dance, with all the campers. It is cheesy great fun.
And that is what has been happening, we are having fun again together. Real smile and enjoy ourselves fun. No second guessing , no wondering if he wants to be where he is, because it is readily apparant he does.
We are planning a trip on Route 66, the whole thing. We have this amazing future we are again looking forward too.
Today.
My prayer is today that this continues, that my demons are behind me. But for today, life is GOOD>
And that is what has been happening, we are having fun again together. Real smile and enjoy ourselves fun. No second guessing , no wondering if he wants to be where he is, because it is readily apparant he does.
We are planning a trip on Route 66, the whole thing. We have this amazing future we are again looking forward too.
Today.
My prayer is today that this continues, that my demons are behind me. But for today, life is GOOD>
Tuesday, July 15, 2014
sorry for the break
I have been insanely busy of late. My MIL came home from rehab, our basement flooded and life is just crazy right now.
My last post, I was so excited~ We had such a wonderful time together. We saw beautiful sights, rode on crazy mountain roads, and bonded. We stayed in an old cheap motel, and reminisced about how we used to pick up and take trips, sometimes with no destination in mind, just go and see what is out there. We have always shared a wanderlust between us. We one time when our First Born was three, we decided on a whim to go to Assategue Island and camp for a week. No reservations, no knowledge of where we would go if it that did not work. We went in blind, but it worked out, and we had one of the most memorable trips we have ever had. We made such great memories, that we still to this day share.
So this quick y trip was something we love to do. It also did wonders for my head. By that I mean, I was pretty tortured about being home and "celebrating" my birthday. We had kids over for the 4th, no cake, just a picnic. We all went to watch the fireworks, it was great fun. I adore the times my whole family are together, as does Handsome. I can see him looking around and smiling. We talk when they leave about how we made great kids. We had great family fun.
When Handsome suggested going somewhere I jumped on it, said lets go~! And also can we stay the night, go on an adventure? Handsome was very happy to accomodate. People, he was wonderful, thoughtful, kind and generous. I felt LOVED people~! I felt valued, I felt that consideration was taken for me.
It was just what I needed in other words, and Handsome KNEW it. ( how could he help it though after my crazy outburst)
When you decide to reconcile your marriage after an affair, one of the things I have found is I have a overwhelming desire to create new AMAZING memories. Because for a long long time, you have "before the affair memories" and "after Dday" memories. This weekend goes into my vault of new wonderful memories.
I write in this blog to offload some of the feelings I have to deal with. I worry that Handsome sounds like this ogre of a man, that all of you wonder how I live with. He isn't , he is incredibly thoughtful, an amazing father, one of the hardest working men I know. He has worked so hard to provide for his family, he supported me in every decision about staying home to raise our kids after working with the first baby. He loves me. I know you may be shaking your head, but he does.
MY struggle is wanting to be loved in the way I want. I became so very needy after the affair, I am trying to dig my way out of that. I want to be secure, safe, and loved. Today, this week, I feel that way. Today I am excited about our future, today I am making plans for our future, and so is he!
We are planning a bucket list trip, to ride/drive all of route 66 from Chicago to the Santa Monica Peir. This to me is so exciting~! This is the future, and Handsome is EAGERLY planning for US to go on the trip of our life. His eyes light up, and I get excited, looking up websites and places to stay and eat. We put our heads together and dream of an exciting time we will share in our future. We both feel BLESSED. Both of us.
If I can give one piece of advice if you try reconciliation. Look around at your life, and see what things made you both happy. Do those things. Not the way you used to do them, but make new memories. These new memories will slowly replace ones that may be sad. Not completely but they sure do help me.
I pray that if there is anyone here that is going thru the trials of recovery from an affair can come here and see they are not alone. That they are not crazy for these thoughts of insecurity. That normal will have a new definition, and that it is ok. I root for your marriages, I truly believe if there is a way to save your marriage you should try to save it. Marriage has become way to disposable these days.
So if you are in the thick of it, know that I pray for you. I pray whenever I write my crazy words that if one person comes here I hope that I can be of help. I pray for your marriage, I pray for you.
Peace and Blessings
LTW
My last post, I was so excited~ We had such a wonderful time together. We saw beautiful sights, rode on crazy mountain roads, and bonded. We stayed in an old cheap motel, and reminisced about how we used to pick up and take trips, sometimes with no destination in mind, just go and see what is out there. We have always shared a wanderlust between us. We one time when our First Born was three, we decided on a whim to go to Assategue Island and camp for a week. No reservations, no knowledge of where we would go if it that did not work. We went in blind, but it worked out, and we had one of the most memorable trips we have ever had. We made such great memories, that we still to this day share.
So this quick y trip was something we love to do. It also did wonders for my head. By that I mean, I was pretty tortured about being home and "celebrating" my birthday. We had kids over for the 4th, no cake, just a picnic. We all went to watch the fireworks, it was great fun. I adore the times my whole family are together, as does Handsome. I can see him looking around and smiling. We talk when they leave about how we made great kids. We had great family fun.
When Handsome suggested going somewhere I jumped on it, said lets go~! And also can we stay the night, go on an adventure? Handsome was very happy to accomodate. People, he was wonderful, thoughtful, kind and generous. I felt LOVED people~! I felt valued, I felt that consideration was taken for me.
It was just what I needed in other words, and Handsome KNEW it. ( how could he help it though after my crazy outburst)
When you decide to reconcile your marriage after an affair, one of the things I have found is I have a overwhelming desire to create new AMAZING memories. Because for a long long time, you have "before the affair memories" and "after Dday" memories. This weekend goes into my vault of new wonderful memories.
I write in this blog to offload some of the feelings I have to deal with. I worry that Handsome sounds like this ogre of a man, that all of you wonder how I live with. He isn't , he is incredibly thoughtful, an amazing father, one of the hardest working men I know. He has worked so hard to provide for his family, he supported me in every decision about staying home to raise our kids after working with the first baby. He loves me. I know you may be shaking your head, but he does.
MY struggle is wanting to be loved in the way I want. I became so very needy after the affair, I am trying to dig my way out of that. I want to be secure, safe, and loved. Today, this week, I feel that way. Today I am excited about our future, today I am making plans for our future, and so is he!
We are planning a bucket list trip, to ride/drive all of route 66 from Chicago to the Santa Monica Peir. This to me is so exciting~! This is the future, and Handsome is EAGERLY planning for US to go on the trip of our life. His eyes light up, and I get excited, looking up websites and places to stay and eat. We put our heads together and dream of an exciting time we will share in our future. We both feel BLESSED. Both of us.
If I can give one piece of advice if you try reconciliation. Look around at your life, and see what things made you both happy. Do those things. Not the way you used to do them, but make new memories. These new memories will slowly replace ones that may be sad. Not completely but they sure do help me.
I pray that if there is anyone here that is going thru the trials of recovery from an affair can come here and see they are not alone. That they are not crazy for these thoughts of insecurity. That normal will have a new definition, and that it is ok. I root for your marriages, I truly believe if there is a way to save your marriage you should try to save it. Marriage has become way to disposable these days.
So if you are in the thick of it, know that I pray for you. I pray whenever I write my crazy words that if one person comes here I hope that I can be of help. I pray for your marriage, I pray for you.
Peace and Blessings
LTW
Sunday, July 6, 2014
what a wonderful weekend.
Handsome did it. He gave me a beautiful weekend. We went on adventure when he got off work Sat, and we took the bike and went somewhere beautiful. We spent the night in a hotel, and then hiked and rode the bike on lovely roads.
He gets it. He got it.
He made me forget.
We made new memories, to hopefully erase the other one. I'm smiling.
Peace and blessings
He gets it. He got it.
He made me forget.
We made new memories, to hopefully erase the other one. I'm smiling.
Peace and blessings
Tuesday, July 1, 2014
the voices in my head
I think that most people would say that in an affair, be it emotional, or physical, that the most harm comes from the thought of our spouse with another person. That must be the hardest part most people think. Maybe for some it is the hardest part, but not for me.
Oh sure, I definitely had a very hard time with her. I compared myself to her, looks, personality all of it. But I found it much easier to let her go.
What I cannot get rid of so easily is the voices in my head. No, I am not crazy yet, lol. By the voices in my head, I mean the words that were spoken between Handsome and I when Dday first happened. Many marriage infidelity sites will tell you that the wayward person will make up their own version of the past, to justify in their mind that what they are doing is ok, because the person they are married to is just the worst person ever. They say hurtful things, to try to make themselves feel better. Those are the voices I hear. Those are the voices that I just have such a hard time getting rid of. These are the voices that I want to replace with words of affirmation, words of love.
Handsome doesnt quite get how I cannot put those words behind me. He promises he did not mean them, but I still hear them.
I think this week is bad too, because my birthday is upon us. And I would give any amount of money to be anywhere but here, but that is not to be. So I will continue to slay my dragon voices. I will cling to the man I love, and pray that he works hard to help me over come these voices.
I pray to God to put a different voice in my head, His voice.
It will get better, it has gotten better. I have faith.
I just wish my birthday would go away.
Peace and Blessings
Oh sure, I definitely had a very hard time with her. I compared myself to her, looks, personality all of it. But I found it much easier to let her go.
What I cannot get rid of so easily is the voices in my head. No, I am not crazy yet, lol. By the voices in my head, I mean the words that were spoken between Handsome and I when Dday first happened. Many marriage infidelity sites will tell you that the wayward person will make up their own version of the past, to justify in their mind that what they are doing is ok, because the person they are married to is just the worst person ever. They say hurtful things, to try to make themselves feel better. Those are the voices I hear. Those are the voices that I just have such a hard time getting rid of. These are the voices that I want to replace with words of affirmation, words of love.
Handsome doesnt quite get how I cannot put those words behind me. He promises he did not mean them, but I still hear them.
I think this week is bad too, because my birthday is upon us. And I would give any amount of money to be anywhere but here, but that is not to be. So I will continue to slay my dragon voices. I will cling to the man I love, and pray that he works hard to help me over come these voices.
I pray to God to put a different voice in my head, His voice.
It will get better, it has gotten better. I have faith.
I just wish my birthday would go away.
Peace and Blessings
Wednesday, June 25, 2014
Oh dear, what a week
Where do I begin???
Well I have spoke of my in laws, my sister and brother in law, my mother in law who lives with me. Well the wicked witch of the east (yes she is a REAL witch) has done some real damage to our family. She said awful things about me, that are #1 untrue and #2 show her to be the ungrateful woman she is. I have taken care of her mother for 13 years. She rarely comes for a visit, and the last time she did, it was after 4 years of not visiting, and we had to make her feel guilty to come see her mother when she was hospitalized 3 times in a month. Her mother is going down hill fast. I do not really expect her to live a whole lot longer. The kicker is, she is only 5 1/2 hours away. I live 15 hours away from my mother, and visit 2x every single year. I talk to my mother a couple times a week. She wont even call.
Well she stirred up the whole family, wrote a note calling me vile names, and Handsome read it. Well, Handsome really stood up for me, and has been really really wonderful thru this! At this point in time, I do not know if we will ever speak to them again.
And his mother is in the hospital again, going to a rehab home. Over night she lost the ability to walk. We have stairs in our older 1940's house. If she cannot do stairs she will have to go to the nursing home, and we were trying hard to avoid that....:(
Then on top of all this, we had a flood in our basement. We have lived here for 20 years, and never a drop of water in the basement, ever. So when Handsome's mother came, we built a bedroom in the basement for our son, who gave up his room for his gma. So yup, all of it is gone. Thankfully we could save electronic things, but lost so much. We spent the past thirty six hours or so trying to pitch everything, rip up carpet, and just try to make it habitable again. It is so damp where I am at, that nothing wants to dry. This coupled with the grief we are getting from his family is leading to some heavy weight landing on my shoulders.
Young son said, look on the bright side mom, we have been wanting to clean out the basement. lol his is correct, but I did not want to clean everything we had out of it, and into the trash! Oh, and I forgot the kicker is our homeowners insurance will not cover it. None of it. Because we all have extra money laying around. Right.
I am trying not to focus on the wicked witch of the east, but she said some very hard and hurtful things. I am trying to focus on what blessings are right in front of me, and I have many.
Handsome and I have been drawn together tightly in this battle with his family, and our storm. So if there is any pay off, that is it.
Off to clean some more wet things...
Peace and Blessings
Well I have spoke of my in laws, my sister and brother in law, my mother in law who lives with me. Well the wicked witch of the east (yes she is a REAL witch) has done some real damage to our family. She said awful things about me, that are #1 untrue and #2 show her to be the ungrateful woman she is. I have taken care of her mother for 13 years. She rarely comes for a visit, and the last time she did, it was after 4 years of not visiting, and we had to make her feel guilty to come see her mother when she was hospitalized 3 times in a month. Her mother is going down hill fast. I do not really expect her to live a whole lot longer. The kicker is, she is only 5 1/2 hours away. I live 15 hours away from my mother, and visit 2x every single year. I talk to my mother a couple times a week. She wont even call.
Well she stirred up the whole family, wrote a note calling me vile names, and Handsome read it. Well, Handsome really stood up for me, and has been really really wonderful thru this! At this point in time, I do not know if we will ever speak to them again.
And his mother is in the hospital again, going to a rehab home. Over night she lost the ability to walk. We have stairs in our older 1940's house. If she cannot do stairs she will have to go to the nursing home, and we were trying hard to avoid that....:(
Then on top of all this, we had a flood in our basement. We have lived here for 20 years, and never a drop of water in the basement, ever. So when Handsome's mother came, we built a bedroom in the basement for our son, who gave up his room for his gma. So yup, all of it is gone. Thankfully we could save electronic things, but lost so much. We spent the past thirty six hours or so trying to pitch everything, rip up carpet, and just try to make it habitable again. It is so damp where I am at, that nothing wants to dry. This coupled with the grief we are getting from his family is leading to some heavy weight landing on my shoulders.
Young son said, look on the bright side mom, we have been wanting to clean out the basement. lol his is correct, but I did not want to clean everything we had out of it, and into the trash! Oh, and I forgot the kicker is our homeowners insurance will not cover it. None of it. Because we all have extra money laying around. Right.
I am trying not to focus on the wicked witch of the east, but she said some very hard and hurtful things. I am trying to focus on what blessings are right in front of me, and I have many.
Handsome and I have been drawn together tightly in this battle with his family, and our storm. So if there is any pay off, that is it.
Off to clean some more wet things...
Peace and Blessings
Tuesday, June 17, 2014
This will be a first
Well, this is going to be a first since the affair.
I will have to be home for my birthday.
I want to cry, but I will put on my big girl pants and suck it up. I will just ignore that day, if my kids will let me. Some of you may know why I do not want to be around for my birthday, if you read my past posts. Some of you may not know about it, so I will give a brief reason why.
My life as I knew it ended on my birthday 4 years ago. Handsome took me for a short ride, not where I wanted to go, then took me home. He proceeded to leave for an afternoon ride, while I stayed home and got my birthday supper ready. That is NOT the way it works in my family. You get your favorite meal, and you DO NOT cook it yourself. But I did. Then I asked my MIL to heat something up in the house, while I was outside cooking burgers. She let it burn. Handsome was not home in time, and the kids were there waiting with me. I flipped when half the supper was burned, I cried, and I ran up stairs. I KNEW something was wrong, but I had no clue whatsoever. NONE.
It would come out in drips and drabs throughout the next two weeks, the truth, the way he was feeling. But it all went back to my birthday, that was D day for me. That was the day everything changed, even if I did not know it.
So in an effort to not HATE my birthday, I have Handsome take me away every year somewhere on the bike, for a couple days. ( It helps that my birthday is around a major holiday that makes taking off work easier)
Enough time that I forget what day is what, and boom, my birthday has gone by! I did not have to think about it, or remember it or anything. That is what makes my birthday tolerable to me. I have not had to have the kids sing happy birthday, or the cake, or the "special meal" that I truly do not think will ever be special to me again.
But this year, Handsome cannot take off. He works on my bday. We cannot leave and run away. I will have to deal with people wishing me a happy birthday, eat cake, sing songs, be happy.
And right now, all I can think to do is figure out a way that I do not have to be here for that day. But I will have to, and that means I have to deal with the anxiety that always comes around with my birthday.
I hope that one day again, I can have a happy birthday, without anxieties, without bad memories.
Ug.
Peace and Blessings
I will have to be home for my birthday.
I want to cry, but I will put on my big girl pants and suck it up. I will just ignore that day, if my kids will let me. Some of you may know why I do not want to be around for my birthday, if you read my past posts. Some of you may not know about it, so I will give a brief reason why.
My life as I knew it ended on my birthday 4 years ago. Handsome took me for a short ride, not where I wanted to go, then took me home. He proceeded to leave for an afternoon ride, while I stayed home and got my birthday supper ready. That is NOT the way it works in my family. You get your favorite meal, and you DO NOT cook it yourself. But I did. Then I asked my MIL to heat something up in the house, while I was outside cooking burgers. She let it burn. Handsome was not home in time, and the kids were there waiting with me. I flipped when half the supper was burned, I cried, and I ran up stairs. I KNEW something was wrong, but I had no clue whatsoever. NONE.
It would come out in drips and drabs throughout the next two weeks, the truth, the way he was feeling. But it all went back to my birthday, that was D day for me. That was the day everything changed, even if I did not know it.
So in an effort to not HATE my birthday, I have Handsome take me away every year somewhere on the bike, for a couple days. ( It helps that my birthday is around a major holiday that makes taking off work easier)
Enough time that I forget what day is what, and boom, my birthday has gone by! I did not have to think about it, or remember it or anything. That is what makes my birthday tolerable to me. I have not had to have the kids sing happy birthday, or the cake, or the "special meal" that I truly do not think will ever be special to me again.
But this year, Handsome cannot take off. He works on my bday. We cannot leave and run away. I will have to deal with people wishing me a happy birthday, eat cake, sing songs, be happy.
And right now, all I can think to do is figure out a way that I do not have to be here for that day. But I will have to, and that means I have to deal with the anxiety that always comes around with my birthday.
I hope that one day again, I can have a happy birthday, without anxieties, without bad memories.
Ug.
Peace and Blessings
Monday, June 16, 2014
open mouth, and out comes some built up resentment
High.
Family, extended family, can bring out THE worst in people. My in law family is as deeply entwined in my life as is possible. Hanson's mother has lived here for thirteen long years.
There are a bunch of hard feelings going on right now, and an upcoming wedding! Boy how that mixes, huh?!
The story is too long for my kindle, but I overheard Handsome talking to the wicked witch, (my sister in law is a REAL witch, sigh another story).
Because I only overheard part of the conversation, I jumped to a few conclusions. That is not good, when your emotions are in high gear....
So I went outside, I weeded the gardens. I watched my peas grow, lol. I sat on the swing, getting upset, and feeling hurt. When I came in I was properly worked up. So I blurted. A bunch. Guess what tho, I had jumped to conclusions, but one thing in my emotional outburst was true. I was feeling under valued, and very unloved. I had t ok him that. I have discussed my need for more intimacy, need more display of love. Since his affair, I NEED this, like air, I need an I love you.
I don't get them unless I say it first. All physical touch is initiated by me. I have brought this to his attention as well. He has not been following up well.
So tonight I snapped. I told him how I felt. He of course did not address that, but we did get the family situation fixed, for now.
But you want to know something? I am glad I said it. I want him to think about it.
Peace and blessings
Family, extended family, can bring out THE worst in people. My in law family is as deeply entwined in my life as is possible. Hanson's mother has lived here for thirteen long years.
There are a bunch of hard feelings going on right now, and an upcoming wedding! Boy how that mixes, huh?!
The story is too long for my kindle, but I overheard Handsome talking to the wicked witch, (my sister in law is a REAL witch, sigh another story).
Because I only overheard part of the conversation, I jumped to a few conclusions. That is not good, when your emotions are in high gear....
So I went outside, I weeded the gardens. I watched my peas grow, lol. I sat on the swing, getting upset, and feeling hurt. When I came in I was properly worked up. So I blurted. A bunch. Guess what tho, I had jumped to conclusions, but one thing in my emotional outburst was true. I was feeling under valued, and very unloved. I had t ok him that. I have discussed my need for more intimacy, need more display of love. Since his affair, I NEED this, like air, I need an I love you.
I don't get them unless I say it first. All physical touch is initiated by me. I have brought this to his attention as well. He has not been following up well.
So tonight I snapped. I told him how I felt. He of course did not address that, but we did get the family situation fixed, for now.
But you want to know something? I am glad I said it. I want him to think about it.
Peace and blessings
Sunday, June 15, 2014
wonderful day
I have a longer post to write, but I hope all the dad's out there had a wonderful day.
We had a blast! The grandbabies swam in the tiny pool. We cooked out ribs and potato salad. The children to Handsome out shooting. That was a fantastic good time! They all had new to them guns. Handsome inherited his best friends AK 47, he had not shot it in thirty years. They had a great good time.
I hope your Sunday was blessed.
Blessings and peace
We had a blast! The grandbabies swam in the tiny pool. We cooked out ribs and potato salad. The children to Handsome out shooting. That was a fantastic good time! They all had new to them guns. Handsome inherited his best friends AK 47, he had not shot it in thirty years. They had a great good time.
I hope your Sunday was blessed.
Blessings and peace
Thursday, June 12, 2014
Absence makes the heart grow fonder
I am visiting my mother this week. It is the first time since our reconciliation that I have gone away for more than a weekend, but this week I put on my big girl pants and drove a thousand miles by myself.
First off, yay me! :) I have always been afraid to do the trip myself, but there w
as no way handsome could take off work, so I took my car, with 210,000 miles on it and drove here!
A very nice, very fulfilling thing is happening though, I am missed. Handsome is REALLY missing me. He is filling my love bank up, and I can't wait to see him, and him me.
So two wonderful things happened this week, I grew up, and I was missed.
I can't wait to go home :)
First off, yay me! :) I have always been afraid to do the trip myself, but there w
as no way handsome could take off work, so I took my car, with 210,000 miles on it and drove here!
A very nice, very fulfilling thing is happening though, I am missed. Handsome is REALLY missing me. He is filling my love bank up, and I can't wait to see him, and him me.
So two wonderful things happened this week, I grew up, and I was missed.
I can't wait to go home :)
Wednesday, June 4, 2014
Time out for present day issues, and dag gone TRIGGERS
So I am getting ready to leave to visit my family half way across the country. Unfortunately, Handsome cannot come with me this time, he has no vacation accrued yet at his newish job. So I will be going alone. Driving alone, and staying one night in a hotel by myself.
I have never ever driven the amount of miles, or this trip by myself. I thought I would be ok about it, no anxiety but I find I am having some dreams that are pointing out that I am having some issues with the trip, and they are not about driving.
This will be the first time that I will be gone since Handsome had his affair. Now we do not live in the house alone, there are others living there, so it isn't if he is all alone. But I guess "unsupervised" might describe it, but I don't supervise him. I guess it is just that I wont be there, and right before Dday, I made this trip alone, and found out that much of his spare time that week was spent with her. I told you I found out about it right after my birthday, and found out that he had spent my birthday with her. I also found out that he spent many evenings riding with Handsome while I was visiting family. So this is what I consider a trigger. The trip, the amount of time, all of it is triggering some unpleasant thoughts that tend to dominate my head. I do not want to spend my time worrying about what he may or may not be doing. I talked not to long ago about making the decision to trust Handsome. That in order to succeed in this reconciliation I MUST trust again. The reason is two fold, one because the doubt tortures my soul, and two, because no relationship can survive with out trust. So this is my big test for myself. Can I go away, and keep my thoughts under control. Can I keep trusting so I do not feel insecure. So that I can enjoy this time away.
I can handle the triggers, I know that they may plague me in some way or another for the rest of my days. But I am determined to trust again, so all week, I tell myself, it will be ok. He promised me. He said never ever again. He said he will not put himself in compromising places, will not ever befriend a woman again.
So I keep telling myself that I have made this choice to trust. I will keep that choice in the forefront of my mind in the week I am gone.
I am human. I will worry some, but I am determined to make that choice, to shut out the voices of doubt, and believe that my husband will never do it again.
Triggers, they so suck :).
I am strong. I will overcome. I trust.
Peace and blessings~!
I have never ever driven the amount of miles, or this trip by myself. I thought I would be ok about it, no anxiety but I find I am having some dreams that are pointing out that I am having some issues with the trip, and they are not about driving.
This will be the first time that I will be gone since Handsome had his affair. Now we do not live in the house alone, there are others living there, so it isn't if he is all alone. But I guess "unsupervised" might describe it, but I don't supervise him. I guess it is just that I wont be there, and right before Dday, I made this trip alone, and found out that much of his spare time that week was spent with her. I told you I found out about it right after my birthday, and found out that he had spent my birthday with her. I also found out that he spent many evenings riding with Handsome while I was visiting family. So this is what I consider a trigger. The trip, the amount of time, all of it is triggering some unpleasant thoughts that tend to dominate my head. I do not want to spend my time worrying about what he may or may not be doing. I talked not to long ago about making the decision to trust Handsome. That in order to succeed in this reconciliation I MUST trust again. The reason is two fold, one because the doubt tortures my soul, and two, because no relationship can survive with out trust. So this is my big test for myself. Can I go away, and keep my thoughts under control. Can I keep trusting so I do not feel insecure. So that I can enjoy this time away.
I can handle the triggers, I know that they may plague me in some way or another for the rest of my days. But I am determined to trust again, so all week, I tell myself, it will be ok. He promised me. He said never ever again. He said he will not put himself in compromising places, will not ever befriend a woman again.
So I keep telling myself that I have made this choice to trust. I will keep that choice in the forefront of my mind in the week I am gone.
I am human. I will worry some, but I am determined to make that choice, to shut out the voices of doubt, and believe that my husband will never do it again.
Triggers, they so suck :).
I am strong. I will overcome. I trust.
Peace and blessings~!
Tuesday, June 3, 2014
Hindsite
It is so easy to look back at a situation and see where mistakes were made. It is something most people experience at some point along the way of life, we see so much clearer on the other side of a situation.
In the immediate aftermath of Dday, most betrayed spouses will say, "I did not see any problems", or " I thought we were happy". I said that. Loudly. I railed and yelled, and tortured myself with "what happened?", "why didn't I see it coming"..
Now, I am more than three years out, and I have the luxury of hind site. I can see, looking back, that we were not spending one on one time together. We were not connecting or talking about anything but the running of our household. We stopped having fun together, it was all chores. Our intimate life was suffering. My spouse was loosing weight and bought a motorcycle. All these little signs, that on their own, may not trigger any suspicion, but when weighed together in hind site, they reveal a problem.
Part of the problem in my not recognizing it was comfort. We have been together for most of my life. We were comfortable with each other. We stopped trying to impress, or compliment each other. We became a team in raising our family, and forgot to put each other at the top of our respective lists. We took each other for granted.
If you are in a marriage now, that has been a long time marriage, or if you have just started this road together, please always evaluate where you both are in the marriage. What I mean is take a moment, and ask your spouse, how are you doing today? Lets go outside and talk. Tell me about your day, is there anything I can do to help you relax? Would you like to talk or just rest. Be aware, be intentional in fostering the closeness that you both have in each other.
Marriage is for the long haul. You both will spend more years with each other, than any other relationship. Treasure each other. If you start feeling like your spouse is not giving you the attention you need SPEAK UP. Hearing the hard things may be upsetting in the moment, but try to think of the big picture. Try to see this as an investment in your future.
I will be brutally honest. First I take no responsibility for Handsomes cheating, that is on him one hundred percent. But I will be honest and say that I had started treating Handsome like another one of my kids, telling him what to do, how to do it, and hurry up already. I quit treating him like a partner, and was treating him as my "responsibility". I had quit showing him I loved him as a man, not as a provider, or what a hard worker he was. But a man, my husband, my partner.
I will never take responsibility, but I will look at my past with hindsite, and be brutally honest with myself. I failed in areas as a wife. I was not perfect.
That does not give any person the right to cheat, it doesn't. But it gives me an insight into the mind of my handsome, to look at where I could have improved. To look at the lack of communication. To see that there was something wrong in our relationship.
In Hind site, so much becomes clear.
I implore you, look at your situation with the glasses of honesty. It may hurt, but it will help you to heal, even if healing is not reconciliation.
I pray for all of the betrayed out there.....
Peace and blessings.
Monday, June 2, 2014
Who Cheats?
I was looking around at some statistics this weekend. The numbers are staggering, and getting worse every year.
Below are compiled statistics on infidelity and marriage:
Percentage of marriages that end in divorce in America: 53%
Percentage of "arranged marriages" (where parents pick their sons or daughters spouses) that end in divorce: 3%
Medical field(s) with the highest divorce rate: psychiatrists and marriage counselors
Percentage of marriages where one or both spouses admit to infidelity, either physical or emotional: 41%
Percentage of men who admit to committing infidelity in any relationship they've had: 57%
Percentage of women who admit to committing infidelity in any relationship they've had: 54%
Percentage of men and women who admit to having an affair with a co-worker: 36%
Percentage of men and women who admit to infidelity on business trips: 36%
Percentage of men and women who admit to infidelity (emotional or physical) with a brother-in-law or sister-in-law: 17%
Average length of an affair: 2 years
Percentage of marriages that last after an affair has been admitted to or discovered: 31%
Percentage of men who say they would have an affair if they knew they would never get caught: 74%
Percentage of women who say they would have an affair if they knew they would never get caught: 68%
Those statistics are scary to me. If I had seen them prior to our situation, I would have said, "thank God we are not part of those statistics!" But now I am a part of them. Handsome is part of the 57% of men.
Together we are part of only 31% of couples who reconcile.
Wow. Less than one third make it to reconciliation. Yet more than half the men are doing this, as well as over half the women as well! These are staggering numbers.
I think that this number is rising all the time. I hope that if you are reading this you are not one of these statistics. If you are though, I want to encourage you to look at your situation as much as an observer as possible. Look to see if there were outside influences? Look inside as well. I am sorry, I do not want to offend, but in most cases of infidelity, they begin with dissatisfaction in their relationships. Is there a place that you could improve on?
In my instance, there was such a huge lack of communication, on both parts. The funny thing about that statement is if you had asked me if I communicated to Handsome before his affair, I would have said YES I talk to him all the time! Ah, I talked to him. My problem was not listening or observing when he was not listening. There are almost always a plethora of reasons this happens, but I see communication as the biggest culprit. What we discovered was I was talking at him, not to him. What he learned was he anticipates a response from me, that he may not get, so he clams up. You would think in all these years, we would be good at communication, but we weren't. we are so much better now. So if you think you may be having a problem with communication, please please look very objectively at it. See if there are better methods to employ when trying to communicate. Ask your spouse if they feel heard. Ask them if you are speaking clearly to them. It is so darn important.
I am somewhat scattered today, but tomorrow I want to talk to you about hind site being twenty twenty, and what you may want to watch for.
Peace and Blessings.
Thursday, May 29, 2014
Triggers
I wanted to address what people in the "affair" community call triggers. They are awful terrible things. They come at you from nowhere often times. You could be in a wonderful, happy place in your recovery. Things are going so well, that you don't think about the affair for days, or weeks on end. Then, you hear a song that you heard on the day your spouse told you about "it". Or you take a ride past the place that your spouse and their friend went to, you found out after the fact. Or your spouse says something that reminds you of that time. These are triggers. They start the onslaught of emotions you thought you had under control. Triggers are so very frustrating, and if you are not careful, they can set a reconciliation backwards. I have had to get some of my triggers under control. I cannot have them torturing me the rest of my life. These triggers are dates that I MUST deal with, especially since one is my birthday.
You see, the fight that started the beginning of Handsome's "confession" to not loving me started on my birthday. I cannot give the whole story, but suffice it to say, that during our difficult time when we were deciding whether to reconcile or not, I found out that some of my birthday was spent giving "her" a ride on the back of the bike.
Yeah. Sucks bad right? I mean if you are trying to reconcile right now, and have the raw emotions that come with the revelation of an emotional or physical affair then I am sure you understand how I felt when I found out about it. Her, on the back of the bike. No sissy bar. Hold on! Late for my birthday dinner. My birthday.
How, tell me, are you supposed to get rid of that trigger! My birthday, thankfully, comes every year~!
The first year, I said "take me away, anywhere" I was running away from my birthday. No special dinner, no presents, don't even say happy birthday to me please. Let us all pretend it is just another day. That actually worked, we had a great road trip, I forgot what day was what, and realized after the fact that my birthday had come and gone. Handsome made a real effort to give me a memorable and fun trip. He succeeded too, we had an amazing time, saw BEAUTIFUL scenery, and just enjoyed each others company.
So the next year we did the same thing, we ran away. Same thing, no birthdays allowed here folks, move on move on.
Well, it is coming upon that lovely time of year again. I have decided that I cannot run away from my birthday forever, my kids may actually want to see me on that weekend, as it is a holiday weekend. So this year, we are staying home. We will travel to visit a friend the day after my birthday. I am trying now, to phsyc myself up for this. You see, even if I can say, "we are happy, there is no threat to my marriage", when my day comes around, I inevitably go to that year, that day my life changed, and certain feelings return, angry, hurt, bitter.
I have to stop giving the triggers the power to steal my happiness. They are theives and I am tired of being robbed. I am tired of being held hostage to a day, or a memory. I am working towards overcoming this trigger this year. I have over come many of them, and truly dear soul, it is hard, so very hard. But you can do it. It takes time, it takes you replacing the bad memory with a good one. I think time makes it easier, it seems that way, but I will let you know for sure when my birthday comes and goes.
Celebrate your recovery, try to take the power back from those terrible triggers.
Your future will be what you want it to be now, we no longer give the power of our happiness to another person. We are strong. You are strong.
Peace and Blessings.
You see, the fight that started the beginning of Handsome's "confession" to not loving me started on my birthday. I cannot give the whole story, but suffice it to say, that during our difficult time when we were deciding whether to reconcile or not, I found out that some of my birthday was spent giving "her" a ride on the back of the bike.
Yeah. Sucks bad right? I mean if you are trying to reconcile right now, and have the raw emotions that come with the revelation of an emotional or physical affair then I am sure you understand how I felt when I found out about it. Her, on the back of the bike. No sissy bar. Hold on! Late for my birthday dinner. My birthday.
How, tell me, are you supposed to get rid of that trigger! My birthday, thankfully, comes every year~!
The first year, I said "take me away, anywhere" I was running away from my birthday. No special dinner, no presents, don't even say happy birthday to me please. Let us all pretend it is just another day. That actually worked, we had a great road trip, I forgot what day was what, and realized after the fact that my birthday had come and gone. Handsome made a real effort to give me a memorable and fun trip. He succeeded too, we had an amazing time, saw BEAUTIFUL scenery, and just enjoyed each others company.
So the next year we did the same thing, we ran away. Same thing, no birthdays allowed here folks, move on move on.
Well, it is coming upon that lovely time of year again. I have decided that I cannot run away from my birthday forever, my kids may actually want to see me on that weekend, as it is a holiday weekend. So this year, we are staying home. We will travel to visit a friend the day after my birthday. I am trying now, to phsyc myself up for this. You see, even if I can say, "we are happy, there is no threat to my marriage", when my day comes around, I inevitably go to that year, that day my life changed, and certain feelings return, angry, hurt, bitter.
I have to stop giving the triggers the power to steal my happiness. They are theives and I am tired of being robbed. I am tired of being held hostage to a day, or a memory. I am working towards overcoming this trigger this year. I have over come many of them, and truly dear soul, it is hard, so very hard. But you can do it. It takes time, it takes you replacing the bad memory with a good one. I think time makes it easier, it seems that way, but I will let you know for sure when my birthday comes and goes.
Celebrate your recovery, try to take the power back from those terrible triggers.
Your future will be what you want it to be now, we no longer give the power of our happiness to another person. We are strong. You are strong.
Peace and Blessings.
Monday, May 26, 2014
Wednesday, May 21, 2014
can a longtime marriage survive an emotional affair?
YES! Sorry I don't mean to yell. But I want anyone who may find this to know that yes, you can survive it.
Your marriage will be be different than before, but it might be better. If you decide on reconciliation know that you can do it. Expect ups and downs. Don't expect it to be fast. There is a very good chance that your communication will be better than before. I will never ever say a spouse has a reason to look outside their marriage, but lack of communication is the number one reason listed for the causes of affairs.
So the very first thing, after deciding you want to save your marriage, is find a counselor,pastor or some professional that can help open the lines of communication. You may not need ongoing sessions, but please believe me, they help open the lines of communication. Handsome and I only went a few times, but it was enough to to teach us some skills that we desperately needed.
It also served a huge purpose, it showed Handsome that he could tell me his feelings and I would not be angry.
You see, he never said anything because he was afraid of my reaction. Fair or not, it was how he felt. I had to show him that he could tell me how he felt,and I would not get angry,but discuss the issue. And that took a professional being there to help make both of us feel safe.
So please, get help, even for one or two sessions.
I can honestly say now that handsome and I communicate better now than we ever did. We still are learning, every day.. but for some reason tonight I felt led to post this bit of hope for the one person who may not be sure you can survive an emotional affair, I am here to tell you YES YOU CAN.
Peace and blessings
Your marriage will be be different than before, but it might be better. If you decide on reconciliation know that you can do it. Expect ups and downs. Don't expect it to be fast. There is a very good chance that your communication will be better than before. I will never ever say a spouse has a reason to look outside their marriage, but lack of communication is the number one reason listed for the causes of affairs.
So the very first thing, after deciding you want to save your marriage, is find a counselor,pastor or some professional that can help open the lines of communication. You may not need ongoing sessions, but please believe me, they help open the lines of communication. Handsome and I only went a few times, but it was enough to to teach us some skills that we desperately needed.
It also served a huge purpose, it showed Handsome that he could tell me his feelings and I would not be angry.
You see, he never said anything because he was afraid of my reaction. Fair or not, it was how he felt. I had to show him that he could tell me how he felt,and I would not get angry,but discuss the issue. And that took a professional being there to help make both of us feel safe.
So please, get help, even for one or two sessions.
I can honestly say now that handsome and I communicate better now than we ever did. We still are learning, every day.. but for some reason tonight I felt led to post this bit of hope for the one person who may not be sure you can survive an emotional affair, I am here to tell you YES YOU CAN.
Peace and blessings
When being nice makes you a target
ARRRRGGGGG.
This rant is today brought to by the letters B*^&) and AS$%%&#
Ok, thats out of the way. Answer me this, why do I continue to do something that gets the same results every time, and why am I surprised?
I was just told by an in law that their son HATES me. Yeah. Along with another two in laws who are also hating on me.
Why you ask? Well because when my brother in law was almost killed by his wifes neglect ( he is young but has had debilitating strokes), I asked brother in law if he wanted to go back home to the wife who almost killed him or did he want our (handsome and I ) help to get out of the house, and get closer to where I live, so that we could help in his care.
So that was what was done. I take said brother in law to church every week, arranged for two Godly men to come and do a weekly visit with bible study, and I bring him home a couple days a month to hang out with his mother who LIVES WITH ME FOR 13 YEARS NOW. Absorb that one please.
He has two other sisters, one of whom lives two miles from the nursing home, they never call, never do anything. I had to text his wife and ask if she could maybe bring the kids out to visit him and maybe take him to dinner. They have not called or talked to him in MONTHS.
His mothers care is getting very very hard, she has fallen and we are looking into daytime arrangements for her, because she is falling, she just fell and her whole face is purple, she landed on her FACE people.
So in saying that, in the past two months, I have not had more than one full pay check due to having to take work off for my mother in law, for various reasons.
All that to set the stage for how hurt I was today by said brother in law.
He said he was sad on facebook, so I called the nursing home to ask what was wrong. When he came on the phone, after trying to decipher what is being said ( which nobody in his family does, they do not have the patience) , I realize he was saying (insert his sons name here) HATES YOU.
OK what? I wanted to make sure I heard him correctly, ask him to say it again, repeat it back and he says YES.
So why would you tell me that? Just to hurt me? The whole family points their fingers my way saying I am doing things wrong, but not one of them steps up to help me.
I know I should brush it off, but I cried. I don't do this stuff for the "gratitude" believe me if I did, it wouldn't be long before I quit. I do it for God alone. but I am human, and I was so hurt by that statement. He did not have to say it, there was no reason for it.
I tell myself, well then just let him be, alone there, and let the others care about him. But I know me, in two weeks God will poke and prod me, and I will do what is right instead of what makes me feel good or bad.
So today, I am going to visit him and this weekend I will pick him up.
All I need to remember is who and why I do it.
I want to hear "well done good and faithful servant" when I face God one day.
Off to the nursing home I go.
Peace and Blessings
This rant is today brought to by the letters B*^&) and AS$%%&#
Ok, thats out of the way. Answer me this, why do I continue to do something that gets the same results every time, and why am I surprised?
I was just told by an in law that their son HATES me. Yeah. Along with another two in laws who are also hating on me.
Why you ask? Well because when my brother in law was almost killed by his wifes neglect ( he is young but has had debilitating strokes), I asked brother in law if he wanted to go back home to the wife who almost killed him or did he want our (handsome and I ) help to get out of the house, and get closer to where I live, so that we could help in his care.
So that was what was done. I take said brother in law to church every week, arranged for two Godly men to come and do a weekly visit with bible study, and I bring him home a couple days a month to hang out with his mother who LIVES WITH ME FOR 13 YEARS NOW. Absorb that one please.
He has two other sisters, one of whom lives two miles from the nursing home, they never call, never do anything. I had to text his wife and ask if she could maybe bring the kids out to visit him and maybe take him to dinner. They have not called or talked to him in MONTHS.
His mothers care is getting very very hard, she has fallen and we are looking into daytime arrangements for her, because she is falling, she just fell and her whole face is purple, she landed on her FACE people.
So in saying that, in the past two months, I have not had more than one full pay check due to having to take work off for my mother in law, for various reasons.
All that to set the stage for how hurt I was today by said brother in law.
He said he was sad on facebook, so I called the nursing home to ask what was wrong. When he came on the phone, after trying to decipher what is being said ( which nobody in his family does, they do not have the patience) , I realize he was saying (insert his sons name here) HATES YOU.
OK what? I wanted to make sure I heard him correctly, ask him to say it again, repeat it back and he says YES.
So why would you tell me that? Just to hurt me? The whole family points their fingers my way saying I am doing things wrong, but not one of them steps up to help me.
I know I should brush it off, but I cried. I don't do this stuff for the "gratitude" believe me if I did, it wouldn't be long before I quit. I do it for God alone. but I am human, and I was so hurt by that statement. He did not have to say it, there was no reason for it.
I tell myself, well then just let him be, alone there, and let the others care about him. But I know me, in two weeks God will poke and prod me, and I will do what is right instead of what makes me feel good or bad.
So today, I am going to visit him and this weekend I will pick him up.
All I need to remember is who and why I do it.
I want to hear "well done good and faithful servant" when I face God one day.
Off to the nursing home I go.
Peace and Blessings
Tuesday, May 20, 2014
Do over!
When we were kids if we did not like the outcome of something, we would yell "do over"! If your friends were nice, they let you do whatever "it" was over.
Or say we are golfing, you make a TERRIBLE shot, you ask you friends if you can take a mulligan. That friends is a fancy golf term for do over lol. I know that I cannot be the only person who as an adult says "I wish I could have a do over in this or that situation."
When I reflect on how we handled our reconciliation from his affair, I think to myself, I wish I had a do over. One that would have made it easier for me to believe that he still did love me. Easier for me to believe that he did not reconcile out of guilt alone, or because the kids were furious, or because he saw the error of his ways.
One way that would have happened I believe is to have actually separated. Now at the time, if you had suggested that I would have railed against you, telling you that if I let him go, or I go, then it will just make it easier for him to leave our marriage. I would have freaked out and said that was giving in to her. There are numerous reasons I would have had for NOT separating.
But as the years go by, and as we navigate this thing that is our marriage, and try to make it out of the murky waters of an emotional affair, I find myself thinking, "self, what if you had left?" If you left, and Handsome came after you, even after some time had passed then perhaps I would not have such a lack of security in my mind. I could say hey self, HE came back to you. He wanted this marriage to work. You let him go and he came back, he must want your marriage and you !
But I do not have that. We stayed together even during the time when we did not know if we were going to reconcile or not. I was crazy, and needed affirmation CONSTANTLY that he really wanted to be there. In hind site, I feel as if I harassed him into staying. I made him painfully aware of what the outcome of him and I splitting like this would have. His children wanted to punch him, his friends would disown him, his future grandchildren would never be close to him like they would me, because my relationship with the kids was still good. I told him I would love him no matter what, that I would work as hard as he to fix this marriage.
I was desperate.
What I find now is that I would like a do over. NOT to separate forever, but to have at least walked away and let him think about a life without me. I would have liked to have that security that he chased me back, he couldn't live without me blah blah blah.
But I will never know for sure, there will always be that seed of doubt.
I love Handsome with all my heart. I believe he loves me as well, but given the chance, I would take a Mulligan.
Or say we are golfing, you make a TERRIBLE shot, you ask you friends if you can take a mulligan. That friends is a fancy golf term for do over lol. I know that I cannot be the only person who as an adult says "I wish I could have a do over in this or that situation."
When I reflect on how we handled our reconciliation from his affair, I think to myself, I wish I had a do over. One that would have made it easier for me to believe that he still did love me. Easier for me to believe that he did not reconcile out of guilt alone, or because the kids were furious, or because he saw the error of his ways.
One way that would have happened I believe is to have actually separated. Now at the time, if you had suggested that I would have railed against you, telling you that if I let him go, or I go, then it will just make it easier for him to leave our marriage. I would have freaked out and said that was giving in to her. There are numerous reasons I would have had for NOT separating.
But as the years go by, and as we navigate this thing that is our marriage, and try to make it out of the murky waters of an emotional affair, I find myself thinking, "self, what if you had left?" If you left, and Handsome came after you, even after some time had passed then perhaps I would not have such a lack of security in my mind. I could say hey self, HE came back to you. He wanted this marriage to work. You let him go and he came back, he must want your marriage and you !
But I do not have that. We stayed together even during the time when we did not know if we were going to reconcile or not. I was crazy, and needed affirmation CONSTANTLY that he really wanted to be there. In hind site, I feel as if I harassed him into staying. I made him painfully aware of what the outcome of him and I splitting like this would have. His children wanted to punch him, his friends would disown him, his future grandchildren would never be close to him like they would me, because my relationship with the kids was still good. I told him I would love him no matter what, that I would work as hard as he to fix this marriage.
I was desperate.
What I find now is that I would like a do over. NOT to separate forever, but to have at least walked away and let him think about a life without me. I would have liked to have that security that he chased me back, he couldn't live without me blah blah blah.
But I will never know for sure, there will always be that seed of doubt.
I love Handsome with all my heart. I believe he loves me as well, but given the chance, I would take a Mulligan.
Monday, May 19, 2014
On Self Esteem
Self Esteem is a funny thing. I think that most women, and probably men do not have a good self esteem. The problem stems from the fact that we get our self esteem from the affirmations of others. Oh so and so liked my outfit, or Mr X told me I did a great job at work, it is easy then to get a boost of self esteem. It also matters who gives us this "boost" of self esteem. Lets say it was a stranger that said, hey love your hair! You would smile, say thank you ( I hope!) and be on your way, you may feel like it made your day. But that person doesn't know you from Adam, their opinion, although nice, does not mean much to you as you will probably never see them again.
If that same compliment comes from your spouse, at least for me, I feel GREAT the rest of the day. My love "likes" this , or "noticed" that. Because Handsome is a man of few words, when that happens, I could float on air for days and days, my self esteem is raised up.
The conundrum with self esteem is we tend to look to others to help us with our self esteem. That is contrary to the word. The esteem should come from yourself, not from others. I know that you laugh, most of us, if left to our own devises, will not say how great we look, or how skinny, or how good our butt looks in those pants. On the contrary, we go to the opposite side of the track!
And guess what, I am so tired of it. I am tired of depending on others to make me feel good about me. I am tired of waiting for a husband to say something, when he is not programmed that way. All it does is disappoint me, and let my self esteem fall further.
Well world, I am done.
Guess what, I have great hair, I used to do hair, and I have a knockout color that I love.
I have a small waist. I like that. I need to celebrate that.
I have mercy. I need to appreciate it in myself.
I am a killer cook. (not so much a cleaner upper!)
I am a loyal friend.
I have pretty eyes.
Ok, so you get the idea. We all need to do an "esteem" check on ourselves once in awhile. We need to stop trying to fulfill ourselves with what others say, but need to say them to our self. Daily, hourly if needed.
Make it a practice to compliment yourself every single day. Lets work on bringing the "self" back to self esteem
Peace and Blessings
If that same compliment comes from your spouse, at least for me, I feel GREAT the rest of the day. My love "likes" this , or "noticed" that. Because Handsome is a man of few words, when that happens, I could float on air for days and days, my self esteem is raised up.
The conundrum with self esteem is we tend to look to others to help us with our self esteem. That is contrary to the word. The esteem should come from yourself, not from others. I know that you laugh, most of us, if left to our own devises, will not say how great we look, or how skinny, or how good our butt looks in those pants. On the contrary, we go to the opposite side of the track!
And guess what, I am so tired of it. I am tired of depending on others to make me feel good about me. I am tired of waiting for a husband to say something, when he is not programmed that way. All it does is disappoint me, and let my self esteem fall further.
Well world, I am done.
Guess what, I have great hair, I used to do hair, and I have a knockout color that I love.
I have a small waist. I like that. I need to celebrate that.
I have mercy. I need to appreciate it in myself.
I am a killer cook. (not so much a cleaner upper!)
I am a loyal friend.
I have pretty eyes.
Ok, so you get the idea. We all need to do an "esteem" check on ourselves once in awhile. We need to stop trying to fulfill ourselves with what others say, but need to say them to our self. Daily, hourly if needed.
Make it a practice to compliment yourself every single day. Lets work on bringing the "self" back to self esteem
Peace and Blessings
Wednesday, May 14, 2014
When something shakes up a marriage.....
It makes you question your ability to see truths, or more accurately lies. It makes you question your belief in what is true and what may have been false. These are all valid processes to recovering from an affair. The problem comes in when you have processed it all, and committed to your spouse to reconciling the marriage. Now this of course pertains to the betrayed spouse.
Once you decide that you are going to forgive, you will have to take the steps to fix your trust, you will have to take steps in rebuilding your faith in yourself and in your spouse. Let me say this, IT IS NOT EASY!
There is no magic answer of when you will be able to rebuild this, but to rebuild your marriage, and for the betrayed spouse to heal, you must decide to trust again.
I know its hard, I know many of you (or one of you lol) may say, well he broke me, he needs to fix me. I said that! With those same words. Handsome YOU BROKE ME you need to fix me. You need to give me back my trust. You need to give me back my faith in this marriage.
So I waited, and waited, and hurt and waited. I prayed, and waited some more.
Then my answer came one day. Handsome cannot make me trust him again! This is totally in my control, has no way of making me feel a certain way.
I am in charge of those feelings. If I am going to reconcile, I MUST trust. To not trust means that I am in turmoil every single day. I cannot live that way, the stress of it will kill me. Not to mention, I will find NO joy in my reconciliation if I walk in distrust every single day.
So I made the decision, when I started feeling distrustful, that was NOT on Handsome, it was becasue of my thought process. I control those thoughts, and as long as I control them, then the evil one cannot enter and turn my thoughts around
One of the things that held Handsome back from reconciling with him was the fact that he thought I would never be able to trust him again. I told him in the moment
"of course I can!" " I will do what is necessary for our marriage to succeed. Then I proceeded to mistrust him every day. Can I tell you, I suffered because of it. I had doubt every single day. Then time passed, and we started feeling better, more connected, and I realized that in order to truly heal, I had to trust. So I let go of the mistrust, and decided that I would trust every word out of his mouth. From where he was going, to the fact that he loved me, I had to start trusting THAT VERY DAY.
So I did. When he says "I love you too" I trust that he means it. When he says he is going racing I believe him. I do not let doubt creep in, and if it starts, I make a distinct effort to banish those thoughts. I do this because I control those thoughts.
I know it sounds easy, and maybe had someone said this to me too soon after DDay, I may have poo pooed them. But I want to give hope to any person who comes here looking for hope. Though do not think that it doesn't take a monumental effort on my part, it does. So often during the process I felt weak, but in deciding to take back my trust, I made myself strong again.
I hope and pray that if you ever find yourself in this spot that you will realize you are STRONG, and that you have the power to control the evil thoughts, as well as the good ones.
This is a terrible process to go thru, but I want to give hope to those who are. I am 4 years into my reconciliation, and although I am learning everyday, I feel so much more in control now than I did even year ago.
I wish you peace and blessings L
Once you decide that you are going to forgive, you will have to take the steps to fix your trust, you will have to take steps in rebuilding your faith in yourself and in your spouse. Let me say this, IT IS NOT EASY!
There is no magic answer of when you will be able to rebuild this, but to rebuild your marriage, and for the betrayed spouse to heal, you must decide to trust again.
I know its hard, I know many of you (or one of you lol) may say, well he broke me, he needs to fix me. I said that! With those same words. Handsome YOU BROKE ME you need to fix me. You need to give me back my trust. You need to give me back my faith in this marriage.
So I waited, and waited, and hurt and waited. I prayed, and waited some more.
Then my answer came one day. Handsome cannot make me trust him again! This is totally in my control, has no way of making me feel a certain way.
I am in charge of those feelings. If I am going to reconcile, I MUST trust. To not trust means that I am in turmoil every single day. I cannot live that way, the stress of it will kill me. Not to mention, I will find NO joy in my reconciliation if I walk in distrust every single day.
So I made the decision, when I started feeling distrustful, that was NOT on Handsome, it was becasue of my thought process. I control those thoughts, and as long as I control them, then the evil one cannot enter and turn my thoughts around
One of the things that held Handsome back from reconciling with him was the fact that he thought I would never be able to trust him again. I told him in the moment
"of course I can!" " I will do what is necessary for our marriage to succeed. Then I proceeded to mistrust him every day. Can I tell you, I suffered because of it. I had doubt every single day. Then time passed, and we started feeling better, more connected, and I realized that in order to truly heal, I had to trust. So I let go of the mistrust, and decided that I would trust every word out of his mouth. From where he was going, to the fact that he loved me, I had to start trusting THAT VERY DAY.
So I did. When he says "I love you too" I trust that he means it. When he says he is going racing I believe him. I do not let doubt creep in, and if it starts, I make a distinct effort to banish those thoughts. I do this because I control those thoughts.
I know it sounds easy, and maybe had someone said this to me too soon after DDay, I may have poo pooed them. But I want to give hope to any person who comes here looking for hope. Though do not think that it doesn't take a monumental effort on my part, it does. So often during the process I felt weak, but in deciding to take back my trust, I made myself strong again.
I hope and pray that if you ever find yourself in this spot that you will realize you are STRONG, and that you have the power to control the evil thoughts, as well as the good ones.
This is a terrible process to go thru, but I want to give hope to those who are. I am 4 years into my reconciliation, and although I am learning everyday, I feel so much more in control now than I did even year ago.
I wish you peace and blessings L
Tuesday, May 13, 2014
the impact of an affair, a story I read
I found a blog about in the blogosphere about infidelity written by the injured wife. The rage and almost insanity in her words hurts me to read. This blog "A Year After the Affair" does a bang up job of showing how this affects a person, how it makes them into something they werent before DDay.
But what hurts me is to read of her absolute insanity and the actions she took. They were out of control, harmful to her and her family. To say they were crazy would not be out of line. She knows it to, she realizes now how crazy she was. It took her a year though before she realized how out of control she was.
I know that the implications of an affair are long and wide reaching, and there is bitterness. But I thank God, after reading her anger and reading how she handled it, I am so thankful that I listened to the Lords leading in this situation. No matter what happens to me, I am still called to respond as a Christian. Does it mean I did not say hurtful mean things? No, I said them all right. Did it mean I was a doormat that just said, well I forgive you but you dont have to work at it.?
I screamed, I yelled, I cried, and I envisioned horrible things happening to the other woman. But I realized real quickly that if I wanted my marriage to last, i could not go crazy.
Had I gone crazy like this woman did, we would NOT have reconciled. My Handsome would have recoiled and said, no way do I want to be with this woman.
Heck I had to convince him that it was possible for me to forgive. According to him at our second counseling session, he wanted to reconcile but could not figure out how I could forgive. Once I convinced him that I forgive him, then we could do the work of reconciliation.
This woman was crazy for a year. I mean crazy, things she did hurt me to even read them. She was out of control. She had no one to help her see the error of her ways. I hope that God would have convicted me of the crazies fast. Actually I think He did that for me.
I just have to remember when I feel badly, that part of my healing has been I have an awsome God to lean on, and His word to look to for advice.
And if you are reading this, and think you will never make it out of this alive and sane, let me tell you , YOU WILL.
Give it time, and if you are reconciling, the quicker you forgive, and I mean REALLY forgive, you will be starting the path to healing yourself.
Listen to that inner voice, God reaches out to us with that voice.
There is always hope.
Peace and Blessings.
But what hurts me is to read of her absolute insanity and the actions she took. They were out of control, harmful to her and her family. To say they were crazy would not be out of line. She knows it to, she realizes now how crazy she was. It took her a year though before she realized how out of control she was.
I know that the implications of an affair are long and wide reaching, and there is bitterness. But I thank God, after reading her anger and reading how she handled it, I am so thankful that I listened to the Lords leading in this situation. No matter what happens to me, I am still called to respond as a Christian. Does it mean I did not say hurtful mean things? No, I said them all right. Did it mean I was a doormat that just said, well I forgive you but you dont have to work at it.?
I screamed, I yelled, I cried, and I envisioned horrible things happening to the other woman. But I realized real quickly that if I wanted my marriage to last, i could not go crazy.
Had I gone crazy like this woman did, we would NOT have reconciled. My Handsome would have recoiled and said, no way do I want to be with this woman.
Heck I had to convince him that it was possible for me to forgive. According to him at our second counseling session, he wanted to reconcile but could not figure out how I could forgive. Once I convinced him that I forgive him, then we could do the work of reconciliation.
This woman was crazy for a year. I mean crazy, things she did hurt me to even read them. She was out of control. She had no one to help her see the error of her ways. I hope that God would have convicted me of the crazies fast. Actually I think He did that for me.
I just have to remember when I feel badly, that part of my healing has been I have an awsome God to lean on, and His word to look to for advice.
And if you are reading this, and think you will never make it out of this alive and sane, let me tell you , YOU WILL.
Give it time, and if you are reconciling, the quicker you forgive, and I mean REALLY forgive, you will be starting the path to healing yourself.
Listen to that inner voice, God reaches out to us with that voice.
There is always hope.
Peace and Blessings.
Saturday, May 10, 2014
to all those mothers, and ones who are like a mother
Have a Happy and blessed mothers day.
Peace and blessings!
Peace and blessings!
Wednesday, May 7, 2014
what a break this has been
I have been enjoying my home. I have been enjoying my Handsome. My MIL has been in rehab now for almost a week and gone almost ten days. I feel terrible, but I do not miss her. Our lives feel so normal. I asked Handsome, "why is it so much more comfortable around here, it isnt like his mom is really in the way or even says much? "
Handsome replied, "because this is what a normal house feels like". He is right. I dont want to like this so much. I swore I would never put any of my family members in one, and I cant put her in one if I can help. But that was 13 years ago. I had small kids then, life was different. I did not have the opportunity to be alone in my house. Now I do, and I want it dang it!
I got the call, she is coming home monday. I want to be happy, I really do. It is the right thing to do. But I can see things I could not see before, and she makes Handsome and I hold back, in conversation, physical attention. All of it.
I want to do the right thing.
I just wish the right thing wasn't so hard.
Handsome replied, "because this is what a normal house feels like". He is right. I dont want to like this so much. I swore I would never put any of my family members in one, and I cant put her in one if I can help. But that was 13 years ago. I had small kids then, life was different. I did not have the opportunity to be alone in my house. Now I do, and I want it dang it!
I got the call, she is coming home monday. I want to be happy, I really do. It is the right thing to do. But I can see things I could not see before, and she makes Handsome and I hold back, in conversation, physical attention. All of it.
I want to do the right thing.
I just wish the right thing wasn't so hard.
Thursday, May 1, 2014
So how long does it take to recover from an Emotional Affair
This is a question I get asked sometimes. How long did it take you guys to recover from Handsome's EA? In the beginning it was easy to say we are in recovery every day. But after 3 years, I think people want to hear that its all better, that your marriage is strong, you have forgiven and forgotten, blah blah.
Guess what I have found out? Like alcoholics I truly think it is a battle you struggle with for the rest of your life. I do not think the wayward spouse thinks about it so much, at least after the initial impact on them is gone. But the person who was betrayed, they deal with it, at least in my case, at a much slower rate. Now again in my case, I HAD to forgive him, because there was no forward momentum until forgiveness happened. Then the second step comes into play, forgetting.
Here's the thing, you will never forget. I compare it to quitting smoking for me. For two months at least, every minute of every day I thought, "I want/need a smoke!". Then one day, I realized that a couple hours went past and I had not thought of wanting a smoke ONCE! Till that moment of course. Then after a year, it was less, I would still have my moments where I could just taste how good it would be after dinner (blech).
Now it is 14 years since I quit, and very seldom do I think about cigarettes in a longing way. Yet every now and again I think, boy an after dinner smoke would be soooo nice. Now it is very seldom, but it does come up, and when it does I have to deal with it.
I think an EA is the same. I went at least a year to a year and a half where every minute of every day my mind spun with the things Handsome said to me, and the things my imagination made come alive. I would dream it if I did not think about it. It came out and I had to deal with it, minute by minute. Then hour by hour. Then day by day. The same way I had to deal with the quitting of smoking. There are days and days, or weeks, or months when I don't ever think about it.
Then BAM, some stupid thing brings up something that was said or done, ( that is called a trigger by the way), and I feel myself getting emotional about our marriage, or I notice one thing maybe he did, and compare it to something he said back then, and if I am not very careful, and go to God, then the thoughts get bigger and I get more insecure by the minute.
It will be four years since DDay and although I can say with confidence I have forgiven, Forgetting is a slow and long road.
One day I will reach the end of that road I am sure. I do know that the destination is worth every bruise to get there.
Peace and Blessing
Guess what I have found out? Like alcoholics I truly think it is a battle you struggle with for the rest of your life. I do not think the wayward spouse thinks about it so much, at least after the initial impact on them is gone. But the person who was betrayed, they deal with it, at least in my case, at a much slower rate. Now again in my case, I HAD to forgive him, because there was no forward momentum until forgiveness happened. Then the second step comes into play, forgetting.
Here's the thing, you will never forget. I compare it to quitting smoking for me. For two months at least, every minute of every day I thought, "I want/need a smoke!". Then one day, I realized that a couple hours went past and I had not thought of wanting a smoke ONCE! Till that moment of course. Then after a year, it was less, I would still have my moments where I could just taste how good it would be after dinner (blech).
Now it is 14 years since I quit, and very seldom do I think about cigarettes in a longing way. Yet every now and again I think, boy an after dinner smoke would be soooo nice. Now it is very seldom, but it does come up, and when it does I have to deal with it.
I think an EA is the same. I went at least a year to a year and a half where every minute of every day my mind spun with the things Handsome said to me, and the things my imagination made come alive. I would dream it if I did not think about it. It came out and I had to deal with it, minute by minute. Then hour by hour. Then day by day. The same way I had to deal with the quitting of smoking. There are days and days, or weeks, or months when I don't ever think about it.
Then BAM, some stupid thing brings up something that was said or done, ( that is called a trigger by the way), and I feel myself getting emotional about our marriage, or I notice one thing maybe he did, and compare it to something he said back then, and if I am not very careful, and go to God, then the thoughts get bigger and I get more insecure by the minute.
It will be four years since DDay and although I can say with confidence I have forgiven, Forgetting is a slow and long road.
One day I will reach the end of that road I am sure. I do know that the destination is worth every bruise to get there.
Peace and Blessing
Wednesday, April 30, 2014
On blogging, and wondering if I give the wrong impression
I started doing this blogging thing when I started reading and discovering blogs. I learned from people. I found commonalities with others. I found friends that if I saw on the street I may not know, but those same people would help you if they knew you needed it, and they could provide the help. It is an amazing thing this blogging community, I found myself drawn into a few very specific blogs, people who I learned to admire for their faith, or their knowledge, or perhaps a shared event in their life.
That last reason is the reason I started my blog. Well one of the reasons. The other reason was I process things better in writing sometimes. Sometimes it gives me a way to look at my emotions or problems with a third eye, better able to be objective. But I did not start it with the intention of anyone reading it, and especially not anyone who I like or love. Someone I may meet in the future.
So I try to stay somewhat anonymous, although I know I am not doing it that well, lol, I am not sure how to!
So I blog to spew out my feelings, to process them, and maybe to connect with someone who is dealing with the same issues, or has wisdom to share. I also hope that in my triumph over some of the trials of life, that I have knowledge to share with others.
I worry that anyone who reads this will think so horribly of Handsome, that they cannot look past his past, but only see my issues, my complaints, I don't want that to happen. Because in reality, Handsome and I DID triumph, we DID honor our vows, I DID forgive him, just as Christ forgave me, although I did put conditions on it that Christ doesn't, I had to be smart as well as forgiving. I want for marriages to survive and thrive. I want MY marriage to survive and thrive! I vent, if I don't vent, I get angry. I realize after much thinking and praying that is if I get angry, the evil one gets in my head and just BUILDS on that anger, until I am wrapped up in wanting something different that what God has BLESSED me with.
You see, Handsome had the classic mid life crisis. It is honestly so rampant in men of a certain age, that in reading about it, blogs, articles, anything I could get my hands on, I saw so many stories that ended so terribly for the family of the man who went off the rails. I want to be different, set apart. I try to honor God, and I truly believe that in Honoring Him, He will bless me.
Do I complain, yes I do. Do I bring up how hard my insecurities are? I do. But they are my insecurities to deal with. I want anyone who comes here though, that may have, or is going thru a hard time within their marriage to have hope. I had hope, I had faith, I was on my knees, and God convicted Handsome and renewed our relationship in amazing ways.
Did he change, yes, he did. Did I change, boy you betcha! Do I have more lessons to learn? Always. I do speak to Handsome, and try to get him to help me deal with my insecurities, but the honest truth is, Handsome was raised in such a dysfunctional, terrible family, that he never learned what the display of love was. He is actually more demonstrative now than in our youth. I have many many things that I hold anger about concerning my husbands story of his raising, but it is not my story to tell. Just know that he was not equipped with love, not shown love, and was never sure of being loved. So this is my quest if you will, to process my feelings, to help others, to keep forgiving, and to keep looking for ways to help stretch Handsome.
He loves me truly he does. But all longtime marriages struggle at one point or another. This is my attempt at dealing with those struggles. Also to show that you CAN triumph over and emotional affair. Love can win.
I won.
Peace and Blessings
That last reason is the reason I started my blog. Well one of the reasons. The other reason was I process things better in writing sometimes. Sometimes it gives me a way to look at my emotions or problems with a third eye, better able to be objective. But I did not start it with the intention of anyone reading it, and especially not anyone who I like or love. Someone I may meet in the future.
So I try to stay somewhat anonymous, although I know I am not doing it that well, lol, I am not sure how to!
So I blog to spew out my feelings, to process them, and maybe to connect with someone who is dealing with the same issues, or has wisdom to share. I also hope that in my triumph over some of the trials of life, that I have knowledge to share with others.
I worry that anyone who reads this will think so horribly of Handsome, that they cannot look past his past, but only see my issues, my complaints, I don't want that to happen. Because in reality, Handsome and I DID triumph, we DID honor our vows, I DID forgive him, just as Christ forgave me, although I did put conditions on it that Christ doesn't, I had to be smart as well as forgiving. I want for marriages to survive and thrive. I want MY marriage to survive and thrive! I vent, if I don't vent, I get angry. I realize after much thinking and praying that is if I get angry, the evil one gets in my head and just BUILDS on that anger, until I am wrapped up in wanting something different that what God has BLESSED me with.
You see, Handsome had the classic mid life crisis. It is honestly so rampant in men of a certain age, that in reading about it, blogs, articles, anything I could get my hands on, I saw so many stories that ended so terribly for the family of the man who went off the rails. I want to be different, set apart. I try to honor God, and I truly believe that in Honoring Him, He will bless me.
Do I complain, yes I do. Do I bring up how hard my insecurities are? I do. But they are my insecurities to deal with. I want anyone who comes here though, that may have, or is going thru a hard time within their marriage to have hope. I had hope, I had faith, I was on my knees, and God convicted Handsome and renewed our relationship in amazing ways.
Did he change, yes, he did. Did I change, boy you betcha! Do I have more lessons to learn? Always. I do speak to Handsome, and try to get him to help me deal with my insecurities, but the honest truth is, Handsome was raised in such a dysfunctional, terrible family, that he never learned what the display of love was. He is actually more demonstrative now than in our youth. I have many many things that I hold anger about concerning my husbands story of his raising, but it is not my story to tell. Just know that he was not equipped with love, not shown love, and was never sure of being loved. So this is my quest if you will, to process my feelings, to help others, to keep forgiving, and to keep looking for ways to help stretch Handsome.
He loves me truly he does. But all longtime marriages struggle at one point or another. This is my attempt at dealing with those struggles. Also to show that you CAN triumph over and emotional affair. Love can win.
I won.
Peace and Blessings
Monday, April 28, 2014
a kiss is just a kiss
So the last time I was here, I wanted to try an experiment. How long would it take for Handsome to give me a kiss, instead of me giving the kiss.
I failed.
I will always fail.
I am a physical touch person. It drives me, my soul needs it. So I am a failure,. But I like to think I also won something. Huh? Say again sister. I had to remember that when I start feeling insecure in my husband's love for me that that comes from the evil one. The one who wants to see my m marriage fail, not succeed. I worked so hard to save my marriage, because I love Handsome of course. But I love God too. I believe God wants me to win this battle. I am winning this battle. I am loved.
Maybe not the way I would prefer, but doesn't God love me in the same exact way? He would like so much more fro.m me, I fail Him daily. It changes nothing about His love for me.
So I kissed Handsome, and told him I love him. I chose love.
Did I fail? No, I'm pretty sure I won this battle.
I failed.
I will always fail.
I am a physical touch person. It drives me, my soul needs it. So I am a failure,. But I like to think I also won something. Huh? Say again sister. I had to remember that when I start feeling insecure in my husband's love for me that that comes from the evil one. The one who wants to see my m marriage fail, not succeed. I worked so hard to save my marriage, because I love Handsome of course. But I love God too. I believe God wants me to win this battle. I am winning this battle. I am loved.
Maybe not the way I would prefer, but doesn't God love me in the same exact way? He would like so much more fro.m me, I fail Him daily. It changes nothing about His love for me.
So I kissed Handsome, and told him I love him. I chose love.
Did I fail? No, I'm pretty sure I won this battle.
Wednesday, April 23, 2014
How long will it take before your spouse kisses you? Or says I love you without being prompted
So I am a Huge words of affirmation person. My husband is supposed to be one too. Also physical touch. After this past weekend I have been pretty low, seeing how awful handsome family is. How his sister had to be shamed into visiting her very sick mother, after three years!.(She lives only five 1/2 hours away) Part of my sad feelings stem from not feeling loved. Oh my kid yes, grandkids, of course. But the one person who I crave these things from, very seldom offers them up. I decided today, to not do either. Initiate a kiss, or tell him first that I love him. (He does appreciate me caring for his mother)
My dilemma is this, do I count the bedtime kiss? Or peck on the lips? He cuddles me, but after a few minutes rolls to his comfy position..
I am sad, my in laws have sucked the love out of me. I keep praying, God, remind me always why I do this, it is not for THEM.
So I will give a daily report, or at least keep track so handsome and I to discuss.
Am I just still being an insecure mess? Or do I have a right to say I need this, why won't you give it to me?!
God told me pretty clearly that I need to quit making handsome feel bad. But that should not mean we can't discuss what our needs in our marriage are. Am I right?
Peace
My dilemma is this, do I count the bedtime kiss? Or peck on the lips? He cuddles me, but after a few minutes rolls to his comfy position..
I am sad, my in laws have sucked the love out of me. I keep praying, God, remind me always why I do this, it is not for THEM.
So I will give a daily report, or at least keep track so handsome and I to discuss.
Am I just still being an insecure mess? Or do I have a right to say I need this, why won't you give it to me?!
God told me pretty clearly that I need to quit making handsome feel bad. But that should not mean we can't discuss what our needs in our marriage are. Am I right?
Peace
Well it went down. Not quite How I wanted, but better than nothing
Handsome went tot he nursing home yesterday to settle in his mom for rehab, and proceeded to tell Wicked Witch of the East that everything that was said, was directly his words. NOT mine. But of course, she never said anything in a way of an apology to me which I guess handsome thinks is ok.
It was funny, I asked Handsome, did she show any appreciation for what we are doing, he said no. All she did was make excuses on why she can not ever drive five hours away to visit a mom who although not on deaths door, definitely is on the street corner.
It was funny when I asked handsome, "so why do you think witchy poo called" and he looked at me funny. I said well I sent her a message that it would be a shame if they did not speak again. So of course he was disappointing finding out it was AGAIN my doing.
Then, when I asked her brother in the nursing home for the tenth time to NOT SHARE my photos, do you know she got snarky with me~ telling me that is I put things on facebook then I should expect to get them shared. It was a stupid thing to say, and she was again, trying to get me to react.
I dont do this for me, I just need to over and over tell myself that!
It was funny, I asked Handsome, did she show any appreciation for what we are doing, he said no. All she did was make excuses on why she can not ever drive five hours away to visit a mom who although not on deaths door, definitely is on the street corner.
It was funny when I asked handsome, "so why do you think witchy poo called" and he looked at me funny. I said well I sent her a message that it would be a shame if they did not speak again. So of course he was disappointing finding out it was AGAIN my doing.
Then, when I asked her brother in the nursing home for the tenth time to NOT SHARE my photos, do you know she got snarky with me~ telling me that is I put things on facebook then I should expect to get them shared. It was a stupid thing to say, and she was again, trying to get me to react.
I dont do this for me, I just need to over and over tell myself that!
Monday, April 21, 2014
what an awful week. Otherwise titled you can pick your friends, but cant pick your family (in laws)
Oh dear what a week it has been. Last week I lost a dear family member, who lives out of state. I made very fast travel plans to go to the funeral. God worked it out so that I could go, and I am so glad I did. I have not seen my extended family in a few (many ) years. When I go back, I get my love tank filled to overflowing. My cousins and I, it felt like we never lived apart. My family there just loved on me, and made me feel great. They showed appreciation for my coming (not that that is the reason I went), when I told them about life now, how I have cared for my Mother in law in my home for 13 years, they showed me appreciation, complimented me on doing it. I have tried to tell everyone, I do this because this is what God expects of me. We are to care for our parents, and I would never put my family in a nursing home, so why should it be different for Handsomes family.
Well,I came home from the funeral, to find MIL collapsed. Took her to hospital, she was in congestive heart failure, plus the 18 other things that are wrong with her.
Now let me set the stage. Handsome is one of four living kids. Handsome has a family member younger than him, who had a devastating stroke a little more than a year ago. He lives in town. My MIL has been very steadily going down hill, and I expect she does not have long in this world. I have, for over three years, been trying to tell her daughter that lives five hours away, that her mother is getting steadily worse. This daughter asked the other daughter "why is longtime telling me mom is getting worse, does she want her in a nursing home?" I could not believe it, I told her it was because I did not want her mother to die before she had a chance to see her mother. If I wanted her in a nursing home, I would not ask her permission.
So basically Handsome shamed her into coming to see her family. But her and I had words. Handsome and I called her out, told her how we feel about the fact that she never visits. She told me she was caring for a critically ill boyfriend, yet she has been to Ocean City many times, she went to visit her daughter many times, but NEVER EVER CAME TO SEE HER MOTHER.
Well, now I am the one that is the bad guy. Sister in law wont talk to me, other one is avoiding me. I am feeling so low today, I want to cry when I think about it. I would give my right arm to be able to drive only five hours to see my mom, but she is halfway around the country. I STILL make it home to her 2 times a year, and talk twice a week. Two mothers days in a row, TWO, this sister in law never even called her mother. But I am the bad guy. I am the bitch. I care for her mother, but because I told her the truth that she did not want confronted with, I am the bad guy, that is tearing the family apart. My brother in law, that had a stroke at a young age, whose wife abandoned him at the hospital. I found him a nursing home, by my house so that we could be close by. I make sure to pick him up every week for church, and sunday dinner. I arranged for two men to do a weekly bible study.
if it was up to his family,handsom included sit in that nursing home and never leave.
But I am the bad guy.
Jesus tells us in this life there will be troubles, and that for doing what He wants we may be persecuted.
I just never expected it from family.
Peace and blessings.
Well,I came home from the funeral, to find MIL collapsed. Took her to hospital, she was in congestive heart failure, plus the 18 other things that are wrong with her.
Now let me set the stage. Handsome is one of four living kids. Handsome has a family member younger than him, who had a devastating stroke a little more than a year ago. He lives in town. My MIL has been very steadily going down hill, and I expect she does not have long in this world. I have, for over three years, been trying to tell her daughter that lives five hours away, that her mother is getting steadily worse. This daughter asked the other daughter "why is longtime telling me mom is getting worse, does she want her in a nursing home?" I could not believe it, I told her it was because I did not want her mother to die before she had a chance to see her mother. If I wanted her in a nursing home, I would not ask her permission.
So basically Handsome shamed her into coming to see her family. But her and I had words. Handsome and I called her out, told her how we feel about the fact that she never visits. She told me she was caring for a critically ill boyfriend, yet she has been to Ocean City many times, she went to visit her daughter many times, but NEVER EVER CAME TO SEE HER MOTHER.
Well, now I am the one that is the bad guy. Sister in law wont talk to me, other one is avoiding me. I am feeling so low today, I want to cry when I think about it. I would give my right arm to be able to drive only five hours to see my mom, but she is halfway around the country. I STILL make it home to her 2 times a year, and talk twice a week. Two mothers days in a row, TWO, this sister in law never even called her mother. But I am the bad guy. I am the bitch. I care for her mother, but because I told her the truth that she did not want confronted with, I am the bad guy, that is tearing the family apart. My brother in law, that had a stroke at a young age, whose wife abandoned him at the hospital. I found him a nursing home, by my house so that we could be close by. I make sure to pick him up every week for church, and sunday dinner. I arranged for two men to do a weekly bible study.
if it was up to his family,handsom included sit in that nursing home and never leave.
But I am the bad guy.
Jesus tells us in this life there will be troubles, and that for doing what He wants we may be persecuted.
I just never expected it from family.
Peace and blessings.
Monday, April 14, 2014
loving someone from your teens til your fifties
Do you ever feel like you want a do over? Maybe something you do one way, and have done this way forever, but given the chance to do it over again, maybe you would change some things. Hindsight as they say is twenty twenty.
I have know Handsome since I was 16 years old. We met at a Labor Day party. He had a motorcycle, and asked me if I wanted a ride home, of course I did!! I made him stop at the entrance, because my dad would have killed me had he seen me on a motorcycle. LOL as a side note, my father did not know until I was well into my thirties that Handsome ever had a bike. Oh the things you find out after the fact!
Handsome and I went away shortly after our issues of his EA. We took the whole family to the beach, for me, it was trying to heal in a place that we all loved, trying to repair the terrible rift that had torn my family apart. I was fragile then, and I think that Handsome was still in the fog of the affair, feeling sorry for himself, perhaps not yet over her. He said something to me, I will never forget. He looked at me and said, "do you ever wonder what life would have been like if we had not met?" To this day, when I think of him saying that I want to cry. Because up until that moment, NEVER in my life did I wonder how it would be without him. In my mind, my life has been an answer to prayer. I had a good husband ( thought so anyway), great kids, a home, a job, my life was good people! Until the moment he said "I don't love you any more"
But even then, never did I think" what would my life be like if he and I never met".
I always felt that I was living my dream of a perfect life.
For a long time after that, I thought about it, but still never ever wondered myself "what if I had never met handsome"
But now, when things are good again, I sometimes wonder. What would my life be like had I not met him. Maybe I would have married someone who made a great living. Someone who didnt have to struggle to care for their family. Maybe this person would have had a lovely big NORMAL family. Maybe I could have had my small farm. Maybe this person would give me my hearts desire everyday, telling me he loved me, couldn't live without me, kissed me spontaneously, let me know how they desired me. Fulfilled the NEED I have everyday to know I am CHERISHED~.
I know that Handsome loves me. I do. But I wonder now, how would it have been to be married to someone who would show me the love, instead of having it drug out of him kicking and screaming.
I know I am loved........
But I wonder sometimes................
Peace
I have know Handsome since I was 16 years old. We met at a Labor Day party. He had a motorcycle, and asked me if I wanted a ride home, of course I did!! I made him stop at the entrance, because my dad would have killed me had he seen me on a motorcycle. LOL as a side note, my father did not know until I was well into my thirties that Handsome ever had a bike. Oh the things you find out after the fact!
Handsome and I went away shortly after our issues of his EA. We took the whole family to the beach, for me, it was trying to heal in a place that we all loved, trying to repair the terrible rift that had torn my family apart. I was fragile then, and I think that Handsome was still in the fog of the affair, feeling sorry for himself, perhaps not yet over her. He said something to me, I will never forget. He looked at me and said, "do you ever wonder what life would have been like if we had not met?" To this day, when I think of him saying that I want to cry. Because up until that moment, NEVER in my life did I wonder how it would be without him. In my mind, my life has been an answer to prayer. I had a good husband ( thought so anyway), great kids, a home, a job, my life was good people! Until the moment he said "I don't love you any more"
But even then, never did I think" what would my life be like if he and I never met".
I always felt that I was living my dream of a perfect life.
For a long time after that, I thought about it, but still never ever wondered myself "what if I had never met handsome"
But now, when things are good again, I sometimes wonder. What would my life be like had I not met him. Maybe I would have married someone who made a great living. Someone who didnt have to struggle to care for their family. Maybe this person would have had a lovely big NORMAL family. Maybe I could have had my small farm. Maybe this person would give me my hearts desire everyday, telling me he loved me, couldn't live without me, kissed me spontaneously, let me know how they desired me. Fulfilled the NEED I have everyday to know I am CHERISHED~.
I know that Handsome loves me. I do. But I wonder now, how would it have been to be married to someone who would show me the love, instead of having it drug out of him kicking and screaming.
I know I am loved........
But I wonder sometimes................
Peace
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